Without a fight

Who knew happiness could be so quiet?

I don't consider myself an argumentative person by nature -- maybe some of you would disagree. I've definitely gone through phases where I like to argue, but I suppose I'm out of that now. Even in class I find myself without anything to add to debates about modernism, post modernism, and ethics (some of my favorites!). Maybe I'm not down with the format of asserting myself in an interrupting manner whenever the prof says anything that could be argued with. I'm all about meaningful debate, but I guess I prefer to hear what profs have to say, and decide what I think about it, before interrupting class time to bloviate at length for my own egotistical satisfaction. But I digress.

On the one hand, I find myself without any desire to argue and I wonder if I should be concerned. I don't feel like enforcing my ideas on anyone else. I don't feel like fighting for ideals. I don't feel impassioned about anything in particular. Perhaps this is an offshoot of my previous post. I haven't sorted through all this stuff in depth on my own so I'm not quite sure what I think anymore.

Perhaps more disconcertingly, I don't feel like fighting with other people cuz I'm not sure what I want to fight for. I'm struggling to reconcile myself to a number of disparate beliefs that I once believed concretely. Or rather, I'm currently questioning previously concrete components of my identity (good sentence, no?). I once wanted to be a city planner. I still do. But now I don't know what that really means. I once considered myself a Christian. I still do. But now I don't know what that means, or if I really like what that means. I once wanted to be in love. I still do but...I once wanted to get married, I once wanted to move around the world, I once wanted ... It goes on like this. I fear I don't have much fight in me, not only because I don't know what I want, but I don't know if I know who I am? These things I knew I wanted in a way defined me. Now I don't know how to define myself. That sounds melodramatic. I'm not sure if it's true. Ha.

On the other hand, at least in the context of a relationship, it's so nice to not have to fight. I like being able to enjoy things, and share that enjoyment without having to logically justify my enjoyment. I like having someone else just get it. I like just getting someone else. I like not having to fill every moment of silence with something. Shared silence is quite a lovely something that is all too often ruined with weightless words.

I think one of the most beautiful parts of an amazing Thanksgiving break was reading newspapers on a Starbucks couch, passing favorite articles between us. As I've said before, sometimes I tend to get too caught up in my head. It was amazing to spend time with someone whose presence magically makes all those stupid internal debates disappear. For the entire week, it was like someone hit the mute button inside my head. So as we read the Times and the Tribune, I heard silence and rustling pages, and Starbucks' token world-music-of-the-week album, and the prose of some wonderful Tribune staff writer -- instead of an internal monologue droning on about which of Jameson's four quadrants I fall into.

Now that I'm back to the real world, my self-imposed esoteric dilemmas are back to hashing themselves out in the space between my ears while I vainly try to get work done. But in the same vein as above, it's nice to have someone send me an NPR show they happened to come across which they think I'd like. Those small tokens of affection somehow possess that same peace which reminds me why I'm here and what I'm doing and who I am when I'm not muddling through theory and history and computer programming.

I suppose thoughts of the previous week's loveliness will have to get me through two more weeks of school work. I'm now transcending stress and just enjoying learning (or trying to. I was mad zen-like earlier today! With a deadline tomorrow morning I wonder how long it'll last...) Regardless, Christmas break isn't so far away and I've never looked forward to it more.

If you're reading this, I love you.

<3
K