Hey friends,

So another school year is coming to an end. It's crunch time, but not crunchy enough that I'm freakin' out yet (hence me writing this blog). In any case, I just realized I'm going to be home in about a month. It's going to be summer again. I simultaneously feel like summer just happened and that summer was a lifetime ago. I feel like I've lived about three lives in the last year: Calvin, summer, and Penn. I'm happy with the one I'm in now. I wouldn't want to go back to anything I've been before. I think I'm on the right track life-wise, even though I never anticipated the way things have shaken out. I never thought I'd doubt the things I've doubted. I never thought I'd decide what I've decided. Maybe the first lent itself to the second. This time around though I've owned my actions. I'm not lying anymore, to myself or anyone else. So word to that.

Who knows what summer holds? Waiting to hear back on an internship opportunity. Don't want to talk about it yet for fear of jinxing it. Trying to keep my hopes down. Sigh. Wherever I end up this summer, I don't know if I can handle any more lifetimes. So much change is overwhelming.

Despite the different lives, some patterns emerge. For example, I have a boy problem. I always thought I just fell into relationships without looking for them because I wasn't assertive enough to know what I wanted/didn't want. While I've become more discerning in my taste, it's no coincidence that I'm always in a relationship. Because I don't know how to be friends with girls I just become friends with guys. It's way easier, it makes more sense to me, I'm more comfortable. And then that always ends up somewhere. It's a strange deficiency. I could probably teach a class on dating but I need a class on making friends.

I'm having a hard time foreseeing my future. I'm failing to connect my present actions with possible future consequences. I'm living in the now. How lame that sounds. I don't even know how to picture a future or where or with whom.

Life goes by pretty fast. I always indulge myself in brief moments of perfection. I wish I was brave enough to look at the big picture.

Until we meet again,

-k