Life is falling apart. Not to be dramatic. chuckle chuckle. the sun still seems to be shining but some invisible economy is crumbling. bad guys are taking all the money for themselves and we're all losing our jobs. but we have magic machines in our pockets which allow us to connect to anyone, anywhere, in an instant. we can see other worlds instantly. we can get on flying machines that actually take us anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. life is a strange juxtaposition of what we feel and what we've heard is actually happening. the magic that is the reality of our lives is lost compared to the ever-impending dark clouds of fear.
i am a part of this mess. i am falling apart while trying to hold it together. everything means everything and nothing. i care so much that i don't care at all. i want to run away from everything i know but i'm scared to death of starting over all over again. i envy those friends who are settled, or at least more settled than i. i envy their relationship security, their teamwork, their intimacy. and yet i would feel entirely stifled and trapped in their position right now. grad school is by definition a transitory space. Here comes another huge transition since the one just two years ago, and when it's over i'll have no idea where i belong in the world or to whom i belong. i wish i smoked because i think a cigarette would do me good.
Whenever i have fits of mental discomfort, i image i'm made of hard-boiled egg and slice myself in one of these.
