I suppose a new year calls for reflection. For perhaps the first time, this year feels like a marked departure from the previous one. School, friends, family, relationships between myself and those people, have all changed considerably from last year. I think the biggest change is faith. I believe in God definitely and Jesus also, and I'm into the Bible, but...I just don't buy anything else. I'm not sure what I believe and consequently I'm not sure how to translate that belief into guidelines for my life. Beyond the obvious things like treating others as I'd like to be treated, I don't know how to apply faith to general life, like propriety in relationships for example. I don't know what my faith is, but even if i did, i think i'd reject all the traditions.
so first. i'm over religion (not faith). this shakes my worldview. i'm lost. this isn't new. but the point is...what's the point? the point is we're defined not by our beliefs but by our actions. it doesn't matter what one thinks is true if she doesn't act accordingly. I need to define myself this year. find myself. i think it starts with being decisive. by that i mean i need to own my actions. i need to be proactive in determining my own fate. letting others decide for me or being too afraid to assert my feelings had caused me nothing but strife in the past. whatever befalls me should do so because i chose it. and i'm going to be alright with what i choose. i'll try to choose rightly according to my newfound lack of guiding morals. yes. the year of decision.
second. i feel old. twenty-two sounds kind of young but i feel like an adult. a grownup. i feel like the weight of my future is constantly upon me. like every decision i make is going to be a permanent one. career, city, love, faith. that's scary. i know i can't decide uncertainty away. i know i can't make all the right decisions. i know my decisions don't have be permanent, but they feel it. eww life feels so serious.
third. death. i lost my Grandma Vi around this time last year and now Grandma Betty's in the hospital. This sucks. I don't want them to die. ever. my life is not complete without them. death is permanent and i'm not into that.
i'm tired.
4 comments:
Kristin,
i would echo a lot of what you have to say about faith. i'm not sure if the things i'm about to say completely apply in your case, but it's where i'm right now.
it is not too hard for me to accept the divine in the world in the form of a transcendent God or "that which is more than meets the eye."
understanding and applying the tradition i was born with--the Christian God who sent his son to die for me--is much more complicated.
i listen to a public radio podcast called speaking of faith. it recently had Jean Vanier as a guest. Vanier lived with disabled people his whole life and has set up many communities for the disabled around the world. people often compare him to Mother Teresa. here are some of the things he said that i like:
We are very fragile in front of the future. Accidents and sicknesses is the reality. We are born in extreme weakness and our life will end in extreme weakness.
i heard some uncertainty of the future in your post. i just got back to Long Beach after some time at home and feel a bit direction-less and insecure. i think Vanier's encouragement to recognize, love, and accept my own weakness and uncertainty is freeing.
You see, the big thing for me is to love reality and not live in the imagination, not live in what could have been or what should have been or what can be, and somewhere, to love reality and then discover that God is present.
this is really comforting to me right now too. i'm not where i want to be in knowing God, but that's the reality at this moment and it probably won't change overnight. this also helps me when i get down on myself for not working as hard as i should or being impatient because things are not happening as fast as i want them too.
what Vanier says here is more about coming to terms with the way things are than envisioning the way things could or should be. talk about a counter-new years message.
for me it is important to keep trying to communicate with God. if, as Revelations says, God is there knocking at the door of my heart, then i want to give him a chance to move in or tell me he's already there. as of late, this means sitting still before bed talking out loud to God, and giving him a chance to talk. sometimes he's pretty quiet but i always have a lot to say to him.
Hi Kristin.
Hi Brian.
I miss you guys. It sounds like such a cliche but it's so true that self-discovery and God-discovery are tied up with the friendships and relationships we find ourselves pursuing. I'm looking forward to the possibility seeing each of you in The near future.
Brian, when are you gonna be in the area?
love, Isaac
Isaac!
So true, my friend. I miss you too and the good conversations with good people that college brought.
I don't have a plane ticket yet, but it will probably be as early as a week from now and as late as a couple of weeks from now. I'll keep you in the loop :).
Brian
Hello everyone. I am really looking forward to hanging out with you soon, and hopefully CB very soon as well.
Kristin, I am really sorry to hear about G-ma Betty. I'll be praying for her.
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