Wandering in Washington

Nowhere

2010-06-29T11:18:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wish you weren't anywhere at all? It's a strange and distinct feeling that I usually get it upon returning from a trip. I don't want to be back on vacation but I also don't want to be where I live. I stepped into an imaginary life, quite different from my own, and it changed me. But my home didn't change, and so I don't quite fit there any more.

Right now everything is in flux and I don't fit anywhere. My life is a puzzle and the pieces keep shifting around. Even though I haven't moved, I'm suddenly surrounded by forest instead of sky. I don't want to run away to anywhere. I just want to press pause and step outside it for a while...take a break from all of the drama and hang out on a cloud? Are there hammocks in heaven?

My insides are all stirred up as my blood pumps too many conflicting emotions. I typically keep my feelings in check, but the continued uncertainty of my situation finally unleashed them. Now they run wild as my rationality watches from the sidelines. Maybe I don't let myself feel enough. Maybe I'm too quick to write off my emotions. Maybe this is healthy?

I just feel insecure in the most literal sense. I can't trust the ground beneath my feet or the people I'm used to counting on. I don't know when my new job is going to start for sure and my current one has a definite end date. Things are out of my control...there's nothing I can do about it. I suppose the only option is to laugh about the bad stuff, acknowledge the hard stuff, and enjoy the good stuff. And take a trip to my sky hammock every now and then :)

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

Thankfulness

2009-11-30T00:16:00.000-05:00

My favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner is when we go around the table and say what we're thankful for. I know it can be cheesy, but vocalizing the blessings you've received is an incredibly humbling and enlightening experience. This year my big thanks was for things not going according to plan. Given my profession, I obviously have lists of far-reaching strategies for each next step in my life. After grad school I expected to be starting over in some new city with some fancy new job, not working two sorta planning jobs back in Michigan. But only because things went unaccordingly did I get to run the Turkey Trot downtown after not enough sleep, spend two Thanksgiving dinners with wonderful people, play the guitar in a trio, play board games that I previously thought too difficult, and spend memorable times with my best friend and her (my second) family. In these last few unexpected months, I've been blessed by closer relationships and unbridled happiness because of them. I sometimes get too hung up on my career path - afraid that I'll lose it all if one step is in the wrong direction. The non-plan is teaching me patience, and reminding me that sometimes we need to be built up by people who love us before we're ready to go chase the next dream.

People who know me well know that I experience occassional "moments of perfection" where I can feel every one of my five senses and the world seems flawless and heavenly for its mundanity. This quotation explains that more eloquently than I ever could:

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

I'm thankful that I believe in a God that I can thank. Every breath in my lungs, step that I take, color I perceive, and person I love feels like a gift and a promise that there's still some reason that I'm alive. I get all of these wonderful sensations of life every day, knowing that I'm receiving them so I can give something back. Gratitude is pretty grand.

One thing

2009-11-02T12:04:00.000-05:00

As I wait around in Michigan, filling my days with potentially worthwhile activities, I wonder where to go from here. After a few job interviews I have some prospects (all in Mich). But I wonder whether I should take the first thing that comes along or hold out for my dream job. Right now I'm pretty comfortable as far as the necessities of life go. But my passion and my ambition are all welling up and pissed off and ready to change the world. As nice as it is to be "home," I think this stay is coming to a close. I know my family wants me to settle around here, and someday maybe I'll be back. But I want so much more than a comfortable life. I don't trust comfort. It lures you into laziness. It dulls your ambition. It keeps you from creating.

One of my friends has this philosophy on life: you can only have one thing that is your number one priority. I tried to argue with him at first - I mean, can't you have a career and a family that are equally important to you? The answer is no. One of them has to come first. You can fit a lot of things into your day and therefore a lot of priorities onto your list, but at the end of all of it you can only chase one dream at a time. That one dream determines your life's direction. You can follow the boy/girl of your affection to a new place, or you can follow your career somewhere else. Dreams can coincide but they require someone to compromise something else.

I dunno what my one thing is. I think it's a career...or maybe just freedom? I want to make the world better - that's why I want a career. I want money so I can be free. To me freedom = not needing a car, being able to pay student loans, and going on lots of adventures. The question is how long do I sit in comfort before chasing these dreams? Is someone going to drop the opportunity in my lap, or do I need the pressure of uncertainty to get myself going?

Ah the coffee-induced musings of a Monday morning.

Love you for reading,

K

We all fall down

2009-09-29T23:58:00.003-04:00

I hate fall. Most of my friends know this well. I'm trying to figure out why I hate it so when everyone else loves it. I've come to the following conclusions:

1. Evolutionary Psychology

For millions of years, humans feared impending winter because they may or may not have enough food/warmth to survive. During the autumn harvest our ancestors assessed whether they had enough crops and livestock to make it through the coming cold months. So it's scary in my bones because fall = beginning of winter = possibly impending doom

2. Fear of School/Work

Fall = school (until this year). School = work. Work = anxiety. Throughout my education, I was flooded with anxiety whenever I got an intense homework assignment. The best illustration was in third grade. My teacher was kind of an ice queen bitch, although I didn't realize this at the time. (She had all our names on the board with two stars next to each. If we did something wrong or didn't do our homework we'd have to erase a star. So much pressure and public humiliation!) Anyway, whenever I got homework in that class I distinctly remember pushing it behind my bed. I don't know why I thought this would solve the problem. I had tons and tons of papers behind my bed. I thought I could ignore them if I couldn't see them. All the way through grad school I would put off doing intense projects for as long as I could, feeling anxiety about them all the while. The funny thing is, actual school work has never been hard for me and I've always gotten good grades. And once I start doing the work it was usually fun and enjoyable. Maybe I just hate things hanging over my head?

3. Fear of Future/The Unknown

Following from fall=ing school, fall marks the new year for me. (I know January 1st is technically the new year but anyone who's gone to school for 20 years knows that it's actually around September 1. Who starts a new job or moves somewhere new in January? No one. Arbitrary, false new year.) Anyway...when starting school you never know who your friends will be or how your classes will go or whether you'll make the team or the play. Your life rhythms haven't been set. And without rhythm life is scary.

Now that fear is magnified cuz I do have a rhythm and it primarily involves pajamas, tea and television. I thought I'd be settled w/ a job by now and I'm obviously not - which is ok...I'm sure I'll get one soon. But I'm also thinking of alternate options and whether I should give myself deadlines before I give up on planning and become a waitress or an Indonesian medicine woman. Fall was my intended deadline for...having some sort of plan? Here it is. I'm still planless.

In conclusion, I'm not really as worried as this all sounds. Generally I internalize my worries without consciously realizing what that feeling in the pit of my stomach is all about. I feel pretty at peace at the moment, despite limited prospects. I just wonder how long to feel peaceful before I go crazy and run away somewhere. Wanna run away with me?

Thanks for reading,

-K

A long time coming

2009-09-25T00:10:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to write a blog for a while, mostly about where I am right now...both figuratively and literally. Said phase started about a month and a half ago when driving back to Michigan (defeated) from Philly by way of Boston. Crossing the Canadian border, car stuffed to the ceiling with all my possessions, I hoped silently that I wouldn't be searched or asked any difficult questions. Apparently I couldn't even field the easy ones because "Where do you live?" took me by surprise and I hardly had any sensible answer to give. "Well you see I don't have an address right now because I'm moving back to my parents' house from Philadelphia where I used to live when I was in grad school but now I've graduated and I don't have a job so I'm ...." Unfortunately that sentence isn't an exaggeration. I was incoherent. They were merciful.

Almost two months later, I'm still trying to answer that question. Each sent application leaves a new dream in its wake of my possible new life in whatever random place - NYC or Arlington, VA or West Hollywood. I've got a few promising things in the works but no strong idea of where I'll be next. This transition zone is nothing new however. For the last two years I've been deferring other decisions because of grad school. "I'll figure that out once I graduate and get a job." The job was supposed to be the thing that put me where I'm supposed to be. Now there is no job, and I'm living in nowheresville (the suburbs) just waiting for the call that will send me away to the future or present where I belong.

Some of my friends coupled during grad school and chose their new destinations together. Other friends picked a city and decided to go there no matter what. They prioritized the place or the relationship over the blank career possibilities and seem to be content with those choices. I wonder whether I'm going about this the right way. I feel like my self-proclaimed transitionary stage just enabled my cowardice on other decisions. I haven't decided where I want to be or who I want to be with. In the last two years I acted in ways that didn't accurately reflect myself but oh well, I was transitioning right? It sounds like bs.

I really think that the world is changing all the time. Our mobile, noncommittal generation may indeed be able to change their lives at the drop of a hat - but all any of us really want is something real to stay still. I think it takes more courage to say "I want this one thing no matter what, even if everything else changes. I want him or her with me or I want to be with my family or I want to live in NYC or ... I want to be president someday.

Maybe it sounds crazy, but maybe choosing something other than your job is the best impetus for the next step of life. The real risk is admitting that you want something more permanent than a job. Jobs change every couple of years. What if you pick a relationship and say, hell, I want to give this a real shot. Or jaysis, I'd rather be close to home so I can be an aunty. Or I have to live in New York before I'm thirty. Or I want to be president and everything I do from here on out will be for that. Jobs (even in this economy) will always be around. The real risks are the chances at relationships or dreams that you might never get again. In any case, maybe we should just go for it - with or without the security (paycheck) that we'd hoped for.

Seven days of rain...

2009-05-06T11:11:00.005-04:00

Yet another rainy day
Hair inflates like a balloon
Soul shrinks like steamed spinach

On falling apart

2009-03-18T13:20:00.003-04:00

Life is falling apart. Not to be dramatic. chuckle chuckle. the sun still seems to be shining but some invisible economy is crumbling. bad guys are taking all the money for themselves and we're all losing our jobs. but we have magic machines in our pockets which allow us to connect to anyone, anywhere, in an instant. we can see other worlds instantly. we can get on flying machines that actually take us anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. life is a strange juxtaposition of what we feel and what we've heard is actually happening. the magic that is the reality of our lives is lost compared to the ever-impending dark clouds of fear.

i am a part of this mess. i am falling apart while trying to hold it together. everything means everything and nothing. i care so much that i don't care at all. i want to run away from everything i know but i'm scared to death of starting over all over again. i envy those friends who are settled, or at least more settled than i. i envy their relationship security, their teamwork, their intimacy. and yet i would feel entirely stifled and trapped in their position right now. grad school is by definition a transitory space. Here comes another huge transition since the one just two years ago, and when it's over i'll have no idea where i belong in the world or to whom i belong. i wish i smoked because i think a cigarette would do me good.

Whenever i have fits of mental discomfort, i image i'm made of hard-boiled egg and slice myself in one of these.

2009-02-23T22:08:00.003-05:00

Hi all,

I've got a relatively fun post for today. My friend Paddytime sent me this questionnaire from 'Inside the Actor's Studio' with James Lipton. It was actually pretty hard to think of answers. Anyway, here goes.

What is your favorite word? Design

What is your least favorite word? Moist

What turns you on? A good vocabulary

What turns you off? Macho-ness

What sound or noise do you love? Summer wind rustling the leaves of deciduous trees

What sound or noise do you hate? My alarm clock during childhood

What is your favorite curse word? Friggity frack

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Actress

What profession would you not like to do? Lawyer

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? I'm glad to see you, but everyone gets in :)

The old man and the father gazelle

2009-02-16T12:33:00.005-05:00

But, thank God, they are not as intelligent as we who kill them; although they are more noble and more able.

'I'll kill him though,' he said. 'In all his greatness and his glory.' Although it is unjust, he thought. But I will show him what a man can do and what a man endures.

He always thought of the sea as la mar which is what people call her in Spanish when they love her...the old man always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favors, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them.

But it is good that we do not have to try to kill the sun or the moon or the stars. It is enough to live on the sea and kill our true brothers.

Besides, he thought, everything kills everything else in some way. Fishing kills me exactly as it keeps me alive.

'Ay,' he said aloud. There is no translation for this word and perhaps it is just a noise such as a man might make, involuntarily, feeling the nail go through his hands and into the wood.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I woke up at 5:30 this morning after a 24-hour trip back from Abu Dhabi. One of our stops on the trip was a fishmarket. I bought The Old Man and the Sea at the airport in Frankfurt on the way home. I read it this morning as the sun came up. These are some of my favorite quotations. If you haven't read it you should. More on Abu Dhabi to come.

Tuesday Haiku

2009-02-03T12:29:00.004-05:00

Public radio morning

Sky spitting snowflakes

Wish you were holding my hand

Inspiration

2008-12-27T17:31:00.003-05:00

I bought my first piece of signed art today. My fam was walking around Downtown Naples and happened upon the annual art fair. Most of the art was bad but the artists weren't talentless; they just made boring, insipid art. I guess one has to consider the audience - a bunch of wealthy old people probably don't want anything revolutionary hanging on their wall. Anyway, seeing all that stuff reminded me how much I like to make art and how I could make better art than a lot of that; art that people still might want to own.

This all tied in with this week's conversations between my brother and me. Rick's pretty knowledgeable on economics and unabashedly libertarian. He says the economic situation will force people to stop consuming and start conserving. Instead of throwing away a torn shirt you'll take it to a seamstress for example. He also thinks people will become entrepreneurs again. They'll lose their jobs and be forced to create products or services that fill a need. I've had some good ideas that I thought would make money before. But those ideas have never come to fruition because the risk required to realize them was too great. I wonder if getting pushed out of comfortable jobs will force people to wager what they wouldn't before. Perhaps the results will be innovative and fantastic.

Which brings me back to art. It's something I couldn't risk before and the pressure of it made me hate doing it. Now that I'm away from it, I realize I might have some talent, and I might have some good ideas. I bought that picture because it was the first one of the artist's that caught my eye. Michael Bryant is his name. He does the double exposures all in camera, so he's got no idea how they'll come out until he develops the film. I guess it just reminds me that life operates in strange cycles. Sometimes you think you're just going around the same circle all the time and nothing's going anywhere. Then all of a sudden you're someone new, and you're in some new place, and your whole life is different. But at the same time, whatever it is that makes you you is unchanged and you can't escape from it. Nor would you want to.

"plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose"

2008-12-12T12:24:00.004-05:00

Hi everyone,

I don't have a transcendent topic for today so I'll just update you.

1. I think I won my bout with insomnia. Two days in a row I've been able to sleep! Hurray. It might be too soon to call it, but I'm pretty sure it's school/stress related.

2. I'm going to Abu Dhabi for studio next semester. Yep I'm pretty psyched.

3. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

4. I have a gay husband via common law.

5. My family is getting together in Florida for Christmas and my bro is coming sans gf. Word.

6. The future, and how my present choices are impacting that future, and how the future does or doesn't influence my present choices, scare me.

Making lists is illuminating.

Sorry for being euphemistic.

krayon

2008-11-28T12:37:00.003-05:00

Dear World,

If you haven't noticed, things are going pretty badly. Crime is up in the U.S., terrorism is breaking out all over the world. I'm writing to you to plead with you. I'm writing to say we can do better than this. We have to do better than this. If we've learned anything from these past eight years, it's that we can't fight terrorism with guns and soldiers. We can't fight terrorism with strategies or threats. Terrorism is a tactic and what's defined as "terrorism" is subject to whoever is defining it. Terrorism comes from hate. And a lot of the time that hate is understandable. People have been repressed, abused, and their basic humanity trampled. These injustices breed hate. And hate leads to violence. So far our strategy to fight this hate has been more hate. More violence. Apparently violence only leads to more violence. Who knew?

We are very much like animals really. Dogs bite when they've been abused and they're scared. We do the same thing. We lash out when we feel this is our only chance to fight back and the world has hurt us enough that we think our cowardly way is justified.

So what I propose is pretty simple and cliche. I propose peace and I propose love. I think at our most basic level every human being prefers peace to war, and safety to fear. We would rather be hugged than punched and we would rather laugh than cry. Every mother would rather raise her child in a place where he is safe than a war zone where bullets are flying. We are not such complex creatures really.

Hate makes us forget what we are, or rather, what others are. Hate makes us forget the humanity in others. Hate convinces us that they are less human or less deserving of life. Hate makes us forget that they laugh and cry and have families and memories and souls. Hate is a powerful, terrible thing. Hate is the only thing that could convince terrorists to kill at least 125 people in India, or cause such civil unrest in Somalia.

But we were not born creatures of hate. Undoubtedly love has been and can continue to be more powerful than hate. What if we could pause this mess and look each of these gunmen in the eye, ask them what they want, ask why they're doing what they're doing, tell them there's a better way, and that God loves them, and that they don't have to do this. Maybe they'd keep shooting, maybe not. I hope that if we could separate these killers from their group mentality they'd come to their senses. I still believe the humanity in their eyes is the same as that in mine.

Life isn't so black and white unfortunately. I can't comprehend what could drive people to kill, but I'm sure there's some twisted logic and a chain of events behind it. But I'd say any time hate drives us to do anything, it's wrong. The result of injustice need not always be hate - instead we could strive for justice. There's a difference between revenge and a longing to make things right. Revenge is reactionary, forgiveness is revolutionary.

So what I propose is this and it starts with each of us. What if every time someone pissed us off, cut us off, wronged, hurt, teased, or cheated us - what if we put ourselves in their shoes. What if we said "Yeah that sucks, but they're just doing this because they've had a bad day or because their mom is in the hospital or they lost their job." What if we began with forgiveness instead of hate. What if we really put their predicaments over our own hurt pride? I think Jesus was the only person who really pulled this off. What's crazy is that before Jesus there was no forgiveness. There was no getting something for nothing. Every wrong had to be righted through penance and sacrifice. But since he showed up, there's no need for revenge or reciprocation. He's got it covered. Now we're free to forgive. And forgiveness can only come from love.

So there we have it. If we forgive and love others we're free to live our lives and work for peace. All the good things are connected, and so are the bad things. If we don't forgive then we can hate. Hate makes us want revenge. Hate convinces us that others aren't human so violence is ok. But revenge never rights anything. It just makes things more wrong.

This isn't really a solution for terrorism now. I don't know how to stop that. I don't know how to stop things on a global scale. All I know is change starts with each of us, and love never fails. So...what do you think world? You want to do better? Because I know I do. I love you.

-k

Favorite things

2008-11-08T14:46:00.005-05:00

Fat squirrels

Smiles to/from strangers

Artists with angelic voices (Alison Krauss, The Wailin' Jennys, Sarah MacLaughlin)

Staying in bed too long when it's cold

Slow, quiet, late breakfast with coffee and the paper

Finding lost things

Losing found things?

Flannel pajamas

Phillies Win.

2008-11-02T18:19:00.004-05:00

So for those of you who've been living under a rock for the last weekend, the Phillies won the World Series! I'm still a loyal Cubs fan of course, but it was never-the-less exciting to be here for this historic victory. My post may be trite but as it speaks to both city planning and Philadelphia issues, I'll continue.

Sports bring people together. At first it sounds like a shallow connection: I like the Phillies and so do you, what's your point? However, this weekend's post-victory events revealed some of sports' deeper virtues.

The love of a team transcends demographics. On Wednesday night after the Phillies win, my two friends and I sprinted from a bar in West Phila. to catch the first cab or bus that would take us downtown. Plenty of others had the same idea, and as we stood at the corner every single car that passed honked its horn. People hung out of car windows to slap hands with those outside. We jumped up and down and yelled and cheered with each other "Go Phils!" White kids, black kids, young kids, old kids, women, men, everyone, all of us, the whole city was so excited that nothing else mattered. James and Matt and I couldn't wait any longer so we just started running down the street. We ran about 6 blocks before we caught a bus to take us to Broad street. The street was filled. Packed. Everyone was chanting and laughing and giving each other five. Nothing mattered except for a mutual victory. It wasn't just for a team, but for a city, and for everyone rooting for the Phillies everywhere.

Now economic planning often shows that building a new stadium isn't worth the city's investment. I'm inclined to agree. But I think the value of having a professional sports team runs deeper than mere economic analysis. Economically speaking, sports bring people into the city and therefore people spend money in the city on dinner and drinks and on transit (where transit exists). Culturally speaking, sports create a realm of inclusion in which everyone can participate. They give us something to cheer for together.

The beauty is this: it doesn't take much to be a sports fan. Sure, there are people who know everything about every game and every player and every rule; but just by virtue of living in a place you can call yourself a fan of their teams. My grandmother's first question to my dad after he told her about meeting my mother was "Is she a Cubs fan?" Grandma Vi didn't know that much about baseball but she knew it was a family value. You don't have to have money or education to appreciate a walk-off home run or a full count, two outs, bottom of the ninth strike out. When your team loses you're devasted. When they lose for a season (or 28 seasons in the Phillies' case, or 100 seasons in the Cubs case) it hurts. The whole city mourns. But when you win the whole city rejoices. A collection of people is united in devotion to a game. How simple. How elegant. The stakes feel so high at the moment, but even if they lose it's not like losing a war. Sports offer a break from daily life. They create a melange of sensory experiences - peanut shells underfoot, hot summer day, sitting still, drinking a beer. They also bridge gaps between generations. I love that I cheer for the same teams as my father and grandfather. I love that all I know of baseball I learned from them, incrementally, over the course of 23 years' worth of baseball games.

I could keep espousing the personal value of sport but I'll let the events speak for themselves. The Phillies' victory parade on Friday brought over 2 million people to downtown Philadelphia on Friday. That's about 500,000 more people than the city's official population. Even if you think sports are trite, the ability of a game to bring so many people together to celebrate a single event is undeniably astonishing.

Precis: Netherlands

2008-10-11T10:46:00.005-04:00

Hi friends,

It's been about a month and I don't know where to begin updating you. The most obviously exciting part was my trip to the Netherlands. Our studio project is to make a plan for the Delaware River Basin about how climate change, especially regarding sea level rise, will impact the area. So we went to the Netherlands and met with all sorts of different officials and spatial planners and professors in different cities to ask questions and compare our problem to theirs. What did we learn? Our problem is nothing like theirs. The Netherlands is entirely planned and engineered down to the smallest acre. All of their trees are evenly spaced. There's no truly "natural" land in the country. Interestingly, Hurricane Katrina's effect on New Orleans was an important event for nearly every one we spoke with. I guess it was a wake-up call and a worst-case scenario if the Dutch dykes ever failed. Don't worry tho - they won't. Their levees are built to a 1/10,000 probability of failure. The New Orleans levees are currently being rebuilt to a 1/100 level. The Dutch think this is stupid. I think so too.

But it was definitely interesting to see our country from another perspective. They think that the states should take more control of things like levees. Because their country is so small and water is their only problem, they can master it and apply that everywhere. Our country is large with a multitude of natural threats - hurricanes, earthquakes, forest fires, tornadoes, etc. Here, people in the Midwest don't really care to spend tons of money fixing levees down in the South, because that's not a relatable Midwest problem. We regionalize these things rather than accepting them as national problems.

In general, the Dutch are very kind. They're just as smart as Germans but they have a sense of humor. They were genuine and excellent hosts. Every meeting had frequent coffee breaks - "We Dutch never start a meeting without a cup of coffee." They also were interested in our problem, interested in collaborating, and interested in whether we liked the Netherlands. There was certainly less anti-American sentiment than I've experienced in visiting other countries. In my opinion, Mary is the only Dutch person I've met in America who reminds me of the Dutch in Holland. The rest of the Calvin College Dutch are poor representations of their ethnic motherland (haha, i'm mostly kidding). The difference is being genuine and open versus conservative and closed? I'm grossly generalizing but I hope you get my drift. I suppose that's why those families emigrated from Holland to Holland MI in the first place?

Besides the people, the country itself is rather beautiful. For those of you who've been to PEI, they're pretty similar, except PEI is way more hilly. The weather is cloudy and chilly but very dynamic. The sun frequently peaks out throughout the day although it's rarely static. Canals roll through all of the brick city blocks. And everyone bikes on those old-school granny bikes. Everyone bikes. Bikes everywhere. When you cross the street you cross a bike lane, a pedestrian lane, a car lane, a tramway, and repeat. It's crazy. So many modes! Planner paradise!

One of the most beautiful sites I witnessed was this: around 4:30 in the afternoon, an 18-year old bikes up to a shop. A girl walks out and sits side-saddle on the rack on back and they ride away. That's how you pick up your girlfriend from work in the Netherlands. That's life.

Of course I have more to tell, but writing it down is harder than saying it. So if you've got more questions we'll just talk on the phone. My class definitely bonded and it was nice to get to know some people better. There were some Phila. city officials on the trip with us and they rented bikes one day and then didn't want them. So a friend and I tried our hand at the biking-someone-else-around thing. It was super fun although a bit scary. I'll throw some pictures in here later.

Just wanted to update you, back to the grind.

<3
k

Believing in things

2008-09-13T13:07:00.006-04:00

When P and I were in Chicago we went to the Jeff Koons exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art. I definitely liked some of his stuff (see picture). His statement talked about reintroducing a feeling of childlike wonderment. These sculptures are huge and the force you to see all the little wrinkles and such as if it was a real balloon. You also see yourself in the reflection. The scale makes you feel small again. The material makes you curious - what is that stuff? How does it work? How did he make this? All of those questions are things kids ask all the time but we informed adults usually glaze over.

Some of his other stuff was less cool and less effective. We saw a little group getting lectured by the docent and talked b/tw ourselves about whether the artist intended everything the docent was saying or whether art critics just read into it all, whether post-conceptualization and serendipity and process make the product just as much as the initial concept does. I said without thinking: "Art is something you have to believe in." And it is. It requires faith like believing in God or religion. You have to make a jump because if you never buy into it then you'll never benefit from it.

I think love is the same way. You have to believe in it. You have to believe it's true or that it can be true. The world you live in is the one you choose to see. If you don't believe love can be real then it will never be. If you don't believe it's worth the investment of time and effort and emotion then it won't be.

Sometimes I scoff at people with more faith than mine. They believe in things I once did and I think they're foolish for doing so. That's pretty arrogant and lame on my part. I just realized that I also scoff at people in love sometimes. And that's even worse. I think they can't possibly be that happy, they're way too young to know what they're doing, or they just don't know what they're in for. Above all things I want to believe in love. I mean, I've seen it work and it looks like a good deal: my grandparents were married for 64 years. That's the most beautiful thing I can think of in the whole world. And my parents have been married 33 years. They all got married really young and they made it.

I think my generation's fears about marriage are permeating my idealistic Christian culture picture. But if it comes down to believing in something hopefully and being in love idealistically, or fearing something and never believing in it enough to let it happen, I'm gonna go with the former. It's not a question of believing in a happy lie or facing a sad truth. The difference is that the belief creates the reality. If you believe it can be good and special and real it will be, and if you believe it will be crappy and terrible and disappointing it'll be that. In reality, love is both the good and the bad but the picture one paints determines which side triumphs.

My hungover thoughts on a Saturday "morning".

Back to the city of brotherly love

2008-09-02T14:54:00.004-04:00

Hi friends,

It's been awhile. Sorry about that. I kind of took a break from the computer if I wasn't at work. I read a lot of books and watched the Olympics this summer instead of surfing the web. Twas good times.

I'm back from New Orleans safe and sound. I feel bad that the storms hit right when I left. Fay came literally the day of my departure, and Gustav, that bastard, reared his ugly head a week later. I can't say how glad I am that Gustav wasn't as bad as he could've been. It was also good to see that evacuations went smoothly (relatively speaking). Hopefully this whole incident will restore everyone's faith in the city's ability to manage disaster, both New Orleanians and general Americans alike. I've been in contact with some friends but have yet to get a full report about re-populating the city. Hopefully that part goes well.

After a (too)brief jump back to Detroit and a few dreamlike days in Chicago, I'm back in Philly. I must admit I was more than a little anxious to come back. Who knows why? I guess my life feels hyper-compartmentalized sometimes so transitioning between worlds is disconcerting. Despite my fears, it was an easier adjustment than expected.

I've been moving into my new place these last few days, which is amazing. I'm sharing a rowhouse with three boys (scary right?) My room is big and beautiful as is the kitchen. The boys are great. Moving stuff in was a breeze with so many hands. I came downstairs two nights ago to find them sorting through everything in the kitchen, organizing and cleaning. They're clean! It's wonderful. I'm psyched. I whipped up these margarita-inspired sables au citron as my inaugural batch of cookies. They liked them. We're a happy little family.

I also caught up with most of my city planning friends at a party last night. I didn't realize how much I missed this great group of crazy kids. I can't say I'm ready to start school tomorrow (eek!) but I am glad to be back with friends.

I missed some things about this city. I like that I can easily walk everywhere I need to. Groceries, cafes, bars and restaurants are just around the corner. And like New Orleans, my neighbors here are friendly and say hello. I have yet to walkabout and fully reacquaint myself with the city as I've been busy unpacking and all that jazz. Hopefully this afternoon I can go for a long run around town.

School starts tomorrow. Did I mention that? Yikes. I'm definitely doing some class shopping. But I'm also excited for the semester. My studio class is doing a long-term plan for the water levels of the Delaware river, so we're traveling to Holland to interview officials there on how they do what they do so well. After living in New Orleans I think I'll be even more interested in the studio. Hurrah.

Well my loves, I should probably get back to work. I hope all is well and we talk (for real) sometime soon.

If you're reading this, I love you.

-k

Life Mix

2008-07-08T22:33:00.002-04:00

Hi friends,

I've just returned from a lovely Fourth of July weekend in Detroit. This trip convinced me that July 4 is my favorite holiday. There's no expectation or stress or arguing over when to spend time with whom. Unlike Christmas break, I don't spend half the break in bed recovering from school and hiding from the cold. On good old Independence day I needn't plan my menu and send invitations two months in advance. It's just a lovely day of reflection and relaxation spent in the company of friends and family. This year my sis and I each invited whoever was free. Our small party took the paddle boat around the lake, ate, and played bocce ball before roasting marshmallows over a bonfire, enduring my mother's tall tales, and watching neighbors light illegal fireworks. What could be better?

It was great to spend time with my sis while she's starting her first year of residency. I also played some tennis with my parents, talked to my bro on the phone about America's impending fiscal doom, went to City Fest downtown and had an impromptu Food in the Hood, and saw Wall-E (which I highly recommend). I hope your weekend celebrations of the nation's independence were equally as pleasurable and festive.

And now to the point: During my trip, Patrick reminded me of something cool that he and his friends did last summer. They all made Life Mix CD's and sent them around to each other. It's a pretty simple concept - create a soundtrack which encompasses your life thus far. Alas, in light of my attempts today, the Life Mix is a dauntingly complex task. But I think it'll be really fun. So I wanted to propose that we all make one this summer. I know everyone's busy, but it's summer, I mean, how busy can you really be? I guess some of his friends went as far as making CD jackets and writing descriptions for each song/time period. I beseech you to be as creative as you please.

Let me know if you're in.

Much love always,

-k

A fortnight and a half

2008-06-26T22:58:00.003-04:00

Hello dear friends,

The third week of my New Orleans adventure is coming to a close. I apologize for my infrequent posts - apparently computer chargers die in humidity. Luckily I live across the street from the Loyola library so I've been using the computers here.

A few comments on work and friends (as per Brian's request):

Work
I work at a non-profit organization called NHS which serves a number of functions. First, NHS teaches gives homeownership counseling and teaches financial fitness classes. Second, NHS does construction management and real estate development. Finally, NHS has a Community Building Initiative (CBI). That's the department I'm in.

My supervisor also has a Masters in Planning and he's really cool, as is everyone else at NHS. So far we've done a survey of 1200 housing conditions in the Freret neighborhood. On Monday Eddie Izzard (the comedian) did a benefit concert for NHS. We are also working with a group of architects called Design Corps, who are designing and building a new bus shelter for Freret street. My job involves attending a lot of community meetings and giving a lot of presentations. Tomorrow I'm starting a more independent project. NHS recently bought a building which needs to be renovated. I'm going to do some renderings of the re-designed building for a capital campaign. I'm also creating urban design guidelines for Freret Street.

Friends
One other student from my program is down here this summer - my friend Matt. He is working for NORA - the New Orleans Redevelopment Authority. There are a bunch of interns working for the city who I've met and hung out with once or twice. I've also hung out with the Design Corps kids a few times. They're all in their Masters program too and pretty cool.

Moving to a new city is a fun adventure, but, as I'm sure you all know, it takes a while to really settle in and make good friends. Weekends have been fun so far - bars and bands and good times, but lots of small talk and mingling. This Saturday I'm heading to the beach with Matt and some others. It should be a good time.

Life in General
My average day involves going to work, coming home, eating dinner, running, cold showering and then reading. I've read "The Moviegoer" by Walker Percy and "Old Men at Midnight" by Chaim Potok. I just started "Women in Love" by D.H. Lawrence. It's a quiet life. I like the independence and the free time to think. But, conversely, and necessarily, it's a bit lonely.

I actually went to church last Sunday - First Presbyterian Church of New Orleans. I think I'll go again this Sunday but I'll try a different church. I think I'll dabble in Catholicism since New Orleans is such a Catholic city.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

-k

First Impressions

2008-06-15T19:16:00.005-04:00

I'm writing from my new apartment in New Orleans. There's much to say about this town and I don't quite know where to begin. I wrote a few thoughts in my sketchbook yesterday so I'll start there:

This city is more beautiful than any other I've ever encountered. The trees are majestic and magical, the houses are unique and hospitable. The city emanates a charm which is sincere and unpretentious. Life ambles amiably - not concerned or even aware of the pace at which the rest of the world travels. 'Folks' smile when you pass on the street and make conversation when you sit next to them on the streetcar. Nola is an anomaly. It engages and delights all of your senses without overwhelming them (like a Wes Anderson movie compared to Baz Luhrman). Surely heaven must feel a bit like this place.

But beneath this surface so lovely (and legitimately so) lurks a deep well of sorrow and fear. NO's history seems to divide into two eras: before the storm and after the storm. (One food writer for the Times-Picayune dated his article June 10, A.D. 3 - After the Deluge). It's difficult to even reference the city without placing it in one of these two contexts. I wonder if people get tired of talking about it. I wonder if they just want to forget the disaster that so thoroughly destroyed (and continues to destroy) this place. But the levees still aren't rebuilt properly and a new hurricane season has arrived. Friends who left BS have yet to return. Lives and homes and businesses were lost and never regained. So much devastation - the equivalent of which this country has rarely seen - takes far more than three years to repair.

I read the newspaper today and the main three articles all pertained to Katrina. A to-do list for planning for your family's evacuation took up a whole page. The Army Corps of Engineers remain the bad guys as the levees they're currently building leak. The Corps assures the people that it's fine, but that's what they said last time... There's little trust in the government. Even after three years, the mayor doesn't have a citywide evacuation plan. He says everyone should have their own evacuation plan. Well that should've been the case last time too, but if people are poor and don't have cars they're out of luck. How hard is it to plan to mobilize a mass bus fleet? A few friends and I discussed this yesterday and realized the three of us could probably comprise a feasible plan in a few hours. Bureaucracy is ridiculous.

It would be hard to rebuild a life here if you're not sure it won't just be destroyed again.

But all this sad stuff is balanced by the good that's going on. People are empowered here. They attend neighborhood meetings, they want to know what the city government is doing, and they want to hold the city accountable. Before the storm, folks didn't know they could have a say. Now they're saying it. It's astounding how many efforts bubble up from grassroots. New Orleanians are truly indomitable. They fight for rebirth because there is so much to save here.

My one regret is this: Despite the genuine hospitality and kindness of New Orleanians, an outsider can never become one. Perhaps after many years you can work your way in, but people will always ask "Where you from?" Obviously I don't expect to call myself a local after only a week. But if I did move here for the long run, I wonder if I'd ever be fully accepted. I don't begrudge the locals for it - being "from here" is a point of pride that I wouldn't like to share with outsiders either.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Regarding my life, I work about a mile from home. I walk or ride my bike to work. There's a lovely park right near my house - Audubon Park - where I go for runs and bike rides. (I biked 8 miles today and ran 5.6 Woo hoo!) There are a bunch of cafe's and shops and a Whole Foods on Magazine Street which is also close by. When I want to go downtown I ride the streetcar on St. Charles Street. My apartment is on the second floor of a house in Uptown. It has high ceilings and I have two roommates. The girl goes to Loyola for jazz saxophone and has a puppy. The boy is an mba student from Duke who's interning with a hospital. There's plenty of space for visitors :) It's hot down here but I haven't melted yet. July may be a different story. The food here is amazing. You would love it.

I miss you. Come see me.

-k

2008-06-01T17:47:00.002-04:00

Happy Summer everyone!

I'm writing from dear old Michigan. I apologize for my absence - since school ended I tried to take a break from the computer. (My eyesight is officially worse as a result of my last year. Boo.)

These last few weeks have been full of good things. I had tons of fun in Philly before flying to Chicago for my sister's graduation from medical school. We had a party there with all my cousins including bocce ball and running bases. To use a phrase from old days: "good times." Since getting back to the D I've met up with old friends and just generally chilled out. I love Detroit in the summer and am sincerely sad that I can't stay longer. Alas, adventures await.

I forgot to mention I got a job. Although it was so late in the game, it was worth the wait. I'm going back to New Orleans for the summer. Hurray! I leave at the end of this week. So if you need a vacation come stay with me. I promise it's the most magical place you'll ever visit.

What will I be doing there? I'm working with Neighborhood Housing Services through the Rockefeller Foundation. We'll be in a neighborhood with some pretty diverse residents (very wealthy and very poor) so our job will be to build consensus among these different stakeholders to create plans which benefit everyone, and ultimately prevent gentrification. Rents in New Orleans are actually pretty high (on par with Philadelphia or Chicago) due to the low supply, so another part of my job will be to track down the owners of abandoned or vacant properties, convince them to sell to NHS, and then rebuild those houses to give back to displaced residents. Finally I'll be doing some urban design work as well as general design stuff in CS3. So that's cool. I'm psyched.

Despite my overwhelming love for that city, I'm a little wary of spending a summer there. It's currently a mild 90 degrees, and it's only May. July's heat and the swampy mosquitoes might make it a city less pleasant than the one I visited in March. Oh well. When I talked to my boss about job specifics he asked if I was bringing a car. I said probably not. He said it might be a good idea "for groceries, or when it rains, or for evacuation purposes." Oh yeah. Hurricanes. I forgot about that. I naively feel like the worst hurricane already hit New Orleans. They can't get any more for a while right? Duh.

Anyway, as Isaac pointed out, I'll have to think of a clever interim name for my blog seeing as I won't be in Philly anymore. Suggestions appreciated.

I hope you're all having wonderful summer breaks, vacations, adventures, or at least learning a lot in studies and/or work.

Much love dear friends,
-k

And the first year comes to an end.

2008-05-15T21:24:00.003-04:00

The semester is finally over. It came to a surprisingly triumphant but almost anti-climactic end. The last month has been wrought with things to do - each task awaited by another in an endless line. I honestly can't say I took a day off in the last four weeks. I've definitely never functioned on so little sleep; prob averaging one all-nighter a week, with a max of six hours any night - usually less. I gave my workshop presentation to the client and faculty jury on zero sleep. I finished our 90 page workshop book in three grueling days. And with one essay test for urban econ it was over. Thank God.

I took the last two days off to become a real person again. I explored the city at a leisurely pace. I saw them filming a movie with Owen Wilson and that guy from Grey's Anatomy (McSteamy I think? Jennifer Aniston is in it too but I didn't see her.) I browsed books with James in two bookstores. We found a garden on the top floor of the Kimmel Center. We ran into five other planners in Rittenhouse Square in the course of fifteen minutes. This is truly the smallest big city in the world. I forgot how Center City feels during the daytime. It's so bustling even in the middle of the week. Oh and I found a new favorite restaurant. I've made a point of trying new restaurants in Philly b/c it's a fun break that doesn't take too long. This one is called The Latest Dish and it's the first place that's really knocked my socks off. Other places have been good, quite good, but this was my fav. So come visit me and we'll go back. I went running the last couple days. I'm finding new music and listening to NPR again. I'm catching up on the headlines. I even watched Top Chef last night.

Today I slept in and read The Life of Pi in Rittenhouse. So far so good. Now I'm cleaning my room, getting my life in order, attempting to figure out where I'm going this summer, where I'm moving next fall, when I'll stop home in Detroit and how long I'll be there.

Cleaning out my school folders is deflating. So much work for what? a few pages that I organize into a clear, expandable file folder. I hate when an end result doesn't reflect everything that went into the product. Maybe the process counts. I hope so.

I do feel I've learned a lot this year. I've definitely worked hard. I think my skills show it. But what? This year doesn't feel like any other school year before. It's not a clean break I guess, because next fall is lingering just around the next corner. I'm not sad to leave friends because we all know we'll see each other in a few short months. It's not a momentous change heading into a new grade. It's just Masters Program Part II. Which is ok. I feel older this year - more comfortable in who I am and more familiar with my shortcomings. Maybe that sums it all up. I spent the first semester feeling uncertain. The second semester showed me who I am but no more about who I should be or who God is or what I should do in my life. Hopefully those things will come.

I do want to say thanks to all of you who helped me through this crazy year. Your thoughts, prayers, advice, words of wisdom and encouragement were highly appreciated. I also sincerely apologize for being a sub-par friend in many respects. I def didn't keep up like I should've. Please know it doesn't mean I don't love you, but that I'm bad at time management.

Anyway, I love you all. And wherever I go this summer, I hope you visit me or I can visit you.

<3

-K

2008-04-24T12:30:00.003-04:00

Are you ever just swept away by everything?

Summer or the advent of summer does that to me. Trees that were sticks pop into flowers and then green - green everywhere. Blue skies, sunlight that's golden instead of white, breezes that carry some scent of the season, birds that make noise (too much noise), construction sounds, traffic and bustle, and people are out to enjoy it. I didn't know there were so many people. Three weeks ago campus had a smattering of bench-sitters and small crowds outside for smoke breaks. Now people are everywhere - laying on the lawn, crowding the benches, sitting on steps. We all want to be part of this recently-awakened buzz.

But more than that - what is it? I get sentimental this time of year. I'm reflective of the past year that's gone by, I anticipate the surprises and adventures that summer holds in store. I romantically envision some version of perfection that will surely be my next three months. So much is in store, so much is going on now, all of it's happening too fast to take it in or assess it or even understand and before I know it it'll all be lost. I hate missing out on everything-at-once moments. Spring is the best time to catch them and the easiest time to miss them b/c I'm always so busy with school.

Alas.

Forgive the disjointedness of my brief break from schoolwork.

2008-04-20T22:14:00.003-04:00

Hey friends,

So another school year is coming to an end. It's crunch time, but not crunchy enough that I'm freakin' out yet (hence me writing this blog). In any case, I just realized I'm going to be home in about a month. It's going to be summer again. I simultaneously feel like summer just happened and that summer was a lifetime ago. I feel like I've lived about three lives in the last year: Calvin, summer, and Penn. I'm happy with the one I'm in now. I wouldn't want to go back to anything I've been before. I think I'm on the right track life-wise, even though I never anticipated the way things have shaken out. I never thought I'd doubt the things I've doubted. I never thought I'd decide what I've decided. Maybe the first lent itself to the second. This time around though I've owned my actions. I'm not lying anymore, to myself or anyone else. So word to that.

Who knows what summer holds? Waiting to hear back on an internship opportunity. Don't want to talk about it yet for fear of jinxing it. Trying to keep my hopes down. Sigh. Wherever I end up this summer, I don't know if I can handle any more lifetimes. So much change is overwhelming.

Despite the different lives, some patterns emerge. For example, I have a boy problem. I always thought I just fell into relationships without looking for them because I wasn't assertive enough to know what I wanted/didn't want. While I've become more discerning in my taste, it's no coincidence that I'm always in a relationship. Because I don't know how to be friends with girls I just become friends with guys. It's way easier, it makes more sense to me, I'm more comfortable. And then that always ends up somewhere. It's a strange deficiency. I could probably teach a class on dating but I need a class on making friends.

I'm having a hard time foreseeing my future. I'm failing to connect my present actions with possible future consequences. I'm living in the now. How lame that sounds. I don't even know how to picture a future or where or with whom.

Life goes by pretty fast. I always indulge myself in brief moments of perfection. I wish I was brave enough to look at the big picture.

Until we meet again,

-k

Philadelphia <3 and Refrigerator Space

2008-04-07T21:22:00.008-04:00

Walking through Rittenhouse Square today on my way to the coffee shop I came to an important realization: I would rather live in Philadelphia than Chicago. In the long run I mean - even after school is over. Maybe this shouldn't be so groundbreaking but it is for me. I've got so much family in Chicago, it's always felt a bit like home, I love the Cubs and the Bears way more than the Phillies or the Eagles. In Chicago's defense, I've never lived actually lived there. So maybe this is an unfair comparison. But Philadelphia is mine. Perhaps it's a function of my "need to be special" personality type, but I like to be original and I like to be independent. I'm the only person I know (besides the people I've met here) who's ever lived in Philly. It's a well-kept secret and I like being in on it. Chicago has no Rittenhouse Square and no flowery trees in Spring, or at least far fewer trees. Philly is somehow more manageable in size. It's big but not too big. It's small enough to feel my own and run into people I know. It's safe but not too safe. There's still grit on my street, and there are still gritty neighborhoods where poor grad students like myself can afford to live and still be able to walk to the park declared one of the best in the country by Jane Jacobs. No one knows how great it is until they get here. Word to that.

I don't know if I want to live in Philly after school is over. I want to hop around the world before settling down. But I can see myself here in the future. That's an interesting feeling. The future's freaking me out at the moment. I've got no internship for the summer yet and I'm starting to panic. Send out a few prayers for me if you don't mind. I've sent a bunch of applications but haven't heard much back. Yikes. Hopefully it'll all come together.

As per usual I spent last week bustin' my butt on another project. The results were pretty cool. We took a photo of a crappy street, traced it, then Photoshop-ed together a fixed street and traced that. Even though it was tracing, all the finished products were really different. My prof wanted us to trace because a lot of people don't have drawing experience and he didn't want perspectives and such to get warped (although Photoshopping warps things anyway, but whatev.) We hung up our existing photo, the existing conditions drawing, and the fixed drawing, and then people picked their favorites. My prof (who I don't think likes me very much) spent a lot of time talking about both of mine. I was afraid he'd think my drawings "too sketchy" but he actually really liked them (maybe b/c he didn't know whose they were?) In any case, it made me feel more confident about my urban design skills. Check it:
Existing Thompson Street photograph

Existing Thompson Street drawing
Re-Design for Thompson Street
This project kinda pissed me off because I don't think sidewalk cafe's, street trees, and first floor retail are the solution to all city planning problems. But the exercise was to teach us to draw a convincing vision so I think it served its purpose. I learned to draw trees which was fun. I would probably do a bunch of things better/differently but there's only so much time in a day. My prof said the pavement was "expertly done" and the trees were "fresh and original." Sorry, I'm not tryin' to brag but I realize I do put my work on this blog like a refrigerator. My intent is just to show y'all what I'm doing all day rather than calling you (even though I'd surely rather be calling you). I miss you all dearly and hope to see you sometime, somewhere this summer.

<3
K

I win...kind of

2008-03-26T13:00:00.004-04:00

Hi blog,

Sorry for neglecting you, my dear readers, for so long. I've said this about a hundred times this year, but it's true once again: I just finished the biggest project of my life. Seriously. It was ridiculous. I worked pretty much nonstop for five days, averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night. It's done. It looks alright. It could be more perfect. I don't have time for perfect these days.

The project was to create three housing typologies (single family detached, single family rowhouse, mixeduse retail and residential) for a proposed new town, based on principals of critical regionalism and sustainability. My town was to be located in the Shenandoah Valley, so in keeping with critical regionalism, the housing styles, colors, and materials used all had to fit in with the architecture and landscaping and materials that are native to Virginia. We had to do site plans showing how each housing type would relate to the street as well as street sections showing sidewalk widths, bike lanes, streetscaping spacing. We had to do two drawings of each building, an axonometric (which is a 3-D side view) and an elevation. You have to use an architectural ruler so everything is to-scale. So if someone saw my drawing and it said 1"=20' they could get out their architectural ruler and measure a window and know that it was supposed to be 6' wide. Pretty neat.

And then we had to write it all up in a fancy report with a vision and ten principles of design like "the town shall be walkable from end to end" and each principle had to have three guidelines like "Pedestrian pathways will connect each residential street to the Town Center," or "pathways will be 4'-6' and be ADA compliant regarding grade and surface texture." And then we had to draw a diagram for each principle.
It was worth doing. It was excessively long. My professor gave the same assignment last year only they didn't have to write principles or draw diagrams. He was giving us shit for being behind - "last year's class was way ahead of you." But the assignment was twice as long. So eff him.

It was a huge ass project. It was a shit show. I did it all by hand. Some people cheated and used Sketch-Up which we weren't supposed to do b/c it distorts axonometric drawings, but whatev. Hopefully it'll be a good portfolio piece.

Anyway, I've finally gotten some sleep. That was lovely. It's spring here in Philly. I spent the last three months anticipating an impending winter that never came. Thank God. After living in Michigan no winter will ever feel terrible again.

I'm so unfamiliar with having nothing due tomorrow that I don't know what to do with myself.

Gotta get jazzed for six hours of class. Wish me luck.

<3
-K

PS I still have lots and lots and lots to say about New Orleans. I'll get to it tomorrow, I promise.

New Orleans - Day Two: Low-key local interaction

2008-03-16T23:39:00.010-04:00

The next day the Rockafeller Fellows (whose organizations we were interning with for the week) had a barbeque to which we were invited. Getting there was kind of a mess since the directions sucked, but it was a lovely drive. Plannerspeak was flying all over the place in our Honda minivan - "This right-of-way is amazing", "check out those set backs," "What a mature treeline - what kind of trees are those?", "This scale is so pedestrian-friendly," "Is that Whole Foods an adaptive reuse?" "Eww what is with that building, it doesn't fit with the rest of the urban fabric at all," etc. etc. etc. It was hilarious. It was so nerdy. We were loving it.

We found Audubon Park finally and not that many people were there. A few blankets were set out. One guy introduced himself and the others kinda hung back. It was a bit awkward cuz we didn't know who was who - who we'd be working with or who was just a friend of someone else. We played football and soccer and mingled a little. It was all less structured than we'd expected. We'd arrived at 1 and most people didn't arrive til 3, the grilling didn't start til 4. By the end of the trip we would understand that New Orleanians lead a laid-back life. They don't start on time and they only end early if it's work. They chill. It's cool. By the end of the picnic we'd talked to a lot of people and it was a lot of fun. Someone brought three pounds of cooked crawfish which they taught us how to peel and eat right out of the shell.

Genevieve, Shayla, and Rachel enjoying themselves at the picnic

When we left the party was still going on, but we wanted to go out and explore more for the day. It was so sunny and pretty but still cool that I really wanted to go for a run. I left around 630pm from the hotel hoping to get back before dark - as everyone warned me. It was a really nice run. New Orleans has a few trolley lines which run down the boulevards in the middle of the street. Local people run or walk along the tracks. I did the same for a bit but the sun was in my eyes so I went back to the sidewalk. I had no idea how far I'd gone but I decided to head back b/c the sun was setting at an alarming rate. I got home around 7:20 and saw I'd gotten a few text messages - "Are you back safely yet?" I was. It was a long run. It felt amazing. (I just checked Gmaps Pedometer - http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=1706018 - 6.5 miles - not bad.)

I was about to hop into the shower when James called to say that some people were heading to Mother's in five minutes.
"Could you wait ten minutes do you think?" I asked.
"No, I think they wanted to leave soon," James replied.
"Well, I'll meet you down there in five, and if I'm not there you can leave without me."
Fastest shower of my life. In and out, dried and dressed, hair washing included, down to the lobby in five minutes. I win.

We walked a few blocks to Mother's - a quite unique, cafeteria-style soul food joint, recommended to us by Kate Daniel (the city planning administrative assistant who organized this trip, and our lives in general and who also lived in Nola for a while.) Despite how greasy and gross it looked, it was pretty delish. I got red beans and rice which I doused in hot sauce - as is the custom in this city.

James and James at the Mother's counter
"Who the hell keeps snapping that flash off?" yelled an employee, at which point, I stopped taking pictures.

When we got back, the rest of the group wanted to go see a band play, which I was into, but they wanted to get food first, which I was not into, since it was already like 10 and we had to work early the next day.

So my friend James and I wandered around the Warehouse district and checked out the architecture and urban design there. I know, I know, it sounds super nerdy. And it was. But it was really enjoyable. I wish I'd taken more pictures. Double porches and spanish railings are definitely my favorite details of New Orleans architecture. In Urban Design class, my professor is always talking about "Critical Regionalism" which is new architecture that draws from local materials and arch styles to create something modern and progressive yet contextually appropriate. When he talks about it it sounds all well and good, but he rarely gives us any examples. Walking around an unfamiliar city definitely helped us to talk through what we thought were good and bad designs. This building was one of James' favs:
After walking around a decent bit, we called it an early night and headed back to the hotel. I slept well despite anticipation of our first day of work at Neighborhood Housing Services at 9 am.

New Orleans - Day One: typical tourists

2008-03-16T23:08:00.004-04:00

Dearest friends,

I've just returned from a week in New Orleans that was probably the most important of my education thus far. I don't know where or how to begin recounting the events of the week and I know nothing I can say will do justice to the unique magic that makes New Orleans unique to any other place I've ever experienced.

I'll start at the very beginning because Julie Andrews once told me it was a very good place to start. We arrived last Saturday in the early afternoon. Most of us hadn't slept much the night before but our fatigue didn't stop us from hitting the French Quarter as soon as we'd had a minute to change clothes. Only Sarah Marks had ever been to New Orleans before, so all that most of us knew about it were a few streets and food items we'd heard tossed around: beignet, muffuletta, Bourbon Street, French Quarter, gumbo. So accordingly, we indulged in all of these things in the first twelve hours of our visit.

First stop was Cafe du Monde for an afternoon snack. Cafe du Monde is the most famous place to eat beignets in New Orleans, maybe the world. Beignets are sweet, fried squarish pastries topped with piles of powdered sugar. They come in plates of three and are served with hot chocolate or coffee and chickory (coffee and thick cream - quite delicious.)

After the cafe we took back to the street where everyone bought muffelatta's - a New Orleanian sandwich. It's a couple different kinds of cold cuts with provolone and swiss and lots of olives on top. I didn't partake but I hear they were good. We wandered over to the river where everyone ate and we watched giant ships roll by. Then we went back across Decatur street and headed west toward Bourbon Street.

Bourbon Street is probably the typical image that comes to mind when one thinks of New Orleans. Nearly every stall is a bar covered with neon signs. People are wandering all over the street with drinks in hand and beads strewn carelessly about their necks. It is only four o'clock in the afternoon mind you. And yes, drinking is allowed in public in this town. Which is amazing. People got their first round of drinks in cups that said "big ass beer." I wanted to hold out so my first drink in Nola would be a hurricane - another famous Nola beverage. We passed a store that had them, (actually every store probably had them) and everyone was like "Get one now!" I was like, "I don't want to be drunk at 4!" They were like "This is New Orleans!" So I gave in. It tasted like red cool aid. It hit a lot harder, but not too hard. I think we wandered back to the hotel nicely buzzed and everyone took pre-dinner naps.

For dinner we went to Oliver's - a nice restaurant on Decatur. I decided at the beginning that I'd eat seafood this week since I'd be wasting an amazing culinary experience if I didn't...and I don't feel that bad for seafood since it seems harder for them to suffer. I had crawfish etoufee. It might be my new fav food. So good. Next we wandered down Decatur all the way to Frenchman Street and found ourselves in an entirely new district - it was a whole block of jazz and blues bars off the tourist path. We went to d.b.a and saw an awesome blues guitarist. After a few hours and another couple drinks we went back to Bourbon Street.

The last stop (around 2 am) was Pat O'Brien's - home of the Hurricane (the drink). I was already pretty drunk. But everyone was having hurricanes and convinced me to have one - which I admit wasn't hard cuz i wasn't exactly at the top of my game as far as decision-making goes. I split it with Sally. I felt fine for the rest of the night - until we went back to the hotel. I got to my room and laid down. At which point I promptly got up, went to the bathroom and got beaten by the hurricane. Alas. Lesson learned.

Jumbled thoughts for the day

2008-03-02T19:55:00.003-05:00

Thoughts for the day:

-Can you gossip to yourself? I try not to be the person who tells everyone everything about everyone else. But is it any better to think snarky comments to myself about others? Probably not.

- I'm overwhelmed by the connectedness of the world. You know how if you spend a day playing a video game or working with a certain graphics program or, (in my case for today) graphing transportation systems, everything you see becomes that set of lines or patterns? I was walking down the stairs at a diagonal angle and realized the pattern looked just like the graph for local versus express trains. Maybe that's nerdy. But I think my point is when you throw yourself into one subject that becomes the basis of how you interpret everything in the world. So back in undergrad I saw everything as sociology. And then everything was art. For the moment everything is headway and terminal time and operating velocity and cycle time.

None of these are empirically right. I don't think that everything ultimately comes down to economics or biology or politics or art or sociology or theology or philosophy. Instead it's all so interconnected that you can tap into one of those underlying frequencies and interpret everything through that lens, and it's just as correct as any other frequency. It's fascinating to discover which frequencies resonate with which people.

At the moment I'm hopping between a bunch of them all the time, which is keeping my brain in shape to say the very least. I'm about to finish a bunch of engineering/physics type calculations, after which I'll finish a sketch and layout a portfolio.

-My subconscious life has been affecting my conscious life lately. I keep having these telling dreams, all loaded with subtle and not-so-subtle symbolism. Not only do I remember the dreams in the morning (which I haven't done in quite a while) but they affect how I feel for the rest of the day. It's strange.

-In the same vein, I've been having a disconnect between how I feel and being cognizant of that feeling. For example, the other day I felt all depressed inside, but I didn't consciously understand why. Then I thought it might be because of a decision I made, but I lacked the connecting guilt or conviction to make me consciously comprehend and confirm that I indeed believed I was wrong. The higher-thinking required to connect the causative action to the resulting feeling wasn't there. I just felt weird inside, but didn't feel wrong or regretful in my head. Also odd.

- When I'm doing school work and it's going faster than I expected, rather than working quickly to get it done, I relax my pace and waste time, so I end up finishing at the same time I would've had it taken as long as I expected it to in the first place. How's that for a run-on sentence?

-I'm going to New Orleans on Saturday. Hurray.

Disclaimer

2008-03-01T12:58:00.002-05:00

A clarification in response to some concerned comments from readers (all two of them):

I hereby reserve the right to wax melodramatic and employ hyperbole for rhetorical purposes. While the majority of what you read is true, I reserve the right to embellish that truth (to the point of falseness) as I see fit.

Because, let's be honest, dramatic writing is more interesting than dull and mundane, no? And I do what I want.

If I am truly, heart achingly sad or despaired I probably will let you know in a more direct way than writing about it in an obscure blog. For the most part you can assume that I'm alive and well, that I have ups and downs, and that I'll call you if I need you. And you can always call me if you need me. Word? Word.

All good things have endings?

2008-02-27T22:19:00.002-05:00

It's one of those mean facts of life that we want what we can't have, once we get it we don't want it anymore, and once we lose it we realize just how much we've lost. Sometimes we're forced to make decisions that go against our emotions. Sometimes logistics and practicality and proximity and timing decide for us, despite the panging objections of the heart. Invariably those decisions hurt - this time, far more than I anticipated. We pretend to be comforted by the fact that it was the right choice. It made sense. It had to happen as it did. And maybe in a few days or months or years it'll all come together as it should. But not today. Today it hurts.

Snow Day

2008-02-22T13:35:00.002-05:00

The first significant snowfall since Christmas settled upon my lovely Philadelphia this morning. On the plus side, my only class of the day was canceled. On the downside, so was my flight. So now I'm fixin' to fly out for Detroit at 6:15 am tomorrow morning. This throws a wrench into plans for today and for the weekend, and I'll surely be unable to see everyone I had hoped to in my now two-day excursion to the Motor City.

Alas. The snow isn't all bad; in fact I quite like it. It changes the pace of the city. Somehow it's simultaneously slower yet frenzied. I walked through Rittenhouse Square on my way here (Capriccio on 17th and Locust), and as always, found it to be the most magical place in the world. A couple sipped steaming coffee while laughing on a park bench. People played with their dogs who were so excited about this strange stuff covering the ground. A dad threw snowballs with his three daughters. A bunch of kids in sweatshirts and snowpants were playing football. People are rushing to get outside and enjoy their lives. I love this city. I love slushing around in my snow boots. I love the way my right sock always works its way off my foot in my snow boots. Wait. I hate that. Why only my right sock? It's too funny to be annoying. But I digress.

So an intended travel day becomes a blessed free day? (<----attempt at optimism). I'm here at the cafe to get my sketch on. I feel like I've been working my booty off these last couple weeks and accomplishing little. The workpile is increasing exponentially and I'm barely making a dent. On top of it all I'm supposed to be applying for internships. On Wednesday night I was freaking out about them. Today I'm feeling better. It seems that most firms who do urban design are looking for people with hand drawing skills. Hurray! That's me. Who knew an art major would ever be useful for something?

Strangely enough I'm sketching more than ever lately. It's like now that I don't have to be artistic and don't have to keep a sketchbook, I want to. I'm not afraid of sucking anymore. I mean, I might suck, but at least I'm not afraid of it, and I guess that's what counts. People here are easily impressed and that gives me the shallow confidence to keep drawing. Actually, I just want to draw. It feels good. It keeps me psychologically warmed up for anything requiring creativity. I'm also writing with my left hand a lot - even more than I did in college. I actually like that handwriting better now. And I like my left-handed drawings better. Weird.

I'm leading a double-life. Two cities. Two handwritings. Two faiths (or one faith and a lack thereof). Two sets of friends. It's fractured. It was disconcerting. I think I'm used to it now. The being used to it is disconcerting.

I realize I should put some pictures on here. I'll get on that.

Just wanted to update you.

hearts,
-k

Making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us

2008-02-11T18:20:00.000-05:00

Just finished a panel discussion on slum upgrading. The panelists were incredibly established in their fields and accordingly intelligent. I can't ever attend these things without leaving inspired. Even though the problems are staggering and potentially depressing, they're also laden with hope. It's fascinating to see how well people can help themselves with so few resources. It makes me feel lucky and lazy, and therefore liable to be part of the solution.

A recent conversation with a friend revealed to me that not all people care about changing the world. Not everyone has such lofty aspirations. This isn't to sound like I'm really great because I do want to change the world. But rather I feel that because I care (and not as many people care as I previously thought) I have to do something about it. That makes me feel hopeful and accountable and directed.

It also makes me hopeful about my field again. Last semester I was down on planners because historically they have fucked up some cities (i.e. urban renewal). Or else, they've been impotent suckers stuck in big city bureaucracies. But what all of these experts are telling us is "We need city planners because you guys see the big picture." According to these international housing experts and CEO's and World Bank employees, economists and engineers problem solve in ways that don't account for social complexities. So they like us and they need us because essentially, we're generalists.

That feels good. I am a generalist. And up until recently I thought that was a bad thing. I like people and I like science and literature and art, dammit. I'm not sorry for it anymore. As far as talent goes, I don't have much stacked up in any one area, but I've got a little in a lot of different areas, and hopefully that'll be worth something in this field.

Those feelings are reassuring because I've been feeling lost again. This time around though, I don't feel the urgent sense of needing to be found. I'm resigned to it; I'm indifferent about it. I'm changing and I don't know how but I know that I'm different. It makes me feel dishonest or rather, incapable of being honest, because I don't know what is true.

I'm getting confident in my uncertainty. I realize that's dangerous. I fear my new moral-free decisions will be regrets once my conscience comes back. I'm getting assertive. I'm getting blasé. I wonder if I really feel grown-up or if I'm just acting how I think people my age or in my position are supposed to act.

The confidence helps with school though. Last week I turned in my resume and design portfolio for my Urban Design Methods class, complete with three terms which describe my design identity: contextual, comprehensive, catalytic. I used alliteration and I presumptuously claimed to be catalytic. I'm not sorry. We included a page which describes how our layout format embodies our three terms as well as our explanations for choosing them. I explained that while I haven't designed anything catalytic as of yet, I intend to. Those words may not yet be my design identity, but I intend them to be once I'm done here. And I designed my shit the way I wanted, rather than the way my professor might've liked. He's all about stark simplicity - "clean" is his one design term. I respect that, but I had to do it the way I wanted. I don't think it's cluttered or over-designed. I definitely care about criticism and look forward to feedback. Critique is the only way that one can improve. This time around though, (as opposed to in studio art in undergrad), I'm not afraid of not being cool or progressive enough for my professors. I am what I am and I think what I think. By the end of this schoolin' those things will be refined but the basics are established.

I guess I'm progressing professionally. I'm undoubtedly changing personally, but I don't know whether it's for the better or worse. Actually, if I don't know, it's probably for the worst. Oh well. I don't feel much about it at the moment.

I believe in God still, and the person of Jesus is too amazing to doubt. Those are intact. I can't bring myself to go to church. If I could just listen to talented musicians playing incredible arrangements all day I would do that. But I can't. I don't buy much of the rest of it.

One thought keeps resounding in my head, from the movie Paris, Je T'aime. "By acting like a man in love, he became a man in love." This a beautiful thought that might be true. I wonder if I should seek God in this season of Lent, in an according manner and see what I find. I don't really know how to seek tho. I'll ruminate more and decide later.

Unoriginal thoughts on names.

2008-02-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

I have much to do as always but am procrastinating to write this blog. I already began one about Brian's visit but was too tired to finish it last night. I'll be sure to complete and post it soon. In the meantime you can look at the pictures on my google pictures website.

At the moment a few thoughts are swirling in my head. Research shows that everyone's favorite word is their own name. Interesting. You never notice how infrequently your name is said until someone says it. Usually, people just great each other with "Hey, how are you doing?", or initiate questions and conversation by making eye contact rather than saying the person's name. But when your name is said, especially by someone you're close to or intersted in, notice your visceral pleasure at the sound.

Names are an interesting phenomenon. I love hearing Julie and Rick call me "Kris" because they have for my whole life and it implies a unique closeness between us. However, if anyone else calls me that (besides my parents maybe) it's weird. Receiving nicknames from friends or bestowing them upon friends establishes some new identity and bond between you. By the same token, I associate some nicknames (Kray) with a specific group of people and a specific time in my life. It's sometimes disconcerting when I'm referred to like that now.
Hearing someone call to herself or others call someone by a nickname you gave is strangely satisfying.

As CB pointed out, I introduced him to my friends as "Crazy Brian", which was almost a self-fulfilling prophesy. I hope I didn't put too much pressure on him to live up to his name.

That's all for now. Back to work.

satisfyingly mundane

2008-01-29T21:30:00.000-05:00

I need to stay busier than this. I need to close it off. Token indie instrumental music, cash register drawer, change jingles, people talk, receipts print, giant blue mug sits on yellow saucer, lilac folder crowds table, i'm reading, aesthetics sights sounds can't think feel too much he's not coming. that's all.

La Vita è bella

2008-01-20T19:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes life is too beautiful to comprehend. Maybe it always is, but only on occasion does the gravity of everything, the weight of existence, the overwhelming barrage of sights and sounds to be perceived break through...Sometimes it makes me so happy that I hurt. Or so sorry that I can't possibly deserve to live. Sometimes I fear I wouldn't trade earth for heaven.

The combination of sunshine and city permeates my self-protecting tunnel vision and I can't help but be hit by everything around me. I love the sound of the cars outside my window, the wind whipping through the row houses, the bite of cold as I run from home to ballet and back. Yesterday the sky was palest blue with chalk dust sprinkled on top and I swear I've never seen sunlight so white. It made the city look clean. It made me want to be clean.

I bought sandwich supplies for a homeless guy the other day. In my quest to find God or religion or faith I figured I could start with what I know: Jesus was cool and he loved everyone. It's pretty simple. Love is never hard to give. Or it shouldn't be. I was walking home and he asked me for food. So we went to Wawa and he picked liverwurst and rolls and american cheese. He told me about getting kicked out and how he was supposed to go to a shelter...none of it made much sense but sandwiches make sense. Afterward he wanted money for tokens. He smelled like alcohol. I gave him some change and told him God loved him. He said he knew. His name was Mark. I wish him well.

I guess Jesus would probably have brought Mark home with him until he got back on his feet. I'm not quite there yet. Actually, who knows what Jesus would've done? I'm kind of frustrated with the people who presume they know what God wants, so I guess I shouldn't do the same.

This weekend was the calm before the storm. I relaxed and had fun and cooked and cleaned and made some art. I thought a bit about life and love, but not too much. My dilemma at the moment is this: which is worse, the action of doing something wrong, or the fact that you can justify it to yourself afterward?

Democracillin - the cure to what ails you

2008-01-17T16:43:00.000-05:00

On my cold, wet, wintry-mix walk home today I listened to NPR, as is my custom. Terry Gross was interviewing a variety of people about Iraq, asking the question "When and how should we get out?" I hate to admit it but I often ignore such conversations as I find them pointless and frustrating. However, my hands were too cold to get my mp3 player out of my pocket to change the station, so I listened. The first guy she talked to was one of the ones who "planned" the initial invasion and he of course supported the effort, saying things have only improved since we "changed strategies" last year and we just need to "stay the course", whatever the fuck any of that means. (While he was talking I stopped in a second-hand shop to find a hat and stopped paying attention.)

When I went back out (after failing to find a hat) I resumed listening but now the guest was an Iraqi woman speaking on the status of women in Iraq since the invasion. According to the guest, violence against women, such as murder for not wearing burkas, etc. is at unprecedented rates in almost every major city in the country. Essentially, since the US invaded, such extreme, fundamentalist sanctions have only escalated.

Duh. This was not at all surprising to me, not because I'm really smart or I can tell the future. I would have expected that because I took an introductory level anthropology class. In the class we talked about female circumcision and how it becomes more prevalent in the presence of outsiders. A simple fact of anthropology is that when colonizing nations show up in a place, the indigenous citizens often become more fervent in their traditions, religion, and customs. The presence of outsiders creates the need to solidify group identity and combat the new customs and ideas which threaten the indigenous culture.

Anyway, the point of this whole blog is, if I knew this basic fact after taking one freaking college class, who the hell decided our strategies in Iraq and what the hell were they based on? Like, did anyone do any research before we invaded? I mean, you can't even write a college paper without cracking a few books and citing some sources. Shouldn't the invasion of a country, during the process of which many many people can and will die, demand a sufficient amount of research to develop strategies? Like, shouldn't the government consult some anthropologists and economists and political scientists before just showing up? What on earth would lead one to believe they could go into an incredibly complex, vastly different society and culture and expect to change a bunch of shit around? I cannot comprehend the ignorance and ego someone would have to have to think they could.

It's like a drug company CEO (who majored in business instead of chemistry) mixing some chemicals together (Democracillin) and then selling it to the public as "the cure to all social ills", without any trials or lab tests or PROOF that it would work. And so of course the public thinks it's bogus and doesn't buy into it, and the people who do buy it die. Yes, that's exactly what Iraq is.

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. The World Bank, the IMF, the UN, all of these organizations are running around the world telling other countries what to do and fucking things up. (Only recently with micro loans did "development initiatives" actually start helping those countries instead of hurting them.) Essentially they mess with nation's natural economies, crops, and cultures, and apply some formula which just makes the countries prisoners to shitty, unfair global markets. The story goes like this:
UN/IMF/World Bank: You must produce and export corn and soybeans!
Developing Country: But those crops don't grow well in our climate...
UN/IMF/World Bank: We don't care!
Developing Country: But then we won't have time to produce the things we normally do...
UN/IMF/World Bank: We don't care!
Developing Country: But if we export all the corn and soybeans, and don't have our normal crops what will the people here eat?
UN/IMF/World Bank: We don't care!
Developing Country: If our production is based on a global market how will we ever make enough money to get out of this rut?
UN/IMF/World Bank: We don't care!

Etcetera. Now some might say "well, we've got to do something to help the Third World countries. God knows they're so poor and AIDS-ridden and their economies and governments are unstable." Those people are idiots. Do you want to know why there's so much political instability in the global south? Colonialism. For hundreds of years, whitey (my ancestors too...) sailed round the world fucking shit up, systematizing racism, etc. India for example had a very functional, prosperous economy before the British showed up. Yeah, they might've been agrarian systems, but people worked and ate and there wasn't this outrageously polarized, fantastically terrible poverty.

Then the idiots might say "well colonization ended like a while ago, why haven't they gotten their acts together?" Because "development" picked up where colonialism left off. Development agencies export western notions of effective economy and society, which are all normative and biased. All of these freaking "development" agencies try to "help" these countries and "end global poverty." Do you think Bono and Jeffrey Sachs are revolutionary? They're not. The UN's current initiatives are hardly different than the ones from they had in 1950's. Western agencies talk big lofty goals, and try to achieve them by applying our western knowledge to entirely different cultures while the natives look around and are like "what the fuck are you doing? We already know what crops grow here, we know our culture, but the big system is so broken, and you guys just keep making it worse."

The thread that ties it all together: cultures are like nature. You know when some ecosystem has a problem and some idiots are like "ooo we should bring in this plant and it'll fix it!", and then that just creates a problem about a hundred times worse than the previous one? Governments are the same way. Countries and cultures are incredibly delicate. There's a balance between religion and ethnicity and economy far too complex and intricate for an insider to entirely comprehend, let alone an outsider. This isn't to say one country should never attempt to help another, but rather, these problems must be approached delicately. First, as with any problem in any subject, the scope of the problem has to be defined. You can't just say "They need democracy" or "Let's end poverty." Anyone who's ever taken any sort of science class knows that you have to operationalize the variable. What measureable thing is wrong? How are you going to measure those goals? We're never going to get out of Iraq because no one ever claimed clear goals about what we wanted to achieve in the first place. We can't ever succeed. "Democracy" can't be measured.

Why the fuck do we learn this shit in school if our leaders just do whatever the hell their enormous egos tell them to? From what I can see, our invasion of Iraq followed zero principles of international relations or effective political science. From talking to my friend Stacy, (who was a neighborhood planner in Baghdad), our government-sanctioned tactics break all of the rules which anthropology has shown to be effective. In the development field none of the lofty goals about "eradicating poverty" have ever been achieved - because they're not measurable. And no one is held accountable for them. So the UN and all the world governments who sign on to these agreements (like the Millenium Development Goals) which promise to fix shit don't have to answer to anyone if they fail. And they have failed for about 50 years.

I guess I just think whoever is running the world sucks at it. If you want to improve a place maybe you should go ask the people who live their what they think the problem is. If you want to know what works you should probably observe before you solve. I obviously don't think Bush intended to solve anything. But whatever his goal was, I think he failed. Even idiots should know the scientific method. Even if his goal was evil I wish he had operationalized it, because then we wouldn't be stuck in a war we can't win. You cannot accomplish a vague, subjective notion by virtue of the fact it's subjective. That's why we can't win the war on terror or the war on poverty.

End.

For auld lang syne

2008-01-15T01:01:00.000-05:00

The events of the past month were far too varied, extensive, and influential for me to adequately summarize here. Suffice it to say it was a good month. I freaked out for a week in the beginning, lived in an alternate universe for a while, stopped trying to figure things out, saw a lot of movies, slept in, played cards with the parents, traveled to five different states, and somehow ended up in a peaceful, rejuvenated state of mind. Most importantly, I spent time with pretty much all of the people closest to me, and became even closer to most of them. I think I realized which people are the friends I've kept for a long time and will keep forever. Ultimately I feel lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I can't express how refreshing and comforting it was to connect with people who I get and who get me, especially after feeling significantly disconnected over the past semester.

On the plane(s) from Chicago back to Philly I attempted to sleep but I think my subconscious mind was trying to sort out the comprehensive range of emotions I've experienced from the last week in Detroit through this weekend in Chicago. Fatefully I woke up toward the last 20 minutes of the flight and ended up talking to the guy next to me. He was going to Pittsburgh to meet up with some people with whom he works on Harley's. He was one of those outgoing, simple-speaking people who, with little prompting, explained to me his philosophies on life. "You see, the thing about it is...," he said: "...the glass is half full", "...you can't control what happens but you can control your attitude," "...stress doesn't help anything," "...if you've got a lot to do just assess the situation, prioritize what you have to do and do it," and "if you're doing something that you'd be ashamed to tell other people about then you know it's wrong and you shouldn't do it. You should never do anything you're ashamed of." All these tidbits seem like cliches but sometimes the simplest lessons are the ones of which you need to be reminded the most. Twas a lovely, serendipitous, dare-I-say God-influenced encounter.

So now I'm back. I got home late-ish last night after they lost one of my suitcases. Oh well. Upon walking in the door, I was surprised at how good it felt to be back. Even though I'm sometimes lonely here, the converse benefit is that this life feels very much my own -- my apartment and my food and my schedule and my time. I don't have to wait for anyone else to call or make sure I spend adequate time with everyone or let anyone know where and when I'm going. I woke up late today and ate oatmeal before walking around the city, with certain goals in mind but ultimately accomplishing none of them. I had coffee with Clint and Christy and decided to take ballet twice a week. I'll probably go to the gym before I make dinner and go to bed. I didn't do my homework.

It's a new year. It feels like a new year. I feel more certain of who I love and comforted by who loves me. I finally stopped trying to find myself and my beliefs and my God and it seems like they're now finding me -- thanks to some good friends. Life is so much to deal with, too much to really process everything. The moral: I'm privileged to share life with the people I do.

so this is the new year

2008-01-02T00:07:00.000-05:00

I suppose a new year calls for reflection. For perhaps the first time, this year feels like a marked departure from the previous one. School, friends, family, relationships between myself and those people, have all changed considerably from last year. I think the biggest change is faith. I believe in God definitely and Jesus also, and I'm into the Bible, but...I just don't buy anything else. I'm not sure what I believe and consequently I'm not sure how to translate that belief into guidelines for my life. Beyond the obvious things like treating others as I'd like to be treated, I don't know how to apply faith to general life, like propriety in relationships for example. I don't know what my faith is, but even if i did, i think i'd reject all the traditions.

so first. i'm over religion (not faith). this shakes my worldview. i'm lost. this isn't new. but the point is...what's the point? the point is we're defined not by our beliefs but by our actions. it doesn't matter what one thinks is true if she doesn't act accordingly. I need to define myself this year. find myself. i think it starts with being decisive. by that i mean i need to own my actions. i need to be proactive in determining my own fate. letting others decide for me or being too afraid to assert my feelings had caused me nothing but strife in the past. whatever befalls me should do so because i chose it. and i'm going to be alright with what i choose. i'll try to choose rightly according to my newfound lack of guiding morals. yes. the year of decision.

second. i feel old. twenty-two sounds kind of young but i feel like an adult. a grownup. i feel like the weight of my future is constantly upon me. like every decision i make is going to be a permanent one. career, city, love, faith. that's scary. i know i can't decide uncertainty away. i know i can't make all the right decisions. i know my decisions don't have be permanent, but they feel it. eww life feels so serious.

third. death. i lost my Grandma Vi around this time last year and now Grandma Betty's in the hospital. This sucks. I don't want them to die. ever. my life is not complete without them. death is permanent and i'm not into that.

i'm tired.

Regarding uncertainty

2007-12-11T19:36:00.003-05:00

Dearest friends,

It's been a while, especially since I've posted anything of substance
rather than just rants about school. (Sorry about that, it's kind of
consuming). You'll be glad to know the worst is over. I turned in two
twenty-plus page reports yesterday, and I'm feeling appropriately
euphoric. I may have forgone sleep in order to do it, but it is done,
and I am glad. Just a few things left on the list.

Last night I went with a few friends to the bar and let me tell you,
after working for 27 hours straight on projects (literally) one beer
plus the company of a few friends is the best thing in the entire
world. (I still don't like beer but i figured anything else would make
me die.) It was lovely to converse about the semester and life in
general.

I'm nervous/anxious about going home. A week ago I couldn't wait to get there and now I'm afraid. It might be because I've changed a lot this semester -- not as far as my actions, or who I am, but definitely regarding what I believe. As the title implies, this post is about uncertainty. And as most other posts have implied, I'm pretty uncertain these days.

I guess the biggest thing is faith. I'm not really sure what I think about God anymore. I don't mean this to be some big dramatic statement and I really don't want you all to worry. I'm not saying I don't believe in God...I'm just not sure what that means. Or what Christianity means. I'm full of questions that I've never had before -- not about doctrine or the philosophy behind it all, but about how this religion actually plays out in practice.

My first concern is that I'm just not convinced of Christian traditions or cultural practices at the moment. I've been going to church and meeting all the other people at my church that are my age. They're quite nice people, but the majority of them are those really good kids who've never done anything wrong and grew up in Christian homes. That's fine, and I don't mean to discount them as people or as friends. They're not judgmental or condescending. At other times in my life I would really want to be friends with them and feel guilty that I wasn't as good as they are. At this point in life, I'm over that. I've done what I've done and I'm cool with it. I guess the issue is...here we are, a bunch of Christian kids raised in Christian homes...and what have we ever done about it? Who have we ever helped? Who have I ever told about Jesus? I mean, I've had conversations with plenty of people about my faith but I don't know anyone I've actually I dunno, converted? That sounds weird. Anyway, it's like...what's the point? We live by these rules cuz we think they're what God wants us to do, and we practice these traditions... I'm just starting to see it all in an anthropological/sociological light rather than a faith that I believe in and act out.

The second issue is about guilt. I feel like all I ever feel about faith is guilty. I look back at my life and see all the things I've done wrong and how I'm always falling short and how I keep making the same mistakes and how I'm not really progressing at all. I don't think this religion is about failure, but I think I make it about failure. At the end of every day I count up all the ways I was wrong and I apologize to God and hope he forgives me. And then I go and sin in all the same ways the next day. That sucks. Can I ever actually get better? Isn't believing this stuff supposed to make me better? If God wants me to stop doing the wrong things why doesn't he help more? (I can't believe how heretical this sounds, stream-of-consciousness is dangerous, please forgive me)

The third thing is about certainty. I'm getting skeptical about "God's plan" and "God's will." If God has a plan then there's always a right answer. With job/school/love/life choices there's a right answer. I look back at the times when I've said "this is what God wanted" and I want to think I'm right, but simultaneously doublethink says "I'm saying it's God's will cuz I'm trying to justify the way it played out." You can call anything God's will. Accepting the bad things that happen is a lot easier if it's God's will. What if it's not? If there is a right answer then why the hell do I never feel certain? If God so wants me to follow his plan then why doesn't he make it easier to figure it out?

This planning program is revealing more and more that there's no right answer. Planners deal with "wicked problems" as one article calls them - problems so complex that there's no real solution (like poverty for example). You can try to limit the scope on it and zoom in on one aspect, but no matter what you can't fix the whole thing. It's way too complex to understand its scope, let alone implement some way to solve it. You can't even be certain about little things. There will always be winners and losers. You can't see the future so you can't know the long-term effects. You just have to do the best with the info you have.

I almost had a revelation the other day. I realized that no one is certain, or any more certain than I am. You can't be certain. There is no certainty. All you can do is be satisfied with your choices...You can't change it, so why not just be satisfied?

But that's not good enough for me. I want to know! I want there to be a right answer.

I was telling my friend James last night that I think I'm anxious about going home b/c I don't really know what I think about things anymore. His response was "well you just have to decide what you're passionate about and think about that, because nothing else really matters."

I found this to be wise, however I don't know what I'm passionate about. I think it all comes down to not knowing myself anymore. And not knowing myself keeps reinforcing this ridiculous cycle of doubting what I believe, and doubting what I believe just makes me not know myself more.

Ironically/coincidentially/not so coincidentially, Natalie called me last week. And she's doubting all the same things I am. I thought that was funny/relieving/disconcerting. I was expecting to come home over break and tell her all my crazy doubts and she'd tell me how great God was and I'd remember and everything would be ok. Instead she called me with the same doubts and rather than reassuring each other about faith we reaffirmed each other about doubting. Kind of funny no? Yikes...

In a lot of ways words have stopped meaning a lot to me. Sermons don't really inspire me nor do conversations about God. The only time I really feel him anymore is when I'm listening to the music at church. They've got an amazing organ and usually have people from Philadelphia's symphony playing during the service. Last week a brass ensemble played some amazing arrangement of I don't even remember what and I almost cried. Music is revelatory. As is the city - what I see and hear speak to me of something greater. I know it's there. I'll find it again...

(oh my goodness, seriously, my bad about the drama, I don't mean it, just sorting things out, don't worry)

14 Days, 6 Hours, 51 minutes

2007-11-29T12:38:00.000-05:00

That's the stuff I have to do.

It doesn't look so bad in list format. Don't be fooled

In this program assignments aren't just "assignments."
In the case of 550 - Planning Theory, my partner and I have to interview both the Philadelphia and Atlanta Planning Commissions, do a literature review on the historic "planning culture" of the city (in both common press and literary journals) and then synthesize it all into a lovely term paper. (Only it's not a term paper, it's just one of three similarly large assignments in combination with two midterms and one final exam.)

In the case of 624 - Quantitative Methods, we have to sift through my professor's ridiculously vague description of an assignment and put into practice what we supposedly learned in the last three labs when we were sifting through similarly obfuscated directions. Sweet!

GIS assignments are similarly open-ended and time consuming.

678 - the graphics class - is easy conceptually - draw shit in various programs, however, it's time consuming. I'll probably come back to that periodically when my brain is too tired to think.

540 - History of Planning - finish damn research paper on "historically important planner" Patrick Geddes, then take exam on non-critical, fluff history of planning. Easy enough since it requires no deeper level analysis of history! My final exam - "Everything planners ever did was good, and even the bad stuff was ok, since they were products of their time." - Excellent, A+. I just spent $7000 in tuition on that class :)

And after finishing all the "deliverables", (a word with which I've become all too familiar this semester) I shall study for exams. Then I shall take exams. And then I shall return home and hibernate for a couple weeks, perhaps re-read Harry Potter books, and/or other highly important, non-planning literature, watch movies, snuggle with Toby, Natalie, and anyone else who'll have me (yay human interaction!), not drink alcohol or eat chocolate (thanks to the ulcer this city planning program so graciously bestowed upon me!) and smile blankly into space until my cognizant mind returns from its retreat.

I can't wait.

Without a fight

2007-11-28T14:35:00.001-05:00

Who knew happiness could be so quiet?

I don't consider myself an argumentative person by nature -- maybe some of you would disagree. I've definitely gone through phases where I like to argue, but I suppose I'm out of that now. Even in class I find myself without anything to add to debates about modernism, post modernism, and ethics (some of my favorites!). Maybe I'm not down with the format of asserting myself in an interrupting manner whenever the prof says anything that could be argued with. I'm all about meaningful debate, but I guess I prefer to hear what profs have to say, and decide what I think about it, before interrupting class time to bloviate at length for my own egotistical satisfaction. But I digress.

On the one hand, I find myself without any desire to argue and I wonder if I should be concerned. I don't feel like enforcing my ideas on anyone else. I don't feel like fighting for ideals. I don't feel impassioned about anything in particular. Perhaps this is an offshoot of my previous post. I haven't sorted through all this stuff in depth on my own so I'm not quite sure what I think anymore.

Perhaps more disconcertingly, I don't feel like fighting with other people cuz I'm not sure what I want to fight for. I'm struggling to reconcile myself to a number of disparate beliefs that I once believed concretely. Or rather, I'm currently questioning previously concrete components of my identity (good sentence, no?). I once wanted to be a city planner. I still do. But now I don't know what that really means. I once considered myself a Christian. I still do. But now I don't know what that means, or if I really like what that means. I once wanted to be in love. I still do but...I once wanted to get married, I once wanted to move around the world, I once wanted ... It goes on like this. I fear I don't have much fight in me, not only because I don't know what I want, but I don't know if I know who I am? These things I knew I wanted in a way defined me. Now I don't know how to define myself. That sounds melodramatic. I'm not sure if it's true. Ha.

On the other hand, at least in the context of a relationship, it's so nice to not have to fight. I like being able to enjoy things, and share that enjoyment without having to logically justify my enjoyment. I like having someone else just get it. I like just getting someone else. I like not having to fill every moment of silence with something. Shared silence is quite a lovely something that is all too often ruined with weightless words.

I think one of the most beautiful parts of an amazing Thanksgiving break was reading newspapers on a Starbucks couch, passing favorite articles between us. As I've said before, sometimes I tend to get too caught up in my head. It was amazing to spend time with someone whose presence magically makes all those stupid internal debates disappear. For the entire week, it was like someone hit the mute button inside my head. So as we read the Times and the Tribune, I heard silence and rustling pages, and Starbucks' token world-music-of-the-week album, and the prose of some wonderful Tribune staff writer -- instead of an internal monologue droning on about which of Jameson's four quadrants I fall into.

Now that I'm back to the real world, my self-imposed esoteric dilemmas are back to hashing themselves out in the space between my ears while I vainly try to get work done. But in the same vein as above, it's nice to have someone send me an NPR show they happened to come across which they think I'd like. Those small tokens of affection somehow possess that same peace which reminds me why I'm here and what I'm doing and who I am when I'm not muddling through theory and history and computer programming.

I suppose thoughts of the previous week's loveliness will have to get me through two more weeks of school work. I'm now transcending stress and just enjoying learning (or trying to. I was mad zen-like earlier today! With a deadline tomorrow morning I wonder how long it'll last...) Regardless, Christmas break isn't so far away and I've never looked forward to it more.

If you're reading this, I love you.

<3
K

Absorbing and Reflecting

2007-11-01T19:34:00.001-04:00

Two separate but related thoughts:

One - I am learning a lot at school. This is good. I am learning new skills in the forms of new computer programs and data analysis methods. I am also learning new theories of planning which are quite fascinating and are blowing my mind. The problem is that I have so much stuff to do that I don't have time to internalize the theory. I know it and understand it, but I don't have time to think about it and absorb it into my personal theory of what kind of planner I want to be. I came here so certain of what I wanted to do and now I feel confused and overwhelmed and uncertain about all of the options and realities of what planners actually do.

Two - I missed Grand Rapids for the first time a couple days ago. I realized how much I took it for granted. More specifically, I did not appreciate how lucky I was to have not just one but many close friends to whom I could talk about anything at any time. I missed having people to stay up late with and/or have conversations with while falling asleep.

These two thoughts are cyclically related. First, I realized the problem from part one through a phone conversation with a friend from part two. (Sorry, this is mad cryptic) Essentially, I internalized all of my learning in undergrad because I had good friends to talk to about everything. I also make my best realizations about myself by talking to people who know me well. They don't even have to talk, I can just talk at them, and by talking, all of a sudden, I have a revelation about whatever situation I'm talking about.

The moral of the story: In a previous blog (http://urbananarama.blogspot.com/2007/09/on-love.html) I talked about how love (as in a relationship) makes a person real. I think this extends to friends. Being known and loved by someone, and being able to confide in someone -- the fact that that relationship exists somehow substantiates your existence. Just a conversation with a good friend (even if they're hundreds of miles away) is like looking in a mirror after you haven't seen your reflection in a long time. If you're forgetting yourself or are confused about who or what you are, a friend can remind you without saying anything. Your muddled thoughts bounce off their presence on the other end of a phone line and come back crystal clear. This is a fascinating phenomenon.

On the one hand, I feel like my identity is safely stored in best friends across the country who won't forget who/what I am, even if I'm starting to. That's a reassuring thought. On the other hand, it sucks that those people are all so far away. I know making close friends takes time, but I don't really feel like making new best friends. I have them already. I don't need any more.

Unlike conversations, writing this hasn't clarified much. I guess I want to say thanks to all of you close friends who are far away. I truly appreciate you despite the distance between us and I hope you are all well. Now everyone move to Philadelphia. Just kidding...kind of. Maybe someday we can all live on the same block and be crazy old people together. In the meantime, hearts to you all, and I wish you luck with whatever adventures you're pursuing.

Economic risk assessment

2007-10-24T18:40:00.000-04:00

I was just about to post about how lost and alone I felt in the world. And then I opened up my email and someone just dropped me a note to say hi. And now I feel...a little less lost I suppose.

I'm a bit down about school at the moment. Not because I'm performing badly or anything - but because...my school is less revolutionary than I would have hoped. I'm in a class that's about the history of planning, (which I probably shouldn't be taking, because I've already learned most of it in classes at Calvin.) But, when I learned about it at Calvin I learned about the specific ways that institutionalized racism influenced the current state of cities. Race divisions, in my opinion, are among the biggest problems facing planners today. At Penn we haven't even talked about race. My professor described redlining as "economic risk-assessment". (Back in the day banks decided to whom to give mortgages according to maps denoting neighborhoods with different color outlines. Red lines meant don't loan to those neighborhoods, so those people ended up stuck in the cities without loans to upgrade homes, while other people were given loans and moved out of cities.) Redlining, yes in a way, was economic risk assessment, but it was entirely based on race! Black people didn't get loans, white people did. That was redlining. You can find the maps online. It was all about race. Those practices live on today. That is why cities are so segregated. This is HUGELY IMPORTANT!

This class just talks about all these grand plans throughout history without even a concession to their negative externalities - who was displaced? who benefitted and who was hurt? what happened to the poor people and their neighborhoods? When Baron von Haussman bulldozed boulevards through Paris, millions of poor people's homes and neighborhoods were destroyed. A real history of planning class would explore that. I was not expecting to come to one of the best planning schools in the country to listen to regressive, pro-planning cheer leading bullshit. In order to be planners we need to know the whole picture of planning in the past. We need to acknowledge the histories of cities both good and bad - both the prettiness of Paris, and the segregation and grittiness of Detroit.

Anyway...sorry for the brief rant. So...I've gotta pick classes for next semester. I feel like being at school has just confused whatever my previous planning goals were. I'm pretty sure I want to keep concentrating in Urban Design, but should I pursue transportation as a supplement? or should I take a little bit of everything? I don't know. What do I want my career to be? What will be my "great work"? I don't remember. My head is too muddled with planning theory and bullshit planning history. Ugh.

So this weekend should be fun. A Halloween party is happening. I don't have a costume yet and I have a ton of work to do. I'm tempted to recluse this weekend but I know I'll end up going out.

Despite slight sadness and frustration, I'm doing alright. It's good to know someone is thinking of me :) I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving like crazy, although I'm trying to enjoy the present. I keep telling myself there's no point in not enjoying where I'm at right now. In the past I've spent too much time looking to the future. If I always look to the future I'll never live because I'm never enjoying the now.

Sorry for the inarticulateness. I'm in the library. I have much left to do tonight. It's rainy here. Werner Herzog gave a talk today that I didn't get to go to cuz the auditorium was too packed :( Richard Serra is speaking tomorrow. I'm going to get there an hour early.

If you've made it this far, I definitely love you for reading this.

<3
Kristin

October status of things

2007-10-19T12:06:00.000-04:00

Hi friends,

Another day in Philadelphia. I'm feeling good, although my good mood might be a byproduct of my first cup of coffee. Yesterday I was completely useless - I stayed home cuz my one class was cancelled. I cleaned my room and watched tv. And then took a nap. And then woke up and went bowling at 9:30 p.m. I didn't get dressed til about 9. I didn't leave the house til then. It was lazy but kind of wonderful. I feel like I needed it.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe a hundred wonderful things at once. I saw the Darjeeling Limited two nights ago. Can I just say that Wes Anderson has revolutionized the direction of film? I love the depth of his characters and how his plots aren't formulaic. You don't know what to expect or what to feel. It's so open to interpretation and you're able to relate to the characters as you see fit. I love his attention to detail with all of the sets and props. The cinematography is beautiful, the art direction inspiring. He really creates the world that his characters are portraying. And then I love how the film sits with you. It's just sunken in the bottom of my mind, and then my thoughts drift back to another aspect of it which really affected me. Man. It's a good one. You should see it.

Homecoming is tomorrow. The campus is all set up with tents and booths. The planners are planning a tailgating party. It should be fun. I don't know what I'm going to bring yet.

Today I'm working at the grad center. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up with everything that I need to. I just bought my gym membership so I'll probably head over there sometime today. It's a pretty fancy gym. I'm likin' it.

I don't know if I have any unique or inspirational insights for you today. A few things are on my mind. First, I found a church that I really like - the one that I took my parents to last week. It's Presbyterian, which is a new denomination for me. Little did I know that my dad grew up in a Presbyterian church. The music is awesome. They have a men's choir and a women's choir. Last week a soprano sang this beautiful aria -type hymn. The pastors are great. They bring a pretty deep intellectual approach but at the same time they keep the heart in the message. They also have a group for college and post-college aged people, so hopefully I'll be able to get involved with that. This is the first time I've ever really looked forward to Sunday and getting to know people at church. It's sweet.

At the moment it's muggy here and threatening rain. What kind of crazy October is this?

Free time?

2007-10-17T14:41:00.000-04:00

Friends,

This week is not so busy, which is such a blessing. I've got all this time and I don't know what to do with it.

My parents' visit was quite nice. We ate good food and walked all over the city. I showed them my campus then took them to Reading Terminal for lunch. (It's an underground market thing that is crazy and crowded and quintessentially Philly. Words can't do it justice so you'll just have to come see me if you want to see it.) Then we went on the Duck tour - which is a tour around the city on one of those army conversion vehicles that is a bus but then it turns into a boat. It was super fun and silly. Then we went to a movie- Elizabeth: The Golden Age. It was ok, shot really beautifully and acted well, although as always, I kinda hated some of the typical gender role stuff. Then we went to dinner and to bed. On Sunday I took them to my church (which I've only been to a few times, but is quite cool) and they really liked it too. Then we walked up to the Art Museum (and ran up the Rocky steps) and ate brunch at the Art Museum's restaurant. It was a lovely weekend all-in-all and I think they were sad to go.

After they left, Sunday wasn't as hurried and bad as I thought it'd be. I finished everything I needed to. On Monday I found out that I don't have a lab assignment due next week. Hurrah! Then in GIS class the professor actually walked us through how to do the operations we need to know for the assignment instead of lecturing us through them abstractly. Now I feel like a I have a handle on that assignment so I won't have to stumble through it this week. In my design class I had an epiphany. I really enjoy design but often I don't take the time to put in the extra work, and I'm just trying to get the assignment done. Last night I added extra details and really allowed myself to take some artistic license. I think it was/is going to be worth it. But again, no assignment due for next week in that class, which is awesome. My only class tomorrow is cancelled.

So, I have from now through the weekend to get some readings done, catch-up on a few things, and...get a head start on others? Put in extra time somewhere? Have fun? Go out for coffee? The possibilities are endless...

Taking Pleasure in work

2007-10-12T18:41:00.001-04:00

Dearest friends,

I'm in the computer lab at Meyerson right now, rather than out on Meyerson's patio for Happy Hour. I'm in some pleasureable zone where I'm enjoying all these different design programs. My new favorite is Sketch-up, seen here ---->
You can design cities and buildings all to scale relatively easily. I only know the basics so far but we're going to learn the in-depth stuff to do building features and whatnot next week.

Last week we used Illustrator to redesign a block to include townhouses, trees, parking spaces, and a park. Again, this design is pretty primitive but you get the idea.

In my Planning Theory class we used Illustrator to do more conceptual maps of cities around the world. Each person copied images from Google Earth and pasted them together as the base map in Photoshop. Then we put that map into Illustrator and drew the land uses on top of it. It was pretty time-consuming but also pretty cool. All of the maps used the same color scheme so they're easy to compare and have aesthetic unity. The map primarily shows land uses - urbanized area, water, agriculture and mining, natural land. The red lines are the primary highways.

Anyway, I have more to finish in Sketch-up and on GIS maps tonight. My parents are getting here around 9, so I hope to be done and home by then...probably not going to happen. Which means I'll be swamped on Sunday. But it's ok. It should be a really fun weekend no matter what.

I just wanted to share some of what I'm making with you. It's cool to me, sorry if it's not cool to you. I love you if you're reading this.

Kristin

It's a hideous day and I couldn't be happier

2007-10-11T15:46:00.001-04:00

Dearest friends,
It is done. The week of madness has come to an end.

I've learned a few lessons this week, but it seems they were simmering under the surface while my cognitive mind was too busy to synthesize them. First of all, I am capable of working ahead, and I must work ahead even more now than ever before. Second, working on a project with plenty of time can be a pleasureable experience. I can actually enjoy what I'm learning rather than feeling stressed and hurried. Internalizing my work should be my goal, not just completing the assignment as quickly as possible. Third, and this is much to my chagrin, I don't have the time to be a perfectionist. There's seriously too much to be done to do things as perfectly as I'd like to. I'm not used to this. Perhaps my desire for perfection will force me to work more efficiently so I can churn out the best possible products in an allotted time. Fourth, this week feels like a rite of passage. I've gone through the fire, and regardless of the outcomes, I have succeeded at least a little.

Fifth, it is cold and cloudy today and I love it. LOVE IT. Why is this? Just finishing the test didn't cause my happiness. I was content after the test, and then I went to the computer lab and worked on a few things. But I was not ecstatic til on my bike ride home my nose got cold and my fingers got clammy on the handle bars. I was flooded with joy. But why? I think I finally feel settled. All summer long I was partially here and partially at home. I kept relating the warmth and the summer to what I was missing. I think I subconsiously knew summer was ephemeral and that was hanging over me, like uncertainty and change were just around the corner and they were going to take me by surprise. The advent of the cold feels like I'm settled. I'm here. I belong here. Friendships are getting a bit more settled. Patterns are becoming established.

Mmm...yes, that's an important realization of the day. I'm forming habits. I'm learning how to organize time, learning when to socialize with friends, alloting time for relaxation. Habits feel good. Habits make me feel permanent rather than transient. My perceptions of self, time, space, friends, work and their interrelations are all changing. College for me was forming complex relationships with friends and learning about myself in the process. I internalized my school learning through informal conversations with my friends. Grad school for me is forming complex relationships with different kinds of work and in the process adapting myself to the material and the time constraints. I'm learning my limits and challenging my capacities. It feels very individualistic. I don't know how I feel about that.

Wow. Writing certainly helps one to sort thoughts, no? I hope this is somewhat sensical as my brain is kinda fried. In any case, for your prayers, thoughts, and pump-up songs this week, I thank and love you all.

-Kristin

Smiles, hearts and stars

2007-10-06T14:15:00.000-04:00

A few things:

1. Thanks to those of you who've given me song suggestions. They've been great! Keep 'em coming if you'd like. I'll post a completed playlist once I get a chance to put it all together.

2. Brian informed me that my blog's settings didn't allow people who weren't on Blogger to post comments. I think I fixed this. Please let me know if it is/ isn't fixed.

3. Smiles, hearts and stars...
For whatever reason I'm in good spirits. I've been working pretty hard this week, I still have a lot to do, but I'm feeling accomplished. I feel like I can do it. It's all good.

I kind of took a break from the library yesterday. I went running and made cookies for a potluck dinner that we had last night. It was at Clint's parents' house (which is absolutely gorgeous.) People brought great food and I had some great conversations. The cookies went over well: they compelled Stacy to nearly propose. (Stacy is a boy by the way.) I used my mom's monster cookie recipe but I veganized it and made some other top-secret changes. If I make some more I'll mail them around the country for you all to try. Stacy's friend Dylan was in town from Luxembourg (although he's actually British), and he was a riot. David's girlfriend, Alicia? was also in town from law school at UVA. She was really cool too. I think it was the kind of break we all needed - low-key with real food and real friends.

After the dinner some of us went to Doobie's bar around the corner. I had some more really lovely conversations there. It's always good to speak passionately about something and have someone else understand you perfectly. After the bar I guided Stacy and Dylan to Bob and Barbara's (bar) before heading home to crash.

I suppose I could've stayed in last night and tried to get more work done, but I think part of any education is getting to know your peers. Talking about planning-type issues in a more theoretical context is so much more meaningful than exchanging frustrated anecdotes about how much homework we have. I hope there will be more nights like tomorrow night and that I don't let myself get entirely consumed by schoolwork.

Apparently we have a lot of work in this program. Alicia was saying that it sounds like way more work than her law program (and UVA is one of the top law programs in the country). Genevieve, who's roommate in med school, says our workload is at least comparable. I suppose the challenging thing about our program is that it's not just reading and absorbing information. We actually have to produce things: maps, papers, stats labs. And we have to think in a lot of different ways - reading, writing, concepts, numbers, graphics. I guess I like hearing that our program is hard. It makes me feel like I'm doing something legitimate. Perhaps cuz my sister and dad are both doctors I have an inferiority complex about the prestigiousness/intellect required for whatever career I chose. So yeah, it's good to think I'm doing something equally as hard.

Anyway, back to the swamp. Wish me luck. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. And if you're reading this I love you.

Wanted: Ultimate pump-up playlist

2007-10-02T22:49:00.000-04:00

Hi friends,

So from now til next Thursday (as in October 11) will probably be the most work-laden 1.5 weeks of my 17-year school career. Wish me luck. In order for me to survive I'll actually need some help from you all. As some of you have noticed, my current myspace song, "Go For It" by Hot Sundae (from Saved By the Bell), is the best song ever. It has the amazing power to psyche me up and make me laugh all at the same time. I need to compile a playlist of songs in this vein. It's the only way that me or any one else in my program will survive. I've received some good suggestions so far:
"Don't feel like dancin'" by the Scissor Sisters
"The Champions" by Queen - I can actually think of some other good Queen suggestions
"A little bit of heart and soul" by T Pau

You get the picture. I'm not looking for "great music" as in talent, or insightful lyrics, or complex chord progressions, etc. (If it happens to be amazing music, like Queen, that's fine). But what I really need is high energy and a little bit of ridiculousness. And, as I've realized that any song that's even the slightest bit sad makes me instantly introspective and detached, we've got to avoid those. Usually I only like the sad songs but I'm realizing they render me entirely useless.

Ok, so that's your assignment. Now back to mine...my pile of assignments that is. If you're reading this I love you.

Treading water

2007-09-28T13:23:00.000-04:00

For those of you who've been to college, perhaps you remember the week or two before finals. Every thing is piling up, you have two research papers to write, two final projects for studio classes, one lab project and four exams to study for. Looking over the pile it's easy to become hopeless, it's easy to despair. Yet you have hope. You know you can and will finish it all, because you've succeeded every other semester. You might think to yourself "in two weeks I will be home for Christmas/Summer vacation and I can relax and this will all be behind me."

Now take that pile, add daily readings that you must keep up with, and make all of those aforementioned projects due every two weeks. This is grad school. Not only is the workload bigger, but the stakes are much higher. I'm not learning for a grade anymore, I'm learning for my career. The history and theory of planning, the concentric zone model, Adobe Illustrator, GIS - these are things I will have to know for my life. If I want to fix cities I can't just learn this stuff for a test. I have to internalize it and figure out what kind of planner I want to be. That's intense.

At the moment I'm trying to find my best course of action. Historically, I'm a big fan of the put-everything-off-to -the-last-minute model and finishing everything in marathon-like chunks of time. Obviously this will not work here. I've been figuring out where I work best, and how much studying I can do in a day before ceasing to be productive. My current strategy is that when I'm too brain-dead to actually think (like for my statistics class) I can keep being productive in front of the TV by doing mindless map work in Illustrator. I'm hoping if I'm always doing something I'll keep up.

I'm trying not to let it stress me out or get me down. School is school. Just two years right? In the meantime I'm dreaming of the amazing career I'll pursue when I get out of here. I'm also trying to take advantage of the other academic non-school things going on around here. I went to a lecture about the book "The Omnivore's Dilemma" on Wednesday which was really interesting. Perhaps I'll post about that later.

At the moment back to work. I'm still in my pajamas, doing laundry as I work on analyzing Census Tract 151 in Philadelphia. I'm sure you're fascinated and want to know more about my project. Wish me luck, stamina and productivity. I love you all.

On love

2007-09-24T13:04:00.000-04:00

Here's what I'm thinking:
We all just want to be loved. We're all just floating around in this crazy world pursuing whatever goals and dreams we have. And all any of us really wants is to know someone else, just one other person, gets it. Gets our existence. They don't necessarily have to agree with everything we think. They do have to appreciate it. Once they do, well, then we're not just floating around anymore. Then we're real, because someone realizes (as in makes real) us by realizing (as in understanding) what we're made of, what we stand for, what crazy complexities comprise our personalities.

That's what love is I think. "I get you. I think you're worth something. I may not be just like you, but I like how you think, I like what you do, I admire it, and I'll do everything I can to support it and to support your pursuit of it."

And that's the point of love. Most of us need partners. I mean, I feel entirely complete on my own. It's not an issue of completeness. It's an issue of partnership. Life is tough sometimes. Pursuing our crazy pursuits is tough. We need teammates to help us do it. I don't think that's weakness. I think that's an inherent necessity. If not in a romantic relationship, at least in some sort of relationship with another person.

I'm convinced that practically any two people can make it work. There are definitely some factors which will make it better or worse. Some essentials are shared views on what the world is like: are people good or bad? are social issues important? which is more important to you: money or saving the world? Obviously religious views are huge. But again, two people don't have to have a lot in common to have quite successful relationships. On the other hand, two very similar people can have a really hard time of it. I don't know any common factor to the successful relationship formula besides plain old commitment.

My realization at the moment is this: I don't want to just "make it work." I don't want to just commit. I know I'm capable of it, I've done it plenty. I want more than that. I want something extraordinary. I've made it work enough. I'm definitely seeing differences in how easy or difficult or successful or unsuccessful it can be. The problem is this: Relationships are so much investment. It hurts to put so much into something. I'm tired of investing. This isn't to say there have not been valuable returns in the form of lessons learned, for example. I'm just tired of the guess-and-check method. I want to know how to know if something is worth it before I throw my whole heart and head and life in. Is that too much to ask?

The summary: I need a partner (if not right now, in the long run) I want something better than just workable. Unfortunately, I'm tired of investing myself. So, I dunno what that leaves me with. Just let things roll how they may and see what happens?

Saturday Routine

2007-09-22T14:15:00.000-04:00

I don't know what I want to write about today. Nothing that's going on is culminating in any sort of overarching theme. I'm feeling about a million different things at once, I'm confused about pretty much every relationship I'm in, and I don't know what to make of school. When I was mulling this all over this morning, (as I do typically like to mull in the mornings) I thought I've never felt like this before. Then I read my journal from last fall around this time and realized I am always like this. The more things change the more they stay the same.

First: relationships. Friendships are particularly new for me at the moment. I realized I'm much better at making guy friends than girl friends a long time ago. Usually that's cool, but now I'm afraid to make guy friends cuz it seems like it'd be going for something more than friends? I dunno. So girl friends, I actually want some of those, but it seems like cultivating a meaningful friendship with a girl takes a lot of time. Moreso, I think I believe in soul mates more for relationships with girls than guys. My closest girl friends - Natalie, Carrie, Erica, - we hit it off and I knew there was potential there from the get go. There are a lot of cool girls in this program, so I guess I just hope I hit it off with some of them. Currently, I've got a group I hang out with, but I'm tired of the party scene and definitely want something less superficial. Again, it's only September, we'll see how it all works out.

Relationships - Relationships past. Distance, time, past, present. What's worth investing in? Who's worth keeping in touch with? Conversations are investments. To have one, I must really open myself up and let someone in. Often I'm left emotionally drained. Talking is so taxing. There are some channels I wonder if I want to leave open? On the other hand, relationships present. Opening myself up for the first time, letting someone get to know me. The extra effort that it takes to transcend space inherently says something about the relationship. Am I worth that investment? Am I ready for something that connotes serious interest?

Relationships - family. Why do I miss my family? This feels new to me or newish. I've definitely never missed my parents before. This summer was the first time my mom and I really got to know each other. We had some great conversations and I've learned to appreciate her wisdom in areas I never recognized previously. Now I feel some nostalgia to know who she and her sisters were when they were my age. As my grandma gets older I have a desire to know her and the Wieand girl legacy or something. I miss Julie a lot too. She's probably one of my closest friends. Sisters are sweet, and I really wish I lived closer to her. I miss Rick, maybe I'm used to that by now, but even so, I miss knowing what's going on with him.

School - Am I ever content with school? While I sometimes and usually love to learn, I suck at sitting down and cranking out school work. I am easily distracted (which this blog confirms) by my own swirling self-reflections. What's up with that? I need to turn off that part of my brain sometimes. Anyway, now that I've made this huge investment in this school (not only monetarily but emotionally, relationally, etc.) I'm second-guessing it. I know that's stupid. I do want to do this. But watching Top Chef makes me want to quit everything, go to pastry school, and open a cafe-bakery that's open all night. I currently make desserts for everyone's b'day and I love it. It's therapeutic and so satisfying, b/c what's better than having someone make something delicious for you? I know this is stupid. I know whatever I do I will second guess it and consider/wish I was doing something else. I do want my life's work to be more than dessert. I am enjoying planning and I do have grand dreams for fixing the fabric of our cities. I'm just lazy. And, I have a fear complex when approaching new school work. I'm all afraid I don't/won't know what I'm doing so I don't even want to start an assignment. I'm psyching myself out. I've got to get over that fast.

So that's all. I'm here listening to John Lennon's "Walls and Bridges" album. I'm trying to decide if I should go elsewhere to study. I'm still mulling. I've got a lot to do. I have to figure out how to actually make myself get stuff done. I love you if you're reading this.

Falling

2007-09-15T15:03:00.001-04:00

Studying at a café. Today is the first chilly day so far. The air is noticeably crisp, my blue hooded sweatshirt is comfortable, and my flip-flopped toes are cold. I’m trying to figure out why fall’s advent invariably makes me sad. And lonely. Lonely is the best description of it. Everyone else loves it. It scares me to death. Natalie talks about a "sense of impending doom" that she gets from time to time. The first bite of a fall breeze invariably floods me with that feeling.

I'll try to deconstruct my feelings by looking to my past. I think back to high school when fall meant marching band, football games, Tom. All of those things were anxiety-ridden to say the least. Before that I remember starting middle school and not knowing who my friends would be that year or how my classes would be, being scared in sports and scared of teachers. After that, college meant coming back to the stress of the art program and friends and Vijay. Over the summer Grand Rapids looked so comfortable and home-like on the horizon. But upon arrival, I was always thrown off by even the smallest changes in dynamics between me and my friends' relationships, how much time we spent together, where we hung out.

Maybe that's what it boils down to. Fall is change for me. In my cognitive calender Fall feels like the real beginning of the new year. Fall is the transition into whatever I'm beginning. I should become Jewish so I can celebrate Rosh Hashanah. (I wonder if when I’m finally done with school, fall will mean something different?)

I think I'm pretty sensitive to my environment in general - any changes in light, color, temperature, breeze. I notice these things can literally take me from a soaringly good mood to a sad one instantly. Fall varies pretty extremely from Indian summers in September to shivering stick trees and snow storms in November. It also has to do with directionality. I love spring because it's taking me out of winter and into summer. It's a change in a good direction. Fall is taking me away from summer (which I think is my best season) and into winter, which is easily my worst. (What's my problem? Who has seasons? I'm ridiculous.)

Additionally, I want to be in love in fall. It’s chilly and I want to hold hands with someone. I want to huddle under a blanket at a football game or share a steamy cup of coffee in the park. Cities are the most romantic places to me and I want to be in love in this one. And well...the current laws governing speed, time and distance make that a bit impossible at the moment. (Missing people is so pointless. The only benefit is it confirms/reiterates how much you care for someone. But after that it just hurts. The best thing is to not think of it.)

I also miss my family like I never have before. Well, no. I always miss Chicago because it always feels like home. But that feeling is rather intense at the moment. I really can’t wait to see my sister and my grandma and my aunts and cousins. Thanksgiving is an exciting thing on the horizon. I just have to get through all the school between now and then.

In any case I’m ok. I’m consistently running again which feels good. I am enjoying my classes and my friends. I feel a lot of things. But I feel good. I’m excited about life. Excited enough. A bit worried about money. A bit worried about finding a church. But things are ok and I’m ok and I’m going to be ok.

Circuses

2007-08-19T10:53:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was our third walking tour of Philadelphia. I was with the TA's this time, which I might've preferred as it seems our tour covered more interesting things in more depth. I now know a slew of fun facts about practically every part of Philly proper so...y'all gotsta come see me. My favorite part was definitely the Wanamaker building (currently Macy's). The building was designed by Daniel Burnham (the guy who planned all of Chicago). The pipe organ is the biggest in the world. The coolest thing is that the building was designed to be Wanamaker's department store. It kind of shows how important downtown, department stores were for cities at the time. It's cool that a private company would put so much funding into creating a beautiful space primarily for public use. The picture obviously doesn't do it justice. I guess during Christmas they still deck out the whole thing and it's a center of activity.

The day concluded at Reading Terminal, which is also amazing. It's an indoor market with tons of booths where you can find almost any kind of food or delicious treat. I bought all my produce there because it's really cheap inexpensive. Some people went to play mini-golf afterward but Christy and I went home b/c Duncan, a guy around the corner, was having a yard sale. It was not just any yard sale. To create ambiance for example, a circus record was playing in the background the entire time. Duncan has rented an Airstream trailer to travel cross country and is selling all of his stuff. A self-admitted pack rat, he had the craziest and most random crap I've ever seen.

Things weren't priced individually; instead you had to make a pile of stuff and make an offer, and he'd accept based on "how many beers I've had, and how many beers you've had." (Beer, Mike's hard lemonade, and Wood Chuck pear cider were provided.) Lots of items were "free with purchase", as in, if you take something you like, you've gotta take something you don't like. Christy and I wanted "Therapy" so we had to take "Careers for girls", and "The Bionic Woman" and "The Six Million Dollar Man" have to go together because they're married. We also made off with a toaster, a really nice floor lamp, kitchen knives, a box of linens with a CD player and speakers in it, mixing bowls...perhaps more, I forget, all for $20. Now our kitchen is officially on its way to being decked out.

Duncan and his friends may have started a theme for the day. I definitely ended up at a gay bar last night which was really really fun because it was just as I had always pictured: Whitney Houston / Britney Spears remixes, pretty boys dancing, disco ball, etc. It was rather fantastic. Unexpected point of interest: a lot of gay guys go into urban planning. At Duncan's place, two of his friends were planners. One of the guys we were out with last night, who no one thought was gay, ended up going home with someone from the club, or so we think. The single girls in the program are lamenting that the list of available straight guys is slowly losing members to the list of straight taken guys and newly discovered gay guys. Alas. At the risk of sounding totally naive, people going home together at the end of the night with people they just met, and people from the program hooking up randomly is all unsettling to me. I know it happens all the time, but I don't have to think it's healthy. My generation does not have clear social norms to guide people's dating practices. It seems like none of us know how to properly relate to people we're interested in and I've seen too many friends get emotionally effed up because of it. This frustrates me.

As fun as the day was...I'm kind of getting sick of the party scene. I'm looking forward to getting settled in and having friends that I can have normal conversations with, rather than only making small talk at bars and then loud drunk talk after bars at the end of the night. I'm wondering if this group of people is just like this, or if grad school is just like this, or if the real world is just like this? Natalie always told me that my friends at Calvin had intellectual orgies. Perhaps that was true and I took it for granted. I don't really miss the pretentiousness of those conversations, but I do miss talking about something real. I'm sure things will get settled in soon and once classes start this may all be a different story. I mean, we're all in city planning for a reason - and it's definitely not money. I'm sure we're standing on some common ideological ground. And as I hear this program's about to kick my ass, I'm thinking there won't be much time left for partying at the end of the day... well at the end of every day at least.

Lesson # 2: the Fisher Library is Phat and Philly is Phit

2007-08-13T19:37:00.000-04:00

The Fisher Fine Arts Library is officially my favorite building in the world. I studied up there today and twas great. I felt fancy. Don't know if you can tell from the picture, but the graduate carrels are perched in a narrow cat-walk type space above the main library. I read Jane Jacobs, Allen Jacobs (Great Streets) and Kevin Lynch (Design of cities?). I feel officially on my way to being a planner.

I also biked a lot today. There's a path that runs next to the river which is quite scenic. It goes about 20 miles up to Valley Forge National Park, but I only went about 7, up to Falls Bridge. I did my sketches for class along the way. There are quite a few parks and benches and picnic tables and various other interesting places to stop throughout the ride. It reminded me of biking through Minneapolis with Carrie. It seems like a very effective way to allow city-dwellers to get a breath of fresh air and feel like they're "out of the city" without having to travel too far. So whoever designed it: kudos to you.

Realization of the day: I haven't been in/on any form of motorized transport in five days, which is probably the longest span of time in my life. This blows my mind. Now that I don't have a car, walking and biking and maybe busing or subwaying (not a word, I know) are my only options for getting around. I'm used to it already. Biking is pretty fun. It's a very efficient form of transportation. It's about twice as fast as walking, and for a commute it ranges from 2/3's as fast to just as fast or faster than taking a bus or car depending on traffic/rush hour, etc. Additionally, and this is my favorite part, if you commute by bike (or by foot/rollerblade/etc.) you are incorporating exercise into the fabric of your life. It's not this chore that you have to set aside additional time for. It's how you get around. I think that is the core of why Americans are so much fatter than everyone else. Besides city dwellers, most of us drive EVERYWHERE. Then we rush off to the gym for an hour to get in our cardio. This might sound like madness, but, what if rather than walking on a treadmill or biking on a bike machine, we were doing the same things in real life in order to get somewhere?

I know I wanted to concentrate on transportation in grad school, and I think I still do (although urban design is edging in.) But this crazy idea of biking is bringing new things to my attention. Mass transit (train transit especially) is excellent for bringing people to and from the city. But for getting around the city, mass transit must be treated differently. Most people don't like using buses because they're stuck in the same traffic they'd be stuck in in a car. Trolleys and subways are cool, especially for big cities, but for the average commute within the city, those require quite a bit of infrastructure to move people relatively short distances. I'm thinking bike traffic needs to be better incorporated into plans for city transit.

So, thoughts for the day: bikes are sweet, bike paths that go on for 20 miles are sweet, non-motorized commuting is sweet, the Fine Arts Library is VERY sweet. The only not sweet thing: it's fun to explore all of these things on my own, but...part of the fun of finding sweet things is sharing them. So...if you're reading this you should come visit me so I can impress you with all of the sweetness in my new city.

Lesson #1: Philly is phashionable

2007-08-12T20:49:00.001-04:00

I've decided to make a blog about my new life in a new city. I know, it's really original. But, every day is filled with such wonderful new things that I feel I should keep track of them all. (In keeping with the groundbreaking originality of this blog, I'll probably choose some cliche theme or lesson of the day.) And, I am now for the first time living the farthest I ever have from the people I love. I've never been good at keeping in touch, maybe because I never felt the distance was that great, but now I'd really like to. I don't want to be that person who calls all of her friends every day, and I hate the phone anyway, but I do want you all to know about my life. And I do want to know about all of yours. Obviously I realize how egocentric it is to assume that you're all pining to know every detail of my day...so I guess this is really just for Mom and Dad. But anyway, I love you all and I hope you care to check up on me once in a while.

Lesson for today: Philly is phashionable (I know, clever right?)

I find it really hard to not dress up every day that I live in Philadelphia, because everyone around me is dressed up. I don't mean office clothes or night-on-the-town clothes. I mean people are put together. No one crawls out of bed in hoodies and jeans (well it's too hot for that I suppose) or college t-shirts and shorts around here. People look good. They have style. And that's inspiring. Whether or not I want to replicate everything I see, I definitely appreciate how every person on the street spent some time getting fancy before they went out the door. Not only have I gone shopping (not too much) but in bursts of creativity I've altered a bunch of my clothes and come out with some good results.

So I'm on some clothing missions here in Philadelphia. 1. I need some cute sneakers. 2. I need skirts, flowy dresses, and a tube top in order to survive this mad humidity which is a Philly summer, and all of which can transition into fall or winter wear. The problem with shopping missions however is once you have an idea of what you want it's so hard to find it. I'm looking for a Puma-like sneaker - pretty light, sole not too thick, tongue not prominent, $40 or less, kind of Euro...it slips into inexpressible criteria at that point. I've searched high and low and found some things which would be suitable, but I haven't found THE shoe. It's like I'm searching for my soul mate. Perhaps I shall go to the Puma store, pick a style I like, and then see if I can find it on Ebay?

I don't mean to be shallow and waste time talking about clothes. Clothes aren't really what I learned about today - they reflect what I learned. First, cities have energy. People who don't know each other are walking and biking and driving around each other, and even if they don't talk, their visual exchanges of existence have an effect on one another. They are atoms bouncing off each other, exchanging energy, and continuing on altered paths - and it's all subconscious. With personal style people are exchanging ideas subconsciously, promoting certain brands/stores and not others, even displaying subcultures and beliefs. Then, regardless of the individual's style, the fact that everyone has style creates a social norm which holds everyone to a higher fashion standard. That's pretty neat.

The second thing I learned is more about me. I'm in some weird but pleasant state of simultaneous connection and disconnection. A lot of my heart is rooted to true home (Detroit) (and that keeps me from feeling total anomie,) while new parts of me are connecting to my new city, my new classmates, my new apartment, my new home. At the same time I have all this independence - no one to answer to or tell where I'm going. I love times like these because I feel like I have a clean canvas on which to rediscover/invent? what it means to be me. And me, well, I guess I'm a city girl at heart because I feed off the energy of this city. Every city thing I do makes me happy: being surrounded by people I don't know, not needing a car, buying groceries on my bike, getting asked for directions, exploring totally different neighborhoods that are just blocks from one another...I feel like I'm part of something real. Even though it's a big place and I'm somewhat anonymous in it, I feel like I'm now part of this city's life. It's affecting me (for example, my clothes) and I'm leaving subtle imprints on it. This is fascinating and refreshing and exiting.

Part of my personality I suppose is to express my creativity through dress. This past summer I found myself caring about my clothes mostly because I wanted to look nice for somebody. There's definitely nothing wrong with that. (I'm still doing things so I'll look nice for that somebody the next time I see them.) But now, in the absence of that motivation, I find myself dressing as an expression of myself. It's good to remember who I am. It's good to feel inspired. It's good to think that maybe my fashion is a small part contribution to the invisible, unspoken life of the city. It's good to think that I'm an atom in this mix.

Please don't be July yet

2007-06-23T12:02:00.001-04:00

This summer, like all beautiful things is going by too fast. I don't like that. I'm tired of endings. Perhaps it's true that in order to be an ending, there must also be a new beginning. I like those. But endings carry so much baggage. When the end is looming in sight, you have to try harder to enjoy what you've got before it's over. And that trying ruins the authenticity of what was good to begin with. I don't know if it's better to acknowledge the end or just try not to think about it. As far as college endings went, I was very conscious of it and that ending was pretty suck. So, maybe this time I'll try to put August 6 as far from my mind as possible and live as if summer was going to last forever.

Hating blogs but bored at work

2007-06-21T13:33:00.001-04:00

I don't know what I have to say. I do like this font though. Mm. Yes, very nice. I work at an office and they don't really have any work for me right now. I forgot to bring my book today, so alas, blogging is my only option for appearing to look busy.

Status of things: warmish outside, sunny now but was rainy during lunch, office is frigid.
Status of me: My fingers are cold. My heart is...feeling multiple conflicting and unrelated emotions.

Big events of the day: Someone called me at friggin 5 in the morning, drunk. I guess I wasn't supposed to wake up because he wanted to leave me a message. So he called again and I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. Upon waking up I read his text message before calling my mailbox to listen to the phone message. Both pissed me the hell off. "I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone, I love you - it feels so good to say it, I want to go on a date with you when you come into town, blah blah." He was afraid I'd be pissed. I am, but I think he was concerned I'd doubt his sincerity and chalk it up to the alcohol. That's not the case. I believe he's sincere. I just don't care. I guess I do care. I think I'm offended that he thinks he can just call me in the middle of the night and expect me to want to hear this shit. I'm over it. Maybe that makes me heartless, I'm not sure.

Big break-ups result in necessary deconstruction. After being in a relationship for so long it takes awhile to gain perspective on what your relationship really was, and what you really want/wanted all along. Now in light of new friendships, perhaps crushes, on the opposite sex, I'm wondering how I ever really felt about him. I read some stupid magazine at lunch, interviewing someone on how many times they'd ever been in love. I tried to count. I'd say two, but they were two different kinds of love. With the first guy it was that crazy head-over-heels first love madness. I was way too young to feel anything that much, and there wasn't much substance to base it all on, but what can I say? It was love. The second guy, on the other hand, was quite different. I don't think I ever felt giddy about him. I liked who he was + I had fun with him + we had good conversations= we were friends. Friendship was the core of why we started dating and also the reason we stopped. I loved him like a best friend. I was committed to him which is definitely part of love, but I wasn't ever crazy about him. He had such high expectations of love and romance, so I always tried to make myself feel those and tried to make our relationship reflect them, but in reality, they were never just there. Looking back, I had been falling out of love with him for quite some time before we finally broke up. I think that's why I'm totally over it now, even though it only officially ended a few months ago.

Until recently I thought I was too old to get giddy sixth grade crushes - butterflies, dreamy-eyes, smiling to myself at just the thought of the other person. Fortunately or unfortunately, I was wrong. I enjoy feeling something so innocent and light but intense. I like feeling real things. I like not having to meet any expectations or plan for a future. Maybe it's immature, but I'm sick of faux-mature relationships. Finishing college I saw too many couples getting engaged because they thought it was the empirically correct thing to do, even though (at least from my perspective) many of them have a lot of growing-up to do and issues to work out before getting married. I'm a kid. I like being a kid. I like playing and enjoying life. No need to tie it down to the ground before it's really started flying. Not to say relationships are inherently bad. I like them. But I think more people need to take them easy and not hinder what could be quite beautiful by weighing it down with obligation and expectation and an arbitrary, self-imposed timeline.

So what's the bottom line? I like love. I like life. I like being in both. I don't like when one hinders the other. Love should never be forced, and before marriage at least, love should never be about obligation and expectation. And...good friendships don't necessarily make good loves.