Dearest friends,
It's been a while, especially since I've posted anything of substance
rather than just rants about school. (Sorry about that, it's kind of
consuming). You'll be glad to know the worst is over. I turned in two
twenty-plus page reports yesterday, and I'm feeling appropriately
euphoric. I may have forgone sleep in order to do it, but it is done,
and I am glad. Just a few things left on the list.
Last night I went with a few friends to the bar and let me tell you,
after working for 27 hours straight on projects (literally) one beer
plus the company of a few friends is the best thing in the entire
world. (I still don't like beer but i figured anything else would make
me die.) It was lovely to converse about the semester and life in
general.
I'm nervous/anxious about going home. A week ago I couldn't wait to get there and now I'm afraid. It might be because I've changed a lot this semester -- not as far as my actions, or who I am, but definitely regarding what I believe. As the title implies, this post is about uncertainty. And as most other posts have implied, I'm pretty uncertain these days.
I guess the biggest thing is faith. I'm not really sure what I think about God anymore. I don't mean this to be some big dramatic statement and I really don't want you all to worry. I'm not saying I don't believe in God...I'm just not sure what that means. Or what Christianity means. I'm full of questions that I've never had before -- not about doctrine or the philosophy behind it all, but about how this religion actually plays out in practice.
My first concern is that I'm just not convinced of Christian traditions or cultural practices at the moment. I've been going to church and meeting all the other people at my church that are my age. They're quite nice people, but the majority of them are those really good kids who've never done anything wrong and grew up in Christian homes. That's fine, and I don't mean to discount them as people or as friends. They're not judgmental or condescending. At other times in my life I would really want to be friends with them and feel guilty that I wasn't as good as they are. At this point in life, I'm over that. I've done what I've done and I'm cool with it. I guess the issue is...here we are, a bunch of Christian kids raised in Christian homes...and what have we ever done about it? Who have we ever helped? Who have I ever told about Jesus? I mean, I've had conversations with plenty of people about my faith but I don't know anyone I've actually I dunno, converted? That sounds weird. Anyway, it's like...what's the point? We live by these rules cuz we think they're what God wants us to do, and we practice these traditions... I'm just starting to see it all in an anthropological/sociological light rather than a faith that I believe in and act out.
The second issue is about guilt. I feel like all I ever feel about faith is guilty. I look back at my life and see all the things I've done wrong and how I'm always falling short and how I keep making the same mistakes and how I'm not really progressing at all. I don't think this religion is about failure, but I think I make it about failure. At the end of every day I count up all the ways I was wrong and I apologize to God and hope he forgives me. And then I go and sin in all the same ways the next day. That sucks. Can I ever actually get better? Isn't believing this stuff supposed to make me better? If God wants me to stop doing the wrong things why doesn't he help more? (I can't believe how heretical this sounds, stream-of-consciousness is dangerous, please forgive me)
The third thing is about certainty. I'm getting skeptical about "God's plan" and "God's will." If God has a plan then there's always a right answer. With job/school/love/life choices there's a right answer. I look back at the times when I've said "this is what God wanted" and I want to think I'm right, but simultaneously doublethink says "I'm saying it's God's will cuz I'm trying to justify the way it played out." You can call anything God's will. Accepting the bad things that happen is a lot easier if it's God's will. What if it's not? If there is a right answer then why the hell do I never feel certain? If God so wants me to follow his plan then why doesn't he make it easier to figure it out?
This planning program is revealing more and more that there's no right answer. Planners deal with "wicked problems" as one article calls them - problems so complex that there's no real solution (like poverty for example). You can try to limit the scope on it and zoom in on one aspect, but no matter what you can't fix the whole thing. It's way too complex to understand its scope, let alone implement some way to solve it. You can't even be certain about little things. There will always be winners and losers. You can't see the future so you can't know the long-term effects. You just have to do the best with the info you have.
I almost had a revelation the other day. I realized that no one is certain, or any more certain than I am. You can't be certain. There is no certainty. All you can do is be satisfied with your choices...You can't change it, so why not just be satisfied?
But that's not good enough for me. I want to know! I want there to be a right answer.
I was telling my friend James last night that I think I'm anxious about going home b/c I don't really know what I think about things anymore. His response was "well you just have to decide what you're passionate about and think about that, because nothing else really matters."
I found this to be wise, however I don't know what I'm passionate about. I think it all comes down to not knowing myself anymore. And not knowing myself keeps reinforcing this ridiculous cycle of doubting what I believe, and doubting what I believe just makes me not know myself more.
Ironically/coincidentially/not so coincidentially, Natalie called me last week. And she's doubting all the same things I am. I thought that was funny/relieving/disconcerting. I was expecting to come home over break and tell her all my crazy doubts and she'd tell me how great God was and I'd remember and everything would be ok. Instead she called me with the same doubts and rather than reassuring each other about faith we reaffirmed each other about doubting. Kind of funny no? Yikes...
In a lot of ways words have stopped meaning a lot to me. Sermons don't really inspire me nor do conversations about God. The only time I really feel him anymore is when I'm listening to the music at church. They've got an amazing organ and usually have people from Philadelphia's symphony playing during the service. Last week a brass ensemble played some amazing arrangement of I don't even remember what and I almost cried. Music is revelatory. As is the city - what I see and hear speak to me of something greater. I know it's there. I'll find it again...
(oh my goodness, seriously, my bad about the drama, I don't mean it, just sorting things out, don't worry)
