Do you ever wish you weren't anywhere at all? It's a strange and distinct feeling that I usually get it upon returning from a trip. I don't want to be back on vacation but I also don't want to be where I live. I stepped into an imaginary life, quite different from my own, and it changed me. But my home didn't change, and so I don't quite fit there any more.
Right now everything is in flux and I don't fit anywhere. My life is a puzzle and the pieces keep shifting around. Even though I haven't moved, I'm suddenly surrounded by forest instead of sky. I don't want to run away to anywhere. I just want to press pause and step outside it for a while...take a break from all of the drama and hang out on a cloud? Are there hammocks in heaven?
My insides are all stirred up as my blood pumps too many conflicting emotions. I typically keep my feelings in check, but the continued uncertainty of my situation finally unleashed them. Now they run wild as my rationality watches from the sidelines. Maybe I don't let myself feel enough. Maybe I'm too quick to write off my emotions. Maybe this is healthy?
I just feel insecure in the most literal sense. I can't trust the ground beneath my feet or the people I'm used to counting on. I don't know when my new job is going to start for sure and my current one has a definite end date. Things are out of my control...there's nothing I can do about it. I suppose the only option is to laugh about the bad stuff, acknowledge the hard stuff, and enjoy the good stuff. And take a trip to my sky hammock every now and then :)
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
