It's a hideous day and I couldn't be happier

Dearest friends,
It is done. The week of madness has come to an end.

I've learned a few lessons this week, but it seems they were simmering under the surface while my cognitive mind was too busy to synthesize them. First of all, I am capable of working ahead, and I must work ahead even more now than ever before. Second, working on a project with plenty of time can be a pleasureable experience. I can actually enjoy what I'm learning rather than feeling stressed and hurried. Internalizing my work should be my goal, not just completing the assignment as quickly as possible. Third, and this is much to my chagrin, I don't have the time to be a perfectionist. There's seriously too much to be done to do things as perfectly as I'd like to. I'm not used to this. Perhaps my desire for perfection will force me to work more efficiently so I can churn out the best possible products in an allotted time. Fourth, this week feels like a rite of passage. I've gone through the fire, and regardless of the outcomes, I have succeeded at least a little.

Fifth, it is cold and cloudy today and I love it. LOVE IT. Why is this? Just finishing the test didn't cause my happiness. I was content after the test, and then I went to the computer lab and worked on a few things. But I was not ecstatic til on my bike ride home my nose got cold and my fingers got clammy on the handle bars. I was flooded with joy. But why? I think I finally feel settled. All summer long I was partially here and partially at home. I kept relating the warmth and the summer to what I was missing. I think I subconsiously knew summer was ephemeral and that was hanging over me, like uncertainty and change were just around the corner and they were going to take me by surprise. The advent of the cold feels like I'm settled. I'm here. I belong here. Friendships are getting a bit more settled. Patterns are becoming established.

Mmm...yes, that's an important realization of the day. I'm forming habits. I'm learning how to organize time, learning when to socialize with friends, alloting time for relaxation. Habits feel good. Habits make me feel permanent rather than transient. My perceptions of self, time, space, friends, work and their interrelations are all changing. College for me was forming complex relationships with friends and learning about myself in the process. I internalized my school learning through informal conversations with my friends. Grad school for me is forming complex relationships with different kinds of work and in the process adapting myself to the material and the time constraints. I'm learning my limits and challenging my capacities. It feels very individualistic. I don't know how I feel about that.

Wow. Writing certainly helps one to sort thoughts, no? I hope this is somewhat sensical as my brain is kinda fried. In any case, for your prayers, thoughts, and pump-up songs this week, I thank and love you all.

-Kristin