Please don't be July yet

This summer, like all beautiful things is going by too fast. I don't like that. I'm tired of endings. Perhaps it's true that in order to be an ending, there must also be a new beginning. I like those. But endings carry so much baggage. When the end is looming in sight, you have to try harder to enjoy what you've got before it's over. And that trying ruins the authenticity of what was good to begin with. I don't know if it's better to acknowledge the end or just try not to think about it. As far as college endings went, I was very conscious of it and that ending was pretty suck. So, maybe this time I'll try to put August 6 as far from my mind as possible and live as if summer was going to last forever.

Hating blogs but bored at work

I don't know what I have to say. I do like this font though. Mm. Yes, very nice. I work at an office and they don't really have any work for me right now. I forgot to bring my book today, so alas, blogging is my only option for appearing to look busy.

Status of things: warmish outside, sunny now but was rainy during lunch, office is frigid.
Status of me: My fingers are cold. My heart is...feeling multiple conflicting and unrelated emotions.

Big events of the day: Someone called me at friggin 5 in the morning, drunk. I guess I wasn't supposed to wake up because he wanted to leave me a message. So he called again and I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. Upon waking up I read his text message before calling my mailbox to listen to the phone message. Both pissed me the hell off. "I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone, I love you - it feels so good to say it, I want to go on a date with you when you come into town, blah blah." He was afraid I'd be pissed. I am, but I think he was concerned I'd doubt his sincerity and chalk it up to the alcohol. That's not the case. I believe he's sincere. I just don't care. I guess I do care. I think I'm offended that he thinks he can just call me in the middle of the night and expect me to want to hear this shit. I'm over it. Maybe that makes me heartless, I'm not sure.

Big break-ups result in necessary deconstruction. After being in a relationship for so long it takes awhile to gain perspective on what your relationship really was, and what you really want/wanted all along. Now in light of new friendships, perhaps crushes, on the opposite sex, I'm wondering how I ever really felt about him. I read some stupid magazine at lunch, interviewing someone on how many times they'd ever been in love. I tried to count. I'd say two, but they were two different kinds of love. With the first guy it was that crazy head-over-heels first love madness. I was way too young to feel anything that much, and there wasn't much substance to base it all on, but what can I say? It was love. The second guy, on the other hand, was quite different. I don't think I ever felt giddy about him. I liked who he was + I had fun with him + we had good conversations= we were friends. Friendship was the core of why we started dating and also the reason we stopped. I loved him like a best friend. I was committed to him which is definitely part of love, but I wasn't ever crazy about him. He had such high expectations of love and romance, so I always tried to make myself feel those and tried to make our relationship reflect them, but in reality, they were never just there. Looking back, I had been falling out of love with him for quite some time before we finally broke up. I think that's why I'm totally over it now, even though it only officially ended a few months ago.

Until recently I thought I was too old to get giddy sixth grade crushes - butterflies, dreamy-eyes, smiling to myself at just the thought of the other person. Fortunately or unfortunately, I was wrong. I enjoy feeling something so innocent and light but intense. I like feeling real things. I like not having to meet any expectations or plan for a future. Maybe it's immature, but I'm sick of faux-mature relationships. Finishing college I saw too many couples getting engaged because they thought it was the empirically correct thing to do, even though (at least from my perspective) many of them have a lot of growing-up to do and issues to work out before getting married. I'm a kid. I like being a kid. I like playing and enjoying life. No need to tie it down to the ground before it's really started flying. Not to say relationships are inherently bad. I like them. But I think more people need to take them easy and not hinder what could be quite beautiful by weighing it down with obligation and expectation and an arbitrary, self-imposed timeline.

So what's the bottom line? I like love. I like life. I like being in both. I don't like when one hinders the other. Love should never be forced, and before marriage at least, love should never be about obligation and expectation. And...good friendships don't necessarily make good loves.