Regarding uncertainty

Dearest friends,

It's been a while, especially since I've posted anything of substance
rather than just rants about school. (Sorry about that, it's kind of
consuming). You'll be glad to know the worst is over. I turned in two
twenty-plus page reports yesterday, and I'm feeling appropriately
euphoric. I may have forgone sleep in order to do it, but it is done,
and I am glad. Just a few things left on the list.

Last night I went with a few friends to the bar and let me tell you,
after working for 27 hours straight on projects (literally) one beer
plus the company of a few friends is the best thing in the entire
world. (I still don't like beer but i figured anything else would make
me die.) It was lovely to converse about the semester and life in
general.

I'm nervous/anxious about going home. A week ago I couldn't wait to get there and now I'm afraid. It might be because I've changed a lot this semester -- not as far as my actions, or who I am, but definitely regarding what I believe. As the title implies, this post is about uncertainty. And as most other posts have implied, I'm pretty uncertain these days.

I guess the biggest thing is faith. I'm not really sure what I think about God anymore. I don't mean this to be some big dramatic statement and I really don't want you all to worry. I'm not saying I don't believe in God...I'm just not sure what that means. Or what Christianity means. I'm full of questions that I've never had before -- not about doctrine or the philosophy behind it all, but about how this religion actually plays out in practice.

My first concern is that I'm just not convinced of Christian traditions or cultural practices at the moment. I've been going to church and meeting all the other people at my church that are my age. They're quite nice people, but the majority of them are those really good kids who've never done anything wrong and grew up in Christian homes. That's fine, and I don't mean to discount them as people or as friends. They're not judgmental or condescending. At other times in my life I would really want to be friends with them and feel guilty that I wasn't as good as they are. At this point in life, I'm over that. I've done what I've done and I'm cool with it. I guess the issue is...here we are, a bunch of Christian kids raised in Christian homes...and what have we ever done about it? Who have we ever helped? Who have I ever told about Jesus? I mean, I've had conversations with plenty of people about my faith but I don't know anyone I've actually I dunno, converted? That sounds weird. Anyway, it's like...what's the point? We live by these rules cuz we think they're what God wants us to do, and we practice these traditions... I'm just starting to see it all in an anthropological/sociological light rather than a faith that I believe in and act out.

The second issue is about guilt. I feel like all I ever feel about faith is guilty. I look back at my life and see all the things I've done wrong and how I'm always falling short and how I keep making the same mistakes and how I'm not really progressing at all. I don't think this religion is about failure, but I think I make it about failure. At the end of every day I count up all the ways I was wrong and I apologize to God and hope he forgives me. And then I go and sin in all the same ways the next day. That sucks. Can I ever actually get better? Isn't believing this stuff supposed to make me better? If God wants me to stop doing the wrong things why doesn't he help more? (I can't believe how heretical this sounds, stream-of-consciousness is dangerous, please forgive me)

The third thing is about certainty. I'm getting skeptical about "God's plan" and "God's will." If God has a plan then there's always a right answer. With job/school/love/life choices there's a right answer. I look back at the times when I've said "this is what God wanted" and I want to think I'm right, but simultaneously doublethink says "I'm saying it's God's will cuz I'm trying to justify the way it played out." You can call anything God's will. Accepting the bad things that happen is a lot easier if it's God's will. What if it's not? If there is a right answer then why the hell do I never feel certain? If God so wants me to follow his plan then why doesn't he make it easier to figure it out?

This planning program is revealing more and more that there's no right answer. Planners deal with "wicked problems" as one article calls them - problems so complex that there's no real solution (like poverty for example). You can try to limit the scope on it and zoom in on one aspect, but no matter what you can't fix the whole thing. It's way too complex to understand its scope, let alone implement some way to solve it. You can't even be certain about little things. There will always be winners and losers. You can't see the future so you can't know the long-term effects. You just have to do the best with the info you have.

I almost had a revelation the other day. I realized that no one is certain, or any more certain than I am. You can't be certain. There is no certainty. All you can do is be satisfied with your choices...You can't change it, so why not just be satisfied?

But that's not good enough for me. I want to know! I want there to be a right answer.

I was telling my friend James last night that I think I'm anxious about going home b/c I don't really know what I think about things anymore. His response was "well you just have to decide what you're passionate about and think about that, because nothing else really matters."

I found this to be wise, however I don't know what I'm passionate about. I think it all comes down to not knowing myself anymore. And not knowing myself keeps reinforcing this ridiculous cycle of doubting what I believe, and doubting what I believe just makes me not know myself more.

Ironically/coincidentially/not so coincidentially, Natalie called me last week. And she's doubting all the same things I am. I thought that was funny/relieving/disconcerting. I was expecting to come home over break and tell her all my crazy doubts and she'd tell me how great God was and I'd remember and everything would be ok. Instead she called me with the same doubts and rather than reassuring each other about faith we reaffirmed each other about doubting. Kind of funny no? Yikes...

In a lot of ways words have stopped meaning a lot to me. Sermons don't really inspire me nor do conversations about God. The only time I really feel him anymore is when I'm listening to the music at church. They've got an amazing organ and usually have people from Philadelphia's symphony playing during the service. Last week a brass ensemble played some amazing arrangement of I don't even remember what and I almost cried. Music is revelatory. As is the city - what I see and hear speak to me of something greater. I know it's there. I'll find it again...

(oh my goodness, seriously, my bad about the drama, I don't mean it, just sorting things out, don't worry)

14 Days, 6 Hours, 51 minutes

That's the stuff I have to do.

It doesn't look so bad in list format. Don't be fooled

In this program assignments aren't just "assignments."
In the case of 550 - Planning Theory, my partner and I have to interview both the Philadelphia and Atlanta Planning Commissions, do a literature review on the historic "planning culture" of the city (in both common press and literary journals) and then synthesize it all into a lovely term paper. (Only it's not a term paper, it's just one of three similarly large assignments in combination with two midterms and one final exam.)

In the case of 624 - Quantitative Methods, we have to sift through my professor's ridiculously vague description of an assignment and put into practice what we supposedly learned in the last three labs when we were sifting through similarly obfuscated directions. Sweet!

GIS assignments are similarly open-ended and time consuming.

678 - the graphics class - is easy conceptually - draw shit in various programs, however, it's time consuming. I'll probably come back to that periodically when my brain is too tired to think.

540 - History of Planning - finish damn research paper on "historically important planner" Patrick Geddes, then take exam on non-critical, fluff history of planning. Easy enough since it requires no deeper level analysis of history! My final exam - "Everything planners ever did was good, and even the bad stuff was ok, since they were products of their time." - Excellent, A+. I just spent $7000 in tuition on that class :)

And after finishing all the "deliverables", (a word with which I've become all too familiar this semester) I shall study for exams. Then I shall take exams. And then I shall return home and hibernate for a couple weeks, perhaps re-read Harry Potter books, and/or other highly important, non-planning literature, watch movies, snuggle with Toby, Natalie, and anyone else who'll have me (yay human interaction!), not drink alcohol or eat chocolate (thanks to the ulcer this city planning program so graciously bestowed upon me!) and smile blankly into space until my cognizant mind returns from its retreat.

I can't wait.

Without a fight

Who knew happiness could be so quiet?

I don't consider myself an argumentative person by nature -- maybe some of you would disagree. I've definitely gone through phases where I like to argue, but I suppose I'm out of that now. Even in class I find myself without anything to add to debates about modernism, post modernism, and ethics (some of my favorites!). Maybe I'm not down with the format of asserting myself in an interrupting manner whenever the prof says anything that could be argued with. I'm all about meaningful debate, but I guess I prefer to hear what profs have to say, and decide what I think about it, before interrupting class time to bloviate at length for my own egotistical satisfaction. But I digress.

On the one hand, I find myself without any desire to argue and I wonder if I should be concerned. I don't feel like enforcing my ideas on anyone else. I don't feel like fighting for ideals. I don't feel impassioned about anything in particular. Perhaps this is an offshoot of my previous post. I haven't sorted through all this stuff in depth on my own so I'm not quite sure what I think anymore.

Perhaps more disconcertingly, I don't feel like fighting with other people cuz I'm not sure what I want to fight for. I'm struggling to reconcile myself to a number of disparate beliefs that I once believed concretely. Or rather, I'm currently questioning previously concrete components of my identity (good sentence, no?). I once wanted to be a city planner. I still do. But now I don't know what that really means. I once considered myself a Christian. I still do. But now I don't know what that means, or if I really like what that means. I once wanted to be in love. I still do but...I once wanted to get married, I once wanted to move around the world, I once wanted ... It goes on like this. I fear I don't have much fight in me, not only because I don't know what I want, but I don't know if I know who I am? These things I knew I wanted in a way defined me. Now I don't know how to define myself. That sounds melodramatic. I'm not sure if it's true. Ha.

On the other hand, at least in the context of a relationship, it's so nice to not have to fight. I like being able to enjoy things, and share that enjoyment without having to logically justify my enjoyment. I like having someone else just get it. I like just getting someone else. I like not having to fill every moment of silence with something. Shared silence is quite a lovely something that is all too often ruined with weightless words.

I think one of the most beautiful parts of an amazing Thanksgiving break was reading newspapers on a Starbucks couch, passing favorite articles between us. As I've said before, sometimes I tend to get too caught up in my head. It was amazing to spend time with someone whose presence magically makes all those stupid internal debates disappear. For the entire week, it was like someone hit the mute button inside my head. So as we read the Times and the Tribune, I heard silence and rustling pages, and Starbucks' token world-music-of-the-week album, and the prose of some wonderful Tribune staff writer -- instead of an internal monologue droning on about which of Jameson's four quadrants I fall into.

Now that I'm back to the real world, my self-imposed esoteric dilemmas are back to hashing themselves out in the space between my ears while I vainly try to get work done. But in the same vein as above, it's nice to have someone send me an NPR show they happened to come across which they think I'd like. Those small tokens of affection somehow possess that same peace which reminds me why I'm here and what I'm doing and who I am when I'm not muddling through theory and history and computer programming.

I suppose thoughts of the previous week's loveliness will have to get me through two more weeks of school work. I'm now transcending stress and just enjoying learning (or trying to. I was mad zen-like earlier today! With a deadline tomorrow morning I wonder how long it'll last...) Regardless, Christmas break isn't so far away and I've never looked forward to it more.

If you're reading this, I love you.

<3
K

Absorbing and Reflecting

Two separate but related thoughts:

One - I am learning a lot at school. This is good. I am learning new skills in the forms of new computer programs and data analysis methods. I am also learning new theories of planning which are quite fascinating and are blowing my mind. The problem is that I have so much stuff to do that I don't have time to internalize the theory. I know it and understand it, but I don't have time to think about it and absorb it into my personal theory of what kind of planner I want to be. I came here so certain of what I wanted to do and now I feel confused and overwhelmed and uncertain about all of the options and realities of what planners actually do.

Two - I missed Grand Rapids for the first time a couple days ago. I realized how much I took it for granted. More specifically, I did not appreciate how lucky I was to have not just one but many close friends to whom I could talk about anything at any time. I missed having people to stay up late with and/or have conversations with while falling asleep.

These two thoughts are cyclically related. First, I realized the problem from part one through a phone conversation with a friend from part two. (Sorry, this is mad cryptic) Essentially, I internalized all of my learning in undergrad because I had good friends to talk to about everything. I also make my best realizations about myself by talking to people who know me well. They don't even have to talk, I can just talk at them, and by talking, all of a sudden, I have a revelation about whatever situation I'm talking about.

The moral of the story: In a previous blog (http://urbananarama.blogspot.com/2007/09/on-love.html) I talked about how love (as in a relationship) makes a person real. I think this extends to friends. Being known and loved by someone, and being able to confide in someone -- the fact that that relationship exists somehow substantiates your existence. Just a conversation with a good friend (even if they're hundreds of miles away) is like looking in a mirror after you haven't seen your reflection in a long time. If you're forgetting yourself or are confused about who or what you are, a friend can remind you without saying anything. Your muddled thoughts bounce off their presence on the other end of a phone line and come back crystal clear. This is a fascinating phenomenon.

On the one hand, I feel like my identity is safely stored in best friends across the country who won't forget who/what I am, even if I'm starting to. That's a reassuring thought. On the other hand, it sucks that those people are all so far away. I know making close friends takes time, but I don't really feel like making new best friends. I have them already. I don't need any more.

Unlike conversations, writing this hasn't clarified much. I guess I want to say thanks to all of you close friends who are far away. I truly appreciate you despite the distance between us and I hope you are all well. Now everyone move to Philadelphia. Just kidding...kind of. Maybe someday we can all live on the same block and be crazy old people together. In the meantime, hearts to you all, and I wish you luck with whatever adventures you're pursuing.

Economic risk assessment

I was just about to post about how lost and alone I felt in the world. And then I opened up my email and someone just dropped me a note to say hi. And now I feel...a little less lost I suppose.

I'm a bit down about school at the moment. Not because I'm performing badly or anything - but because...my school is less revolutionary than I would have hoped. I'm in a class that's about the history of planning, (which I probably shouldn't be taking, because I've already learned most of it in classes at Calvin.) But, when I learned about it at Calvin I learned about the specific ways that institutionalized racism influenced the current state of cities. Race divisions, in my opinion, are among the biggest problems facing planners today. At Penn we haven't even talked about race. My professor described redlining as "economic risk-assessment". (Back in the day banks decided to whom to give mortgages according to maps denoting neighborhoods with different color outlines. Red lines meant don't loan to those neighborhoods, so those people ended up stuck in the cities without loans to upgrade homes, while other people were given loans and moved out of cities.) Redlining, yes in a way, was economic risk assessment, but it was entirely based on race! Black people didn't get loans, white people did. That was redlining. You can find the maps online. It was all about race. Those practices live on today. That is why cities are so segregated. This is HUGELY IMPORTANT!

This class just talks about all these grand plans throughout history without even a concession to their negative externalities - who was displaced? who benefitted and who was hurt? what happened to the poor people and their neighborhoods? When Baron von Haussman bulldozed boulevards through Paris, millions of poor people's homes and neighborhoods were destroyed. A real history of planning class would explore that. I was not expecting to come to one of the best planning schools in the country to listen to regressive, pro-planning cheer leading bullshit. In order to be planners we need to know the whole picture of planning in the past. We need to acknowledge the histories of cities both good and bad - both the prettiness of Paris, and the segregation and grittiness of Detroit.

Anyway...sorry for the brief rant. So...I've gotta pick classes for next semester. I feel like being at school has just confused whatever my previous planning goals were. I'm pretty sure I want to keep concentrating in Urban Design, but should I pursue transportation as a supplement? or should I take a little bit of everything? I don't know. What do I want my career to be? What will be my "great work"? I don't remember. My head is too muddled with planning theory and bullshit planning history. Ugh.

So this weekend should be fun. A Halloween party is happening. I don't have a costume yet and I have a ton of work to do. I'm tempted to recluse this weekend but I know I'll end up going out.

Despite slight sadness and frustration, I'm doing alright. It's good to know someone is thinking of me :) I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving like crazy, although I'm trying to enjoy the present. I keep telling myself there's no point in not enjoying where I'm at right now. In the past I've spent too much time looking to the future. If I always look to the future I'll never live because I'm never enjoying the now.

Sorry for the inarticulateness. I'm in the library. I have much left to do tonight. It's rainy here. Werner Herzog gave a talk today that I didn't get to go to cuz the auditorium was too packed :( Richard Serra is speaking tomorrow. I'm going to get there an hour early.

If you've made it this far, I definitely love you for reading this.

<3
Kristin

October status of things

Hi friends,

Another day in Philadelphia. I'm feeling good, although my good mood might be a byproduct of my first cup of coffee. Yesterday I was completely useless - I stayed home cuz my one class was cancelled. I cleaned my room and watched tv. And then took a nap. And then woke up and went bowling at 9:30 p.m. I didn't get dressed til about 9. I didn't leave the house til then. It was lazy but kind of wonderful. I feel like I needed it.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe a hundred wonderful things at once. I saw the Darjeeling Limited two nights ago. Can I just say that Wes Anderson has revolutionized the direction of film? I love the depth of his characters and how his plots aren't formulaic. You don't know what to expect or what to feel. It's so open to interpretation and you're able to relate to the characters as you see fit. I love his attention to detail with all of the sets and props. The cinematography is beautiful, the art direction inspiring. He really creates the world that his characters are portraying. And then I love how the film sits with you. It's just sunken in the bottom of my mind, and then my thoughts drift back to another aspect of it which really affected me. Man. It's a good one. You should see it.

Homecoming is tomorrow. The campus is all set up with tents and booths. The planners are planning a tailgating party. It should be fun. I don't know what I'm going to bring yet.

Today I'm working at the grad center. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up with everything that I need to. I just bought my gym membership so I'll probably head over there sometime today. It's a pretty fancy gym. I'm likin' it.

I don't know if I have any unique or inspirational insights for you today. A few things are on my mind. First, I found a church that I really like - the one that I took my parents to last week. It's Presbyterian, which is a new denomination for me. Little did I know that my dad grew up in a Presbyterian church. The music is awesome. They have a men's choir and a women's choir. Last week a soprano sang this beautiful aria -type hymn. The pastors are great. They bring a pretty deep intellectual approach but at the same time they keep the heart in the message. They also have a group for college and post-college aged people, so hopefully I'll be able to get involved with that. This is the first time I've ever really looked forward to Sunday and getting to know people at church. It's sweet.

At the moment it's muggy here and threatening rain. What kind of crazy October is this?

Free time?

Friends,

This week is not so busy, which is such a blessing. I've got all this time and I don't know what to do with it.

My parents' visit was quite nice. We ate good food and walked all over the city. I showed them my campus then took them to Reading Terminal for lunch. (It's an underground market thing that is crazy and crowded and quintessentially Philly. Words can't do it justice so you'll just have to come see me if you want to see it.) Then we went on the Duck tour - which is a tour around the city on one of those army conversion vehicles that is a bus but then it turns into a boat. It was super fun and silly. Then we went to a movie- Elizabeth: The Golden Age. It was ok, shot really beautifully and acted well, although as always, I kinda hated some of the typical gender role stuff. Then we went to dinner and to bed. On Sunday I took them to my church (which I've only been to a few times, but is quite cool) and they really liked it too. Then we walked up to the Art Museum (and ran up the Rocky steps) and ate brunch at the Art Museum's restaurant. It was a lovely weekend all-in-all and I think they were sad to go.

After they left, Sunday wasn't as hurried and bad as I thought it'd be. I finished everything I needed to. On Monday I found out that I don't have a lab assignment due next week. Hurrah! Then in GIS class the professor actually walked us through how to do the operations we need to know for the assignment instead of lecturing us through them abstractly. Now I feel like a I have a handle on that assignment so I won't have to stumble through it this week. In my design class I had an epiphany. I really enjoy design but often I don't take the time to put in the extra work, and I'm just trying to get the assignment done. Last night I added extra details and really allowed myself to take some artistic license. I think it was/is going to be worth it. But again, no assignment due for next week in that class, which is awesome. My only class tomorrow is cancelled.

So, I have from now through the weekend to get some readings done, catch-up on a few things, and...get a head start on others? Put in extra time somewhere? Have fun? Go out for coffee? The possibilities are endless...

Taking Pleasure in work

Dearest friends,

I'm in the computer lab at Meyerson right now, rather than out on Meyerson's patio for Happy Hour. I'm in some pleasureable zone where I'm enjoying all these different design programs. My new favorite is Sketch-up, seen here ---->
You can design cities and buildings all to scale relatively easily. I only know the basics so far but we're going to learn the in-depth stuff to do building features and whatnot next week.

Last week we used Illustrator to redesign a block to include townhouses, trees, parking spaces, and a park. Again, this design is pretty primitive but you get the idea.

In my Planning Theory class we used Illustrator to do more conceptual maps of cities around the world. Each person copied images from Google Earth and pasted them together as the base map in Photoshop. Then we put that map into Illustrator and drew the land uses on top of it. It was pretty time-consuming but also pretty cool. All of the maps used the same color scheme so they're easy to compare and have aesthetic unity. The map primarily shows land uses - urbanized area, water, agriculture and mining, natural land. The red lines are the primary highways.

Anyway, I have more to finish in Sketch-up and on GIS maps tonight. My parents are getting here around 9, so I hope to be done and home by then...probably not going to happen. Which means I'll be swamped on Sunday. But it's ok. It should be a really fun weekend no matter what.

I just wanted to share some of what I'm making with you. It's cool to me, sorry if it's not cool to you. I love you if you're reading this.

<3

Kristin

It's a hideous day and I couldn't be happier

Dearest friends,
It is done. The week of madness has come to an end.

I've learned a few lessons this week, but it seems they were simmering under the surface while my cognitive mind was too busy to synthesize them. First of all, I am capable of working ahead, and I must work ahead even more now than ever before. Second, working on a project with plenty of time can be a pleasureable experience. I can actually enjoy what I'm learning rather than feeling stressed and hurried. Internalizing my work should be my goal, not just completing the assignment as quickly as possible. Third, and this is much to my chagrin, I don't have the time to be a perfectionist. There's seriously too much to be done to do things as perfectly as I'd like to. I'm not used to this. Perhaps my desire for perfection will force me to work more efficiently so I can churn out the best possible products in an allotted time. Fourth, this week feels like a rite of passage. I've gone through the fire, and regardless of the outcomes, I have succeeded at least a little.

Fifth, it is cold and cloudy today and I love it. LOVE IT. Why is this? Just finishing the test didn't cause my happiness. I was content after the test, and then I went to the computer lab and worked on a few things. But I was not ecstatic til on my bike ride home my nose got cold and my fingers got clammy on the handle bars. I was flooded with joy. But why? I think I finally feel settled. All summer long I was partially here and partially at home. I kept relating the warmth and the summer to what I was missing. I think I subconsiously knew summer was ephemeral and that was hanging over me, like uncertainty and change were just around the corner and they were going to take me by surprise. The advent of the cold feels like I'm settled. I'm here. I belong here. Friendships are getting a bit more settled. Patterns are becoming established.

Mmm...yes, that's an important realization of the day. I'm forming habits. I'm learning how to organize time, learning when to socialize with friends, alloting time for relaxation. Habits feel good. Habits make me feel permanent rather than transient. My perceptions of self, time, space, friends, work and their interrelations are all changing. College for me was forming complex relationships with friends and learning about myself in the process. I internalized my school learning through informal conversations with my friends. Grad school for me is forming complex relationships with different kinds of work and in the process adapting myself to the material and the time constraints. I'm learning my limits and challenging my capacities. It feels very individualistic. I don't know how I feel about that.

Wow. Writing certainly helps one to sort thoughts, no? I hope this is somewhat sensical as my brain is kinda fried. In any case, for your prayers, thoughts, and pump-up songs this week, I thank and love you all.

-Kristin

Smiles, hearts and stars

A few things:

1. Thanks to those of you who've given me song suggestions. They've been great! Keep 'em coming if you'd like. I'll post a completed playlist once I get a chance to put it all together.

2. Brian informed me that my blog's settings didn't allow people who weren't on Blogger to post comments. I think I fixed this. Please let me know if it is/ isn't fixed.

3. Smiles, hearts and stars...
For whatever reason I'm in good spirits. I've been working pretty hard this week, I still have a lot to do, but I'm feeling accomplished. I feel like I can do it. It's all good.

I kind of took a break from the library yesterday. I went running and made cookies for a potluck dinner that we had last night. It was at Clint's parents' house (which is absolutely gorgeous.) People brought great food and I had some great conversations. The cookies went over well: they compelled Stacy to nearly propose. (Stacy is a boy by the way.) I used my mom's monster cookie recipe but I veganized it and made some other top-secret changes. If I make some more I'll mail them around the country for you all to try. Stacy's friend Dylan was in town from Luxembourg (although he's actually British), and he was a riot. David's girlfriend, Alicia? was also in town from law school at UVA. She was really cool too. I think it was the kind of break we all needed - low-key with real food and real friends.

After the dinner some of us went to Doobie's bar around the corner. I had some more really lovely conversations there. It's always good to speak passionately about something and have someone else understand you perfectly. After the bar I guided Stacy and Dylan to Bob and Barbara's (bar) before heading home to crash.

I suppose I could've stayed in last night and tried to get more work done, but I think part of any education is getting to know your peers. Talking about planning-type issues in a more theoretical context is so much more meaningful than exchanging frustrated anecdotes about how much homework we have. I hope there will be more nights like tomorrow night and that I don't let myself get entirely consumed by schoolwork.

Apparently we have a lot of work in this program. Alicia was saying that it sounds like way more work than her law program (and UVA is one of the top law programs in the country). Genevieve, who's roommate in med school, says our workload is at least comparable. I suppose the challenging thing about our program is that it's not just reading and absorbing information. We actually have to produce things: maps, papers, stats labs. And we have to think in a lot of different ways - reading, writing, concepts, numbers, graphics. I guess I like hearing that our program is hard. It makes me feel like I'm doing something legitimate. Perhaps cuz my sister and dad are both doctors I have an inferiority complex about the prestigiousness/intellect required for whatever career I chose. So yeah, it's good to think I'm doing something equally as hard.

Anyway, back to the swamp. Wish me luck. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. And if you're reading this I love you.

Wanted: Ultimate pump-up playlist

Hi friends,

So from now til next Thursday (as in October 11) will probably be the most work-laden 1.5 weeks of my 17-year school career. Wish me luck. In order for me to survive I'll actually need some help from you all. As some of you have noticed, my current myspace song, "Go For It" by Hot Sundae (from Saved By the Bell), is the best song ever. It has the amazing power to psyche me up and make me laugh all at the same time. I need to compile a playlist of songs in this vein. It's the only way that me or any one else in my program will survive. I've received some good suggestions so far:
"Don't feel like dancin'" by the Scissor Sisters
"The Champions" by Queen - I can actually think of some other good Queen suggestions
"A little bit of heart and soul" by T Pau

You get the picture. I'm not looking for "great music" as in talent, or insightful lyrics, or complex chord progressions, etc. (If it happens to be amazing music, like Queen, that's fine). But what I really need is high energy and a little bit of ridiculousness. And, as I've realized that any song that's even the slightest bit sad makes me instantly introspective and detached, we've got to avoid those. Usually I only like the sad songs but I'm realizing they render me entirely useless.

Ok, so that's your assignment. Now back to mine...my pile of assignments that is. If you're reading this I love you.

Treading water

For those of you who've been to college, perhaps you remember the week or two before finals. Every thing is piling up, you have two research papers to write, two final projects for studio classes, one lab project and four exams to study for. Looking over the pile it's easy to become hopeless, it's easy to despair. Yet you have hope. You know you can and will finish it all, because you've succeeded every other semester. You might think to yourself "in two weeks I will be home for Christmas/Summer vacation and I can relax and this will all be behind me."

Now take that pile, add daily readings that you must keep up with, and make all of those aforementioned projects due every two weeks. This is grad school. Not only is the workload bigger, but the stakes are much higher. I'm not learning for a grade anymore, I'm learning for my career. The history and theory of planning, the concentric zone model, Adobe Illustrator, GIS - these are things I will have to know for my life. If I want to fix cities I can't just learn this stuff for a test. I have to internalize it and figure out what kind of planner I want to be. That's intense.

At the moment I'm trying to find my best course of action. Historically, I'm a big fan of the put-everything-off-to -the-last-minute model and finishing everything in marathon-like chunks of time. Obviously this will not work here. I've been figuring out where I work best, and how much studying I can do in a day before ceasing to be productive. My current strategy is that when I'm too brain-dead to actually think (like for my statistics class) I can keep being productive in front of the TV by doing mindless map work in Illustrator. I'm hoping if I'm always doing something I'll keep up.

I'm trying not to let it stress me out or get me down. School is school. Just two years right? In the meantime I'm dreaming of the amazing career I'll pursue when I get out of here. I'm also trying to take advantage of the other academic non-school things going on around here. I went to a lecture about the book "The Omnivore's Dilemma" on Wednesday which was really interesting. Perhaps I'll post about that later.

At the moment back to work. I'm still in my pajamas, doing laundry as I work on analyzing Census Tract 151 in Philadelphia. I'm sure you're fascinated and want to know more about my project. Wish me luck, stamina and productivity. I love you all.

On love

Here's what I'm thinking:
We all just want to be loved. We're all just floating around in this crazy world pursuing whatever goals and dreams we have. And all any of us really wants is to know someone else, just one other person, gets it. Gets our existence. They don't necessarily have to agree with everything we think. They do have to appreciate it. Once they do, well, then we're not just floating around anymore. Then we're real, because someone realizes (as in makes real) us by realizing (as in understanding) what we're made of, what we stand for, what crazy complexities comprise our personalities.

That's what love is I think. "I get you. I think you're worth something. I may not be just like you, but I like how you think, I like what you do, I admire it, and I'll do everything I can to support it and to support your pursuit of it."

And that's the point of love. Most of us need partners. I mean, I feel entirely complete on my own. It's not an issue of completeness. It's an issue of partnership. Life is tough sometimes. Pursuing our crazy pursuits is tough. We need teammates to help us do it. I don't think that's weakness. I think that's an inherent necessity. If not in a romantic relationship, at least in some sort of relationship with another person.

I'm convinced that practically any two people can make it work. There are definitely some factors which will make it better or worse. Some essentials are shared views on what the world is like: are people good or bad? are social issues important? which is more important to you: money or saving the world? Obviously religious views are huge. But again, two people don't have to have a lot in common to have quite successful relationships. On the other hand, two very similar people can have a really hard time of it. I don't know any common factor to the successful relationship formula besides plain old commitment.

My realization at the moment is this: I don't want to just "make it work." I don't want to just commit. I know I'm capable of it, I've done it plenty. I want more than that. I want something extraordinary. I've made it work enough. I'm definitely seeing differences in how easy or difficult or successful or unsuccessful it can be. The problem is this: Relationships are so much investment. It hurts to put so much into something. I'm tired of investing. This isn't to say there have not been valuable returns in the form of lessons learned, for example. I'm just tired of the guess-and-check method. I want to know how to know if something is worth it before I throw my whole heart and head and life in. Is that too much to ask?

The summary: I need a partner (if not right now, in the long run) I want something better than just workable. Unfortunately, I'm tired of investing myself. So, I dunno what that leaves me with. Just let things roll how they may and see what happens?

Saturday Routine

I don't know what I want to write about today. Nothing that's going on is culminating in any sort of overarching theme. I'm feeling about a million different things at once, I'm confused about pretty much every relationship I'm in, and I don't know what to make of school. When I was mulling this all over this morning, (as I do typically like to mull in the mornings) I thought I've never felt like this before. Then I read my journal from last fall around this time and realized I am always like this. The more things change the more they stay the same.

First: relationships. Friendships are particularly new for me at the moment. I realized I'm much better at making guy friends than girl friends a long time ago. Usually that's cool, but now I'm afraid to make guy friends cuz it seems like it'd be going for something more than friends? I dunno. So girl friends, I actually want some of those, but it seems like cultivating a meaningful friendship with a girl takes a lot of time. Moreso, I think I believe in soul mates more for relationships with girls than guys. My closest girl friends - Natalie, Carrie, Erica, - we hit it off and I knew there was potential there from the get go. There are a lot of cool girls in this program, so I guess I just hope I hit it off with some of them. Currently, I've got a group I hang out with, but I'm tired of the party scene and definitely want something less superficial. Again, it's only September, we'll see how it all works out.

Relationships - Relationships past. Distance, time, past, present. What's worth investing in? Who's worth keeping in touch with? Conversations are investments. To have one, I must really open myself up and let someone in. Often I'm left emotionally drained. Talking is so taxing. There are some channels I wonder if I want to leave open? On the other hand, relationships present. Opening myself up for the first time, letting someone get to know me. The extra effort that it takes to transcend space inherently says something about the relationship. Am I worth that investment? Am I ready for something that connotes serious interest?

Relationships - family. Why do I miss my family? This feels new to me or newish. I've definitely never missed my parents before. This summer was the first time my mom and I really got to know each other. We had some great conversations and I've learned to appreciate her wisdom in areas I never recognized previously. Now I feel some nostalgia to know who she and her sisters were when they were my age. As my grandma gets older I have a desire to know her and the Wieand girl legacy or something. I miss Julie a lot too. She's probably one of my closest friends. Sisters are sweet, and I really wish I lived closer to her. I miss Rick, maybe I'm used to that by now, but even so, I miss knowing what's going on with him.

School - Am I ever content with school? While I sometimes and usually love to learn, I suck at sitting down and cranking out school work. I am easily distracted (which this blog confirms) by my own swirling self-reflections. What's up with that? I need to turn off that part of my brain sometimes. Anyway, now that I've made this huge investment in this school (not only monetarily but emotionally, relationally, etc.) I'm second-guessing it. I know that's stupid. I do want to do this. But watching Top Chef makes me want to quit everything, go to pastry school, and open a cafe-bakery that's open all night. I currently make desserts for everyone's b'day and I love it. It's therapeutic and so satisfying, b/c what's better than having someone make something delicious for you? I know this is stupid. I know whatever I do I will second guess it and consider/wish I was doing something else. I do want my life's work to be more than dessert. I am enjoying planning and I do have grand dreams for fixing the fabric of our cities. I'm just lazy. And, I have a fear complex when approaching new school work. I'm all afraid I don't/won't know what I'm doing so I don't even want to start an assignment. I'm psyching myself out. I've got to get over that fast.

So that's all. I'm here listening to John Lennon's "Walls and Bridges" album. I'm trying to decide if I should go elsewhere to study. I'm still mulling. I've got a lot to do. I have to figure out how to actually make myself get stuff done. I love you if you're reading this.

Falling

Studying at a café. Today is the first chilly day so far. The air is noticeably crisp, my blue hooded sweatshirt is comfortable, and my flip-flopped toes are cold. I’m trying to figure out why fall’s advent invariably makes me sad. And lonely. Lonely is the best description of it. Everyone else loves it. It scares me to death. Natalie talks about a "sense of impending doom" that she gets from time to time. The first bite of a fall breeze invariably floods me with that feeling.

I'll try to deconstruct my feelings by looking to my past. I think back to high school when fall meant marching band, football games, Tom. All of those things were anxiety-ridden to say the least. Before that I remember starting middle school and not knowing who my friends would be that year or how my classes would be, being scared in sports and scared of teachers. After that, college meant coming back to the stress of the art program and friends and Vijay. Over the summer Grand Rapids looked so comfortable and home-like on the horizon. But upon arrival, I was always thrown off by even the smallest changes in dynamics between me and my friends' relationships, how much time we spent together, where we hung out.

Maybe that's what it boils down to. Fall is change for me. In my cognitive calender Fall feels like the real beginning of the new year. Fall is the transition into whatever I'm beginning. I should become Jewish so I can celebrate Rosh Hashanah. (I wonder if when I’m finally done with school, fall will mean something different?)

I think I'm pretty sensitive to my environment in general - any changes in light, color, temperature, breeze. I notice these things can literally take me from a soaringly good mood to a sad one instantly. Fall varies pretty extremely from Indian summers in September to shivering stick trees and snow storms in November. It also has to do with directionality. I love spring because it's taking me out of winter and into summer. It's a change in a good direction. Fall is taking me away from summer (which I think is my best season) and into winter, which is easily my worst. (What's my problem? Who has seasons? I'm ridiculous.)

Additionally, I want to be in love in fall. It’s chilly and I want to hold hands with someone. I want to huddle under a blanket at a football game or share a steamy cup of coffee in the park. Cities are the most romantic places to me and I want to be in love in this one. And well...the current laws governing speed, time and distance make that a bit impossible at the moment. (Missing people is so pointless. The only benefit is it confirms/reiterates how much you care for someone. But after that it just hurts. The best thing is to not think of it.)

I also miss my family like I never have before. Well, no. I always miss Chicago because it always feels like home. But that feeling is rather intense at the moment. I really can’t wait to see my sister and my grandma and my aunts and cousins. Thanksgiving is an exciting thing on the horizon. I just have to get through all the school between now and then.

In any case I’m ok. I’m consistently running again which feels good. I am enjoying my classes and my friends. I feel a lot of things. But I feel good. I’m excited about life. Excited enough. A bit worried about money. A bit worried about finding a church. But things are ok and I’m ok and I’m going to be ok.

Circuses

Yesterday was our third walking tour of Philadelphia. I was with the TA's this time, which I might've preferred as it seems our tour covered more interesting things in more depth. I now know a slew of fun facts about practically every part of Philly proper so...y'all gotsta come see me. My favorite part was definitely the Wanamaker building (currently Macy's). The building was designed by Daniel Burnham (the guy who planned all of Chicago). The pipe organ is the biggest in the world. The coolest thing is that the building was designed to be Wanamaker's department store. It kind of shows how important downtown, department stores were for cities at the time. It's cool that a private company would put so much funding into creating a beautiful space primarily for public use. The picture obviously doesn't do it justice. I guess during Christmas they still deck out the whole thing and it's a center of activity.

The day concluded at Reading Terminal, which is also amazing. It's an indoor market with tons of booths where you can find almost any kind of food or delicious treat. I bought all my produce there because it's really cheap inexpensive. Some people went to play mini-golf afterward but Christy and I went home b/c Duncan, a guy around the corner, was having a yard sale. It was not just any yard sale. To create ambiance for example, a circus record was playing in the background the entire time. Duncan has rented an Airstream trailer to travel cross country and is selling all of his stuff. A self-admitted pack rat, he had the craziest and most random crap I've ever seen.

Things weren't priced individually; instead you had to make a pile of stuff and make an offer, and he'd accept based on "how many beers I've had, and how many beers you've had." (Beer, Mike's hard lemonade, and Wood Chuck pear cider were provided.) Lots of items were "free with purchase", as in, if you take something you like, you've gotta take something you don't like. Christy and I wanted "Therapy" so we had to take "Careers for girls", and "The Bionic Woman" and "The Six Million Dollar Man" have to go together because they're married. We also made off with a toaster, a really nice floor lamp, kitchen knives, a box of linens with a CD player and speakers in it, mixing bowls...perhaps more, I forget, all for $20. Now our kitchen is officially on its way to being decked out.

Duncan and his friends may have started a theme for the day. I definitely ended up at a gay bar last night which was really really fun because it was just as I had always pictured: Whitney Houston / Britney Spears remixes, pretty boys dancing, disco ball, etc. It was rather fantastic. Unexpected point of interest: a lot of gay guys go into urban planning. At Duncan's place, two of his friends were planners. One of the guys we were out with last night, who no one thought was gay, ended up going home with someone from the club, or so we think. The single girls in the program are lamenting that the list of available straight guys is slowly losing members to the list of straight taken guys and newly discovered gay guys. Alas. At the risk of sounding totally naive, people going home together at the end of the night with people they just met, and people from the program hooking up randomly is all unsettling to me. I know it happens all the time, but I don't have to think it's healthy. My generation does not have clear social norms to guide people's dating practices. It seems like none of us know how to properly relate to people we're interested in and I've seen too many friends get emotionally effed up because of it. This frustrates me.

As fun as the day was...I'm kind of getting sick of the party scene. I'm looking forward to getting settled in and having friends that I can have normal conversations with, rather than only making small talk at bars and then loud drunk talk after bars at the end of the night. I'm wondering if this group of people is just like this, or if grad school is just like this, or if the real world is just like this? Natalie always told me that my friends at Calvin had intellectual orgies. Perhaps that was true and I took it for granted. I don't really miss the pretentiousness of those conversations, but I do miss talking about something real. I'm sure things will get settled in soon and once classes start this may all be a different story. I mean, we're all in city planning for a reason - and it's definitely not money. I'm sure we're standing on some common ideological ground. And as I hear this program's about to kick my ass, I'm thinking there won't be much time left for partying at the end of the day... well at the end of every day at least.

Lesson # 2: the Fisher Library is Phat and Philly is Phit

The Fisher Fine Arts Library is officially my favorite building in the world. I studied up there today and twas great. I felt fancy. Don't know if you can tell from the picture, but the graduate carrels are perched in a narrow cat-walk type space above the main library. I read Jane Jacobs, Allen Jacobs (Great Streets) and Kevin Lynch (Design of cities?). I feel officially on my way to being a planner.

I also biked a lot today. There's a path that runs next to the river which is quite scenic. It goes about 20 miles up to Valley Forge National Park, but I only went about 7, up to Falls Bridge. I did my sketches for class along the way. There are quite a few parks and benches and picnic tables and various other interesting places to stop throughout the ride. It reminded me of biking through Minneapolis with Carrie. It seems like a very effective way to allow city-dwellers to get a breath of fresh air and feel like they're "out of the city" without having to travel too far. So whoever designed it: kudos to you.

Realization of the day: I haven't been in/on any form of motorized transport in five days, which is probably the longest span of time in my life. This blows my mind. Now that I don't have a car, walking and biking and maybe busing or subwaying (not a word, I know) are my only options for getting around. I'm used to it already. Biking is pretty fun. It's a very efficient form of transportation. It's about twice as fast as walking, and for a commute it ranges from 2/3's as fast to just as fast or faster than taking a bus or car depending on traffic/rush hour, etc. Additionally, and this is my favorite part, if you commute by bike (or by foot/rollerblade/etc.) you are incorporating exercise into the fabric of your life. It's not this chore that you have to set aside additional time for. It's how you get around. I think that is the core of why Americans are so much fatter than everyone else. Besides city dwellers, most of us drive EVERYWHERE. Then we rush off to the gym for an hour to get in our cardio. This might sound like madness, but, what if rather than walking on a treadmill or biking on a bike machine, we were doing the same things in real life in order to get somewhere?

I know I wanted to concentrate on transportation in grad school, and I think I still do (although urban design is edging in.) But this crazy idea of biking is bringing new things to my attention. Mass transit (train transit especially) is excellent for bringing people to and from the city. But for getting around the city, mass transit must be treated differently. Most people don't like using buses because they're stuck in the same traffic they'd be stuck in in a car. Trolleys and subways are cool, especially for big cities, but for the average commute within the city, those require quite a bit of infrastructure to move people relatively short distances. I'm thinking bike traffic needs to be better incorporated into plans for city transit.

So, thoughts for the day: bikes are sweet, bike paths that go on for 20 miles are sweet, non-motorized commuting is sweet, the Fine Arts Library is VERY sweet. The only not sweet thing: it's fun to explore all of these things on my own, but...part of the fun of finding sweet things is sharing them. So...if you're reading this you should come visit me so I can impress you with all of the sweetness in my new city.

Lesson #1: Philly is phashionable

I've decided to make a blog about my new life in a new city. I know, it's really original. But, every day is filled with such wonderful new things that I feel I should keep track of them all. (In keeping with the groundbreaking originality of this blog, I'll probably choose some cliche theme or lesson of the day.) And, I am now for the first time living the farthest I ever have from the people I love. I've never been good at keeping in touch, maybe because I never felt the distance was that great, but now I'd really like to. I don't want to be that person who calls all of her friends every day, and I hate the phone anyway, but I do want you all to know about my life. And I do want to know about all of yours. Obviously I realize how egocentric it is to assume that you're all pining to know every detail of my day...so I guess this is really just for Mom and Dad. But anyway, I love you all and I hope you care to check up on me once in a while.

Lesson for today: Philly is phashionable (I know, clever right?)

I find it really hard to not dress up every day that I live in Philadelphia, because everyone around me is dressed up. I don't mean office clothes or night-on-the-town clothes. I mean people are put together. No one crawls out of bed in hoodies and jeans (well it's too hot for that I suppose) or college t-shirts and shorts around here. People look good. They have style. And that's inspiring. Whether or not I want to replicate everything I see, I definitely appreciate how every person on the street spent some time getting fancy before they went out the door. Not only have I gone shopping (not too much) but in bursts of creativity I've altered a bunch of my clothes and come out with some good results.

So I'm on some clothing missions here in Philadelphia. 1. I need some cute sneakers. 2. I need skirts, flowy dresses, and a tube top in order to survive this mad humidity which is a Philly summer, and all of which can transition into fall or winter wear. The problem with shopping missions however is once you have an idea of what you want it's so hard to find it. I'm looking for a Puma-like sneaker - pretty light, sole not too thick, tongue not prominent, $40 or less, kind of Euro...it slips into inexpressible criteria at that point. I've searched high and low and found some things which would be suitable, but I haven't found THE shoe. It's like I'm searching for my soul mate. Perhaps I shall go to the Puma store, pick a style I like, and then see if I can find it on Ebay?

I don't mean to be shallow and waste time talking about clothes. Clothes aren't really what I learned about today - they reflect what I learned. First, cities have energy. People who don't know each other are walking and biking and driving around each other, and even if they don't talk, their visual exchanges of existence have an effect on one another. They are atoms bouncing off each other, exchanging energy, and continuing on altered paths - and it's all subconscious. With personal style people are exchanging ideas subconsciously, promoting certain brands/stores and not others, even displaying subcultures and beliefs. Then, regardless of the individual's style, the fact that everyone has style creates a social norm which holds everyone to a higher fashion standard. That's pretty neat.

The second thing I learned is more about me. I'm in some weird but pleasant state of simultaneous connection and disconnection. A lot of my heart is rooted to true home (Detroit) (and that keeps me from feeling total anomie,) while new parts of me are connecting to my new city, my new classmates, my new apartment, my new home. At the same time I have all this independence - no one to answer to or tell where I'm going. I love times like these because I feel like I have a clean canvas on which to rediscover/invent? what it means to be me. And me, well, I guess I'm a city girl at heart because I feed off the energy of this city. Every city thing I do makes me happy: being surrounded by people I don't know, not needing a car, buying groceries on my bike, getting asked for directions, exploring totally different neighborhoods that are just blocks from one another...I feel like I'm part of something real. Even though it's a big place and I'm somewhat anonymous in it, I feel like I'm now part of this city's life. It's affecting me (for example, my clothes) and I'm leaving subtle imprints on it. This is fascinating and refreshing and exiting.

Part of my personality I suppose is to express my creativity through dress. This past summer I found myself caring about my clothes mostly because I wanted to look nice for somebody. There's definitely nothing wrong with that. (I'm still doing things so I'll look nice for that somebody the next time I see them.) But now, in the absence of that motivation, I find myself dressing as an expression of myself. It's good to remember who I am. It's good to feel inspired. It's good to think that maybe my fashion is a small part contribution to the invisible, unspoken life of the city. It's good to think that I'm an atom in this mix.

Please don't be July yet

This summer, like all beautiful things is going by too fast. I don't like that. I'm tired of endings. Perhaps it's true that in order to be an ending, there must also be a new beginning. I like those. But endings carry so much baggage. When the end is looming in sight, you have to try harder to enjoy what you've got before it's over. And that trying ruins the authenticity of what was good to begin with. I don't know if it's better to acknowledge the end or just try not to think about it. As far as college endings went, I was very conscious of it and that ending was pretty suck. So, maybe this time I'll try to put August 6 as far from my mind as possible and live as if summer was going to last forever.

Hating blogs but bored at work

I don't know what I have to say. I do like this font though. Mm. Yes, very nice. I work at an office and they don't really have any work for me right now. I forgot to bring my book today, so alas, blogging is my only option for appearing to look busy.

Status of things: warmish outside, sunny now but was rainy during lunch, office is frigid.
Status of me: My fingers are cold. My heart is...feeling multiple conflicting and unrelated emotions.

Big events of the day: Someone called me at friggin 5 in the morning, drunk. I guess I wasn't supposed to wake up because he wanted to leave me a message. So he called again and I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. Upon waking up I read his text message before calling my mailbox to listen to the phone message. Both pissed me the hell off. "I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone, I love you - it feels so good to say it, I want to go on a date with you when you come into town, blah blah." He was afraid I'd be pissed. I am, but I think he was concerned I'd doubt his sincerity and chalk it up to the alcohol. That's not the case. I believe he's sincere. I just don't care. I guess I do care. I think I'm offended that he thinks he can just call me in the middle of the night and expect me to want to hear this shit. I'm over it. Maybe that makes me heartless, I'm not sure.

Big break-ups result in necessary deconstruction. After being in a relationship for so long it takes awhile to gain perspective on what your relationship really was, and what you really want/wanted all along. Now in light of new friendships, perhaps crushes, on the opposite sex, I'm wondering how I ever really felt about him. I read some stupid magazine at lunch, interviewing someone on how many times they'd ever been in love. I tried to count. I'd say two, but they were two different kinds of love. With the first guy it was that crazy head-over-heels first love madness. I was way too young to feel anything that much, and there wasn't much substance to base it all on, but what can I say? It was love. The second guy, on the other hand, was quite different. I don't think I ever felt giddy about him. I liked who he was + I had fun with him + we had good conversations= we were friends. Friendship was the core of why we started dating and also the reason we stopped. I loved him like a best friend. I was committed to him which is definitely part of love, but I wasn't ever crazy about him. He had such high expectations of love and romance, so I always tried to make myself feel those and tried to make our relationship reflect them, but in reality, they were never just there. Looking back, I had been falling out of love with him for quite some time before we finally broke up. I think that's why I'm totally over it now, even though it only officially ended a few months ago.

Until recently I thought I was too old to get giddy sixth grade crushes - butterflies, dreamy-eyes, smiling to myself at just the thought of the other person. Fortunately or unfortunately, I was wrong. I enjoy feeling something so innocent and light but intense. I like feeling real things. I like not having to meet any expectations or plan for a future. Maybe it's immature, but I'm sick of faux-mature relationships. Finishing college I saw too many couples getting engaged because they thought it was the empirically correct thing to do, even though (at least from my perspective) many of them have a lot of growing-up to do and issues to work out before getting married. I'm a kid. I like being a kid. I like playing and enjoying life. No need to tie it down to the ground before it's really started flying. Not to say relationships are inherently bad. I like them. But I think more people need to take them easy and not hinder what could be quite beautiful by weighing it down with obligation and expectation and an arbitrary, self-imposed timeline.

So what's the bottom line? I like love. I like life. I like being in both. I don't like when one hinders the other. Love should never be forced, and before marriage at least, love should never be about obligation and expectation. And...good friendships don't necessarily make good loves.