We all fall down

I hate fall. Most of my friends know this well. I'm trying to figure out why I hate it so when everyone else loves it. I've come to the following conclusions:

1. Evolutionary Psychology

For millions of years, humans feared impending winter because they may or may not have enough food/warmth to survive. During the autumn harvest our ancestors assessed whether they had enough crops and livestock to make it through the coming cold months. So it's scary in my bones because fall = beginning of winter = possibly impending doom

2. Fear of School/Work

Fall = school (until this year). School = work. Work = anxiety. Throughout my education, I was flooded with anxiety whenever I got an intense homework assignment. The best illustration was in third grade. My teacher was kind of an ice queen bitch, although I didn't realize this at the time. (She had all our names on the board with two stars next to each. If we did something wrong or didn't do our homework we'd have to erase a star. So much pressure and public humiliation!) Anyway, whenever I got homework in that class I distinctly remember pushing it behind my bed. I don't know why I thought this would solve the problem. I had tons and tons of papers behind my bed. I thought I could ignore them if I couldn't see them. All the way through grad school I would put off doing intense projects for as long as I could, feeling anxiety about them all the while. The funny thing is, actual school work has never been hard for me and I've always gotten good grades. And once I start doing the work it was usually fun and enjoyable. Maybe I just hate things hanging over my head?

3. Fear of Future/The Unknown

Following from fall=ing school, fall marks the new year for me. (I know January 1st is technically the new year but anyone who's gone to school for 20 years knows that it's actually around September 1. Who starts a new job or moves somewhere new in January? No one. Arbitrary, false new year.) Anyway...when starting school you never know who your friends will be or how your classes will go or whether you'll make the team or the play. Your life rhythms haven't been set. And without rhythm life is scary.

Now that fear is magnified cuz I do have a rhythm and it primarily involves pajamas, tea and television. I thought I'd be settled w/ a job by now and I'm obviously not - which is ok...I'm sure I'll get one soon. But I'm also thinking of alternate options and whether I should give myself deadlines before I give up on planning and become a waitress or an Indonesian medicine woman. Fall was my intended deadline for...having some sort of plan? Here it is. I'm still planless.

In conclusion, I'm not really as worried as this all sounds. Generally I internalize my worries without consciously realizing what that feeling in the pit of my stomach is all about. I feel pretty at peace at the moment, despite limited prospects. I just wonder how long to feel peaceful before I go crazy and run away somewhere. Wanna run away with me?

Thanks for reading,

-K