La Vita è bella

Sometimes life is too beautiful to comprehend. Maybe it always is, but only on occasion does the gravity of everything, the weight of existence, the overwhelming barrage of sights and sounds to be perceived break through...Sometimes it makes me so happy that I hurt. Or so sorry that I can't possibly deserve to live. Sometimes I fear I wouldn't trade earth for heaven.

The combination of sunshine and city permeates my self-protecting tunnel vision and I can't help but be hit by everything around me. I love the sound of the cars outside my window, the wind whipping through the row houses, the bite of cold as I run from home to ballet and back. Yesterday the sky was palest blue with chalk dust sprinkled on top and I swear I've never seen sunlight so white. It made the city look clean. It made me want to be clean.

I bought sandwich supplies for a homeless guy the other day. In my quest to find God or religion or faith I figured I could start with what I know: Jesus was cool and he loved everyone. It's pretty simple. Love is never hard to give. Or it shouldn't be. I was walking home and he asked me for food. So we went to Wawa and he picked liverwurst and rolls and american cheese. He told me about getting kicked out and how he was supposed to go to a shelter...none of it made much sense but sandwiches make sense. Afterward he wanted money for tokens. He smelled like alcohol. I gave him some change and told him God loved him. He said he knew. His name was Mark. I wish him well.

I guess Jesus would probably have brought Mark home with him until he got back on his feet. I'm not quite there yet. Actually, who knows what Jesus would've done? I'm kind of frustrated with the people who presume they know what God wants, so I guess I shouldn't do the same.

This weekend was the calm before the storm. I relaxed and had fun and cooked and cleaned and made some art. I thought a bit about life and love, but not too much. My dilemma at the moment is this: which is worse, the action of doing something wrong, or the fact that you can justify it to yourself afterward?