Are you ever just swept away by everything?

Summer or the advent of summer does that to me. Trees that were sticks pop into flowers and then green - green everywhere. Blue skies, sunlight that's golden instead of white, breezes that carry some scent of the season, birds that make noise (too much noise), construction sounds, traffic and bustle, and people are out to enjoy it. I didn't know there were so many people. Three weeks ago campus had a smattering of bench-sitters and small crowds outside for smoke breaks. Now people are everywhere - laying on the lawn, crowding the benches, sitting on steps. We all want to be part of this recently-awakened buzz.

But more than that - what is it? I get sentimental this time of year. I'm reflective of the past year that's gone by, I anticipate the surprises and adventures that summer holds in store. I romantically envision some version of perfection that will surely be my next three months. So much is in store, so much is going on now, all of it's happening too fast to take it in or assess it or even understand and before I know it it'll all be lost. I hate missing out on everything-at-once moments. Spring is the best time to catch them and the easiest time to miss them b/c I'm always so busy with school.

Alas.

Forgive the disjointedness of my brief break from schoolwork.

Hey friends,

So another school year is coming to an end. It's crunch time, but not crunchy enough that I'm freakin' out yet (hence me writing this blog). In any case, I just realized I'm going to be home in about a month. It's going to be summer again. I simultaneously feel like summer just happened and that summer was a lifetime ago. I feel like I've lived about three lives in the last year: Calvin, summer, and Penn. I'm happy with the one I'm in now. I wouldn't want to go back to anything I've been before. I think I'm on the right track life-wise, even though I never anticipated the way things have shaken out. I never thought I'd doubt the things I've doubted. I never thought I'd decide what I've decided. Maybe the first lent itself to the second. This time around though I've owned my actions. I'm not lying anymore, to myself or anyone else. So word to that.

Who knows what summer holds? Waiting to hear back on an internship opportunity. Don't want to talk about it yet for fear of jinxing it. Trying to keep my hopes down. Sigh. Wherever I end up this summer, I don't know if I can handle any more lifetimes. So much change is overwhelming.

Despite the different lives, some patterns emerge. For example, I have a boy problem. I always thought I just fell into relationships without looking for them because I wasn't assertive enough to know what I wanted/didn't want. While I've become more discerning in my taste, it's no coincidence that I'm always in a relationship. Because I don't know how to be friends with girls I just become friends with guys. It's way easier, it makes more sense to me, I'm more comfortable. And then that always ends up somewhere. It's a strange deficiency. I could probably teach a class on dating but I need a class on making friends.

I'm having a hard time foreseeing my future. I'm failing to connect my present actions with possible future consequences. I'm living in the now. How lame that sounds. I don't even know how to picture a future or where or with whom.

Life goes by pretty fast. I always indulge myself in brief moments of perfection. I wish I was brave enough to look at the big picture.

Until we meet again,

-k

Philadelphia <3 and Refrigerator Space

Walking through Rittenhouse Square today on my way to the coffee shop I came to an important realization: I would rather live in Philadelphia than Chicago. In the long run I mean - even after school is over. Maybe this shouldn't be so groundbreaking but it is for me. I've got so much family in Chicago, it's always felt a bit like home, I love the Cubs and the Bears way more than the Phillies or the Eagles. In Chicago's defense, I've never lived actually lived there. So maybe this is an unfair comparison. But Philadelphia is mine. Perhaps it's a function of my "need to be special" personality type, but I like to be original and I like to be independent. I'm the only person I know (besides the people I've met here) who's ever lived in Philly. It's a well-kept secret and I like being in on it. Chicago has no Rittenhouse Square and no flowery trees in Spring, or at least far fewer trees. Philly is somehow more manageable in size. It's big but not too big. It's small enough to feel my own and run into people I know. It's safe but not too safe. There's still grit on my street, and there are still gritty neighborhoods where poor grad students like myself can afford to live and still be able to walk to the park declared one of the best in the country by Jane Jacobs. No one knows how great it is until they get here. Word to that.

I don't know if I want to live in Philly after school is over. I want to hop around the world before settling down. But I can see myself here in the future. That's an interesting feeling. The future's freaking me out at the moment. I've got no internship for the summer yet and I'm starting to panic. Send out a few prayers for me if you don't mind. I've sent a bunch of applications but haven't heard much back. Yikes. Hopefully it'll all come together.

As per usual I spent last week bustin' my butt on another project. The results were pretty cool. We took a photo of a crappy street, traced it, then Photoshop-ed together a fixed street and traced that. Even though it was tracing, all the finished products were really different. My prof wanted us to trace because a lot of people don't have drawing experience and he didn't want perspectives and such to get warped (although Photoshopping warps things anyway, but whatev.) We hung up our existing photo, the existing conditions drawing, and the fixed drawing, and then people picked their favorites. My prof (who I don't think likes me very much) spent a lot of time talking about both of mine. I was afraid he'd think my drawings "too sketchy" but he actually really liked them (maybe b/c he didn't know whose they were?) In any case, it made me feel more confident about my urban design skills. Check it:
Existing Thompson Street photograph

Existing Thompson Street drawing
Re-Design for Thompson Street
This project kinda pissed me off because I don't think sidewalk cafe's, street trees, and first floor retail are the solution to all city planning problems. But the exercise was to teach us to draw a convincing vision so I think it served its purpose. I learned to draw trees which was fun. I would probably do a bunch of things better/differently but there's only so much time in a day. My prof said the pavement was "expertly done" and the trees were "fresh and original." Sorry, I'm not tryin' to brag but I realize I do put my work on this blog like a refrigerator. My intent is just to show y'all what I'm doing all day rather than calling you (even though I'd surely rather be calling you). I miss you all dearly and hope to see you sometime, somewhere this summer.

<3
K