Making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us

Just finished a panel discussion on slum upgrading. The panelists were incredibly established in their fields and accordingly intelligent. I can't ever attend these things without leaving inspired. Even though the problems are staggering and potentially depressing, they're also laden with hope. It's fascinating to see how well people can help themselves with so few resources. It makes me feel lucky and lazy, and therefore liable to be part of the solution.

A recent conversation with a friend revealed to me that not all people care about changing the world. Not everyone has such lofty aspirations. This isn't to sound like I'm really great because I do want to change the world. But rather I feel that because I care (and not as many people care as I previously thought) I have to do something about it. That makes me feel hopeful and accountable and directed.

It also makes me hopeful about my field again. Last semester I was down on planners because historically they have fucked up some cities (i.e. urban renewal). Or else, they've been impotent suckers stuck in big city bureaucracies. But what all of these experts are telling us is "We need city planners because you guys see the big picture." According to these international housing experts and CEO's and World Bank employees, economists and engineers problem solve in ways that don't account for social complexities. So they like us and they need us because essentially, we're generalists.

That feels good. I am a generalist. And up until recently I thought that was a bad thing. I like people and I like science and literature and art, dammit. I'm not sorry for it anymore. As far as talent goes, I don't have much stacked up in any one area, but I've got a little in a lot of different areas, and hopefully that'll be worth something in this field.

Those feelings are reassuring because I've been feeling lost again. This time around though, I don't feel the urgent sense of needing to be found. I'm resigned to it; I'm indifferent about it. I'm changing and I don't know how but I know that I'm different. It makes me feel dishonest or rather, incapable of being honest, because I don't know what is true.

I'm getting confident in my uncertainty. I realize that's dangerous. I fear my new moral-free decisions will be regrets once my conscience comes back. I'm getting assertive. I'm getting blasé. I wonder if I really feel grown-up or if I'm just acting how I think people my age or in my position are supposed to act.

The confidence helps with school though. Last week I turned in my resume and design portfolio for my Urban Design Methods class, complete with three terms which describe my design identity: contextual, comprehensive, catalytic. I used alliteration and I presumptuously claimed to be catalytic. I'm not sorry. We included a page which describes how our layout format embodies our three terms as well as our explanations for choosing them. I explained that while I haven't designed anything catalytic as of yet, I intend to. Those words may not yet be my design identity, but I intend them to be once I'm done here. And I designed my shit the way I wanted, rather than the way my professor might've liked. He's all about stark simplicity - "clean" is his one design term. I respect that, but I had to do it the way I wanted. I don't think it's cluttered or over-designed. I definitely care about criticism and look forward to feedback. Critique is the only way that one can improve. This time around though, (as opposed to in studio art in undergrad), I'm not afraid of not being cool or progressive enough for my professors. I am what I am and I think what I think. By the end of this schoolin' those things will be refined but the basics are established.

I guess I'm progressing professionally. I'm undoubtedly changing personally, but I don't know whether it's for the better or worse. Actually, if I don't know, it's probably for the worst. Oh well. I don't feel much about it at the moment.

I believe in God still, and the person of Jesus is too amazing to doubt. Those are intact. I can't bring myself to go to church. If I could just listen to talented musicians playing incredible arrangements all day I would do that. But I can't. I don't buy much of the rest of it.

One thought keeps resounding in my head, from the movie Paris, Je T'aime. "By acting like a man in love, he became a man in love." This a beautiful thought that might be true. I wonder if I should seek God in this season of Lent, in an according manner and see what I find. I don't really know how to seek tho. I'll ruminate more and decide later.