Nowhere

Do you ever wish you weren't anywhere at all?  It's a strange and distinct feeling that I usually get it upon returning from a trip. I don't want to be back on vacation but I also don't want to be where I live.  I stepped into an imaginary life, quite different from my own, and it changed me. But my home didn't change, and so I don't quite fit there any more.

Right now everything is in flux and I don't fit anywhere.  My life is a puzzle and the pieces keep shifting around. Even though I haven't moved, I'm suddenly surrounded by forest instead of sky.  I don't want to run away to anywhere.  I just want to press pause and step outside it for a while...take a break from all of the drama and hang out on a cloud?  Are there hammocks in heaven?

My insides are all stirred up as my blood pumps too many conflicting emotions.  I typically keep my feelings in check, but the continued uncertainty of my situation finally unleashed them.  Now they run wild as my rationality watches from the sidelines.  Maybe I don't let myself feel enough.  Maybe I'm too quick to write off my emotions.  Maybe this is healthy?

I just feel insecure in the most literal sense.  I can't trust the ground beneath my feet or the people I'm used to counting on.  I don't know when my new job is going to start for sure and my current one has a definite end date.  Things are out of my control...there's nothing I can do about it.  I suppose the only option is to laugh about the bad stuff, acknowledge the hard stuff, and enjoy the good stuff.  And take a trip to my sky hammock every now and then :)


"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

Thankfulness

My favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner is when we go around the table and say what we're thankful for.  I know it can be cheesy, but vocalizing the blessings you've received is an incredibly humbling and enlightening experience.  This year my big thanks was for things not going according to plan.  Given my profession, I obviously have lists of far-reaching strategies for each next step in my life. After grad school I expected to be starting over in some new city with some fancy new job, not working two sorta planning jobs back in Michigan.  But only because things went unaccordingly did I get to run the Turkey Trot downtown after not enough sleep, spend two Thanksgiving dinners with wonderful people, play the guitar in a trio, play board games that I previously thought too difficult, and spend memorable times with my best friend and her (my second) family.  In these last few unexpected months, I've been blessed by closer relationships and unbridled happiness because of them. I sometimes get too hung up on my career path - afraid that I'll lose it all if one step is in the wrong direction.  The non-plan is teaching me patience, and reminding me that sometimes we need to be built up by people who love us before we're ready to go chase the next dream.

People who know me well know that I experience occassional "moments of perfection" where I can feel every one of my five senses and the world seems flawless and heavenly for its mundanity.  This quotation explains that more eloquently than I ever could:

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

I'm thankful that I believe in a God that I can thank.  Every breath in my lungs, step that I take, color I perceive, and person I love feels like a gift and a promise that there's still some reason that I'm alive.  I get all of these wonderful sensations of life every day, knowing that I'm receiving them so I can give something back.  Gratitude is pretty grand. 

One thing

As I wait around in Michigan, filling my days with potentially worthwhile activities, I wonder where to go from here.  After a few job interviews I have some prospects (all in Mich).  But I wonder whether I should take the first thing that comes along or hold out for my dream job.  Right now I'm pretty comfortable as far as the necessities of life go.  But my passion and my ambition are all welling up and pissed off and ready to change the world.  As nice as it is to be "home," I think this stay is coming to a close.  I know my family wants me to settle around here, and someday maybe I'll be back.  But I want so much more than a comfortable life.  I don't trust comfort.  It lures you into laziness.  It dulls your ambition.  It keeps you from creating. 

One of my friends has this philosophy on life: you can only have one thing that is your number one priority.  I tried to argue with him at first - I mean, can't you have a career and a family that are equally important to you?  The answer is no.  One of them has to come first.  You can fit a lot of things into your day and therefore a lot of priorities onto your list, but at the end of all of it you can only chase one dream at a time.  That one dream determines your life's direction.  You can follow the boy/girl of your affection to a new place, or you can follow your career somewhere else.  Dreams can coincide but they require someone to compromise something else. 

I dunno what my one thing is.  I think it's a career...or maybe just freedom?   I want to make the world better - that's why I want a career.  I want money so I can be free.  To me freedom = not needing a car, being able to pay student loans, and going on lots of adventures.  The question is how long do I sit in comfort before chasing these dreams?  Is someone going to drop the opportunity in my lap, or do I need the pressure of uncertainty to get myself going?

Ah the coffee-induced musings of a Monday morning.

Love you for reading,

K

We all fall down

I hate fall. Most of my friends know this well. I'm trying to figure out why I hate it so when everyone else loves it. I've come to the following conclusions:

1. Evolutionary Psychology

For millions of years, humans feared impending winter because they may or may not have enough food/warmth to survive. During the autumn harvest our ancestors assessed whether they had enough crops and livestock to make it through the coming cold months. So it's scary in my bones because fall = beginning of winter = possibly impending doom

2. Fear of School/Work

Fall = school (until this year). School = work. Work = anxiety. Throughout my education, I was flooded with anxiety whenever I got an intense homework assignment. The best illustration was in third grade. My teacher was kind of an ice queen bitch, although I didn't realize this at the time. (She had all our names on the board with two stars next to each. If we did something wrong or didn't do our homework we'd have to erase a star. So much pressure and public humiliation!) Anyway, whenever I got homework in that class I distinctly remember pushing it behind my bed. I don't know why I thought this would solve the problem. I had tons and tons of papers behind my bed. I thought I could ignore them if I couldn't see them. All the way through grad school I would put off doing intense projects for as long as I could, feeling anxiety about them all the while. The funny thing is, actual school work has never been hard for me and I've always gotten good grades. And once I start doing the work it was usually fun and enjoyable. Maybe I just hate things hanging over my head?

3. Fear of Future/The Unknown

Following from fall=ing school, fall marks the new year for me. (I know January 1st is technically the new year but anyone who's gone to school for 20 years knows that it's actually around September 1. Who starts a new job or moves somewhere new in January? No one. Arbitrary, false new year.) Anyway...when starting school you never know who your friends will be or how your classes will go or whether you'll make the team or the play. Your life rhythms haven't been set. And without rhythm life is scary.

Now that fear is magnified cuz I do have a rhythm and it primarily involves pajamas, tea and television. I thought I'd be settled w/ a job by now and I'm obviously not - which is ok...I'm sure I'll get one soon. But I'm also thinking of alternate options and whether I should give myself deadlines before I give up on planning and become a waitress or an Indonesian medicine woman. Fall was my intended deadline for...having some sort of plan? Here it is. I'm still planless.

In conclusion, I'm not really as worried as this all sounds. Generally I internalize my worries without consciously realizing what that feeling in the pit of my stomach is all about. I feel pretty at peace at the moment, despite limited prospects. I just wonder how long to feel peaceful before I go crazy and run away somewhere. Wanna run away with me?

Thanks for reading,

-K

A long time coming

I've been meaning to write a blog for a while, mostly about where I am right now...both figuratively and literally. Said phase started about a month and a half ago when driving back to Michigan (defeated) from Philly by way of Boston. Crossing the Canadian border, car stuffed to the ceiling with all my possessions, I hoped silently that I wouldn't be searched or asked any difficult questions. Apparently I couldn't even field the easy ones because "Where do you live?" took me by surprise and I hardly had any sensible answer to give. "Well you see I don't have an address right now because I'm moving back to my parents' house from Philadelphia where I used to live when I was in grad school but now I've graduated and I don't have a job so I'm ...." Unfortunately that sentence isn't an exaggeration. I was incoherent. They were merciful.

Almost two months later, I'm still trying to answer that question. Each sent application leaves a new dream in its wake of my possible new life in whatever random place - NYC or Arlington, VA or West Hollywood. I've got a few promising things in the works but no strong idea of where I'll be next. This transition zone is nothing new however. For the last two years I've been deferring other decisions because of grad school. "I'll figure that out once I graduate and get a job." The job was supposed to be the thing that put me where I'm supposed to be. Now there is no job, and I'm living in nowheresville (the suburbs) just waiting for the call that will send me away to the future or present where I belong.

Some of my friends coupled during grad school and chose their new destinations together. Other friends picked a city and decided to go there no matter what. They prioritized the place or the relationship over the blank career possibilities and seem to be content with those choices. I wonder whether I'm going about this the right way. I feel like my self-proclaimed transitionary stage just enabled my cowardice on other decisions. I haven't decided where I want to be or who I want to be with. In the last two years I acted in ways that didn't accurately reflect myself but oh well, I was transitioning right? It sounds like bs.

I really think that the world is changing all the time. Our mobile, noncommittal generation may indeed be able to change their lives at the drop of a hat - but all any of us really want is something real to stay still. I think it takes more courage to say "I want this one thing no matter what, even if everything else changes. I want him or her with me or I want to be with my family or I want to live in NYC or ... I want to be president someday.

Maybe it sounds crazy, but maybe choosing something other than your job is the best impetus for the next step of life. The real risk is admitting that you want something more permanent than a job. Jobs change every couple of years. What if you pick a relationship and say, hell, I want to give this a real shot. Or jaysis, I'd rather be close to home so I can be an aunty. Or I have to live in New York before I'm thirty. Or I want to be president and everything I do from here on out will be for that. Jobs (even in this economy) will always be around. The real risks are the chances at relationships or dreams that you might never get again. In any case, maybe we should just go for it - with or without the security (paycheck) that we'd hoped for.

Seven days of rain...

Yet another rainy day
Hair inflates like a balloon
Soul shrinks like steamed spinach

On falling apart

Life is falling apart.  Not to be dramatic.  chuckle chuckle.  the sun still seems to be shining but some invisible economy is crumbling.  bad guys are taking all the money for themselves and we're all losing our jobs.  but we have magic machines in our pockets which allow us to connect to anyone, anywhere, in an instant.  we can see other worlds instantly.  we can get on flying machines that actually take us anywhere in the world in a matter of hours.  life is a strange juxtaposition of what we feel and what we've heard is actually happening.  the magic that is the reality of our lives is lost compared to the ever-impending dark clouds of fear.

i am a part of this mess.  i am falling apart while trying to hold it together.  everything means everything and nothing.  i care so much that i don't care at all.  i want to run away from everything i know but i'm scared to death of starting over all over again.  i envy those friends who are settled, or at least more settled than i.  i envy their relationship security, their teamwork, their intimacy.  and yet i would feel entirely stifled and trapped in their position right now.  grad school is by definition a transitory space.  Here comes another huge transition since the one just two years ago, and when it's over i'll have no idea where i belong in the world or to whom i belong.  i wish i smoked because i think a cigarette would do me good.

Whenever i have fits of mental discomfort, i image i'm made of hard-boiled egg and slice myself in one of these.

  

Hi all,

I've got a relatively fun post for today.  My friend Paddytime sent me this questionnaire from 'Inside the Actor's Studio' with James Lipton.  It was actually pretty hard to think of answers.  Anyway, here goes.

What is your favorite word?  Design

What is your least favorite word? Moist

What turns you on?  A good vocabulary

What turns you off?  Macho-ness

What sound or noise do you love?  Summer wind rustling the leaves of deciduous trees

What sound or noise do you hate?  My alarm clock during childhood

What is your favorite curse word? Friggity frack

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Actress

What profession would you not like to do? Lawyer

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?  I'm glad to see you, but everyone gets in :)

The old man and the father gazelle

But, thank God, they are not as intelligent as we who kill them; although they are more noble and more able.

'I'll kill him though,' he said.  'In all his greatness and his glory.' Although it is unjust, he thought.  But I will show him what a man can do and what a man endures.

He always thought of the sea as la mar which is what people call her in Spanish when they love her...the old man always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favors, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them.

But it is good that we do not have to try to kill the sun or the moon or the stars.  It is enough to live on the sea and kill our true brothers.

Besides, he thought, everything kills everything else in some way.  Fishing kills me exactly as it keeps me alive.

'Ay,' he said aloud.  There is no translation for this word and perhaps it is just a noise such as a man might make, involuntarily, feeling the nail go through his hands and into the wood.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I woke up at 5:30 this morning after a 24-hour trip back from Abu Dhabi.  One of our stops on the trip was a fishmarket.  I bought The Old Man and the Sea at the airport in Frankfurt on the way home.  I read it this morning as the sun came up.  These are some of my favorite quotations.  If you haven't read it you should.  More on Abu Dhabi to come.

Tuesday Haiku

Public radio morning

Sky spitting snowflakes

Wish you were holding my hand

Inspiration

I bought my first piece of signed art today. My fam was walking around Downtown Naples and happened upon the annual art fair. Most of the art was bad but the artists weren't talentless; they just made boring, insipid art. I guess one has to consider the audience - a bunch of wealthy old people probably don't want anything revolutionary hanging on their wall. Anyway, seeing all that stuff reminded me how much I like to make art and how I could make better art than a lot of that; art that people still might want to own.

This all tied in with this week's conversations between my brother and me. Rick's pretty knowledgeable on economics and unabashedly libertarian. He says the economic situation will force people to stop consuming and start conserving. Instead of throwing away a torn shirt you'll take it to a seamstress for example. He also thinks people will become entrepreneurs again. They'll lose their jobs and be forced to create products or services that fill a need. I've had some good ideas that I thought would make money before. But those ideas have never come to fruition because the risk required to realize them was too great. I wonder if getting pushed out of comfortable jobs will force people to wager what they wouldn't before. Perhaps the results will be innovative and fantastic.

Which brings me back to art. It's something I couldn't risk before and the pressure of it made me hate doing it. Now that I'm away from it, I realize I might have some talent, and I might have some good ideas. I bought that picture because it was the first one of the artist's that caught my eye. Michael Bryant is his name. He does the double exposures all in camera, so he's got no idea how they'll come out until he develops the film. I guess it just reminds me that life operates in strange cycles. Sometimes you think you're just going around the same circle all the time and nothing's going anywhere. Then all of a sudden you're someone new, and you're in some new place, and your whole life is different. But at the same time, whatever it is that makes you you is unchanged and you can't escape from it. Nor would you want to.

"plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose"

Hi everyone,

I don't have a transcendent topic for today so I'll just update you.  

1.  I think I won my bout with insomnia.  Two days in a row I've been able to sleep! Hurray.  It might be too soon to call it, but I'm pretty sure it's school/stress related.

2.  I'm going to Abu Dhabi for studio next semester.  Yep I'm pretty psyched.

3.  I don't know what I'm doing with my life. 

4.  I have a gay husband via common law.

5.  My family is getting together in Florida for Christmas and my bro is coming sans gf.  Word.

6. The future, and how my present choices are impacting that future, and how the future does or doesn't influence my present choices, scare me.

Making lists is illuminating.

Sorry for being euphemistic. 

<3 

krayon

Dear World,

If you haven't noticed, things are going pretty badly.  Crime is up in the U.S., terrorism is breaking out all over the world.  I'm writing to you to plead with you.  I'm writing to say we can do better than this.  We have to do better than this.  If we've learned anything from these past eight years, it's that we can't fight terrorism with guns and soldiers.  We can't fight terrorism with strategies or threats.  Terrorism is a tactic and what's defined as "terrorism" is subject to whoever is defining it.  Terrorism comes from hate.  And a lot of the time that hate is understandable.  People have been repressed, abused, and their basic humanity trampled. These injustices breed hate.  And hate leads to violence.  So far our strategy to fight this hate has been more hate.  More violence.  Apparently violence only leads to more violence.  Who knew?

We are very much like animals really.  Dogs bite when they've been abused and they're scared.  We do the same thing. We lash out when we feel this is our only chance to fight back and the world has hurt us enough that we think our cowardly way is justified.

So what I propose is pretty simple and cliche.  I propose peace and I propose love.  I think at our most basic level every human being prefers peace to war, and safety to fear.  We would rather be hugged than punched and we would rather laugh than cry.  Every mother would rather raise her child in a place where he is safe than a war zone where bullets are flying.  We are not such complex creatures really.  

Hate makes us forget what we are, or rather, what others are. Hate makes us forget the humanity in others.  Hate convinces us that they are less human or less deserving of life.  Hate makes us forget that they laugh and cry and have families and memories and souls.  Hate is a powerful, terrible thing.  Hate is the only thing that could convince terrorists to kill at least 125 people in India, or cause such civil unrest in Somalia.  

But we were not born creatures of hate.  Undoubtedly love has been and can continue to be more powerful than hate.  What if we could pause this mess and look each of these gunmen in the eye, ask them what they want, ask why they're doing what they're doing, tell them there's a better way, and that God loves them, and that they don't have to do this.  Maybe they'd keep shooting, maybe not.  I hope that if we could separate these killers from their group mentality they'd come to their senses.  I still believe the humanity in their eyes is the same as that in mine.  

Life isn't so black and white unfortunately.  I can't comprehend what could drive people to kill, but I'm sure there's some twisted logic and a chain of events behind it.  But I'd say any time hate drives us to do anything, it's wrong.  The result of injustice need not always be hate - instead we could strive for justice.  There's a difference between revenge and a longing to make things right.  Revenge is reactionary, forgiveness is revolutionary.

So what I propose is this and it starts with each of us.  What if every time someone pissed us off, cut us off, wronged, hurt, teased, or cheated us - what if we put ourselves in their shoes.  What if we said "Yeah that sucks, but they're just doing this because they've had a bad day or because their mom is in the hospital or they lost their job."  What if we began with forgiveness instead of hate.  What if we really put their predicaments over our own hurt pride?  I think Jesus was the only person who really pulled this off.  What's crazy is that before Jesus there was no forgiveness.  There was no getting something for nothing.  Every wrong had to be righted through penance and sacrifice.  But since he showed up, there's no need for revenge or reciprocation.  He's got it covered.  Now we're free to forgive.  And forgiveness can only come from love.  

So there we have it.  If we forgive and love others we're free to live our lives and work for peace.  All the good things are connected, and so are the bad things.  If we don't forgive then we can hate.  Hate makes us want revenge.  Hate convinces us that others aren't human so violence is ok.  But revenge never rights anything.  It just makes things more wrong.

This isn't really a solution for terrorism now.  I don't know how to stop that.  I don't know how to stop things on a global scale.  All I know is change starts with each of us, and love never fails.  So...what do you think world?  You want to do better?  Because I know I do.  I love you.

-k

Favorite things

Fat squirrels

Smiles to/from strangers

Artists with angelic voices (Alison Krauss, The Wailin' Jennys, Sarah MacLaughlin) 

Staying in bed too long when it's cold

Slow, quiet, late breakfast with coffee and the paper

Finding lost things

Losing found things?

Flannel pajamas

Phillies Win.

So for those of you who've been living under a rock for the last weekend, the Phillies won the World Series!  I'm still a loyal Cubs fan of course, but it was never-the-less exciting to be here for this historic victory.  My post may be trite but as it speaks to both city planning and Philadelphia issues, I'll continue.

Sports bring people together.  At first it sounds like a shallow connection: I like the Phillies and so do you, what's your point?  However, this weekend's post-victory events revealed some of sports' deeper virtues.  

The love of a team transcends demographics.  On Wednesday night after the Phillies win, my two friends and I sprinted from a bar in West Phila. to catch the first cab or bus that would take us downtown.  Plenty of others had the same idea, and as we stood at the corner every single car that passed honked its horn.  People hung out of car windows to slap hands with those outside.  We jumped up and down and yelled and cheered with each other "Go Phils!"  White kids, black kids, young kids, old kids, women, men, everyone, all of us, the whole city was so excited that nothing else mattered.  James and Matt and I couldn't wait any longer so we just started running down the street.  We ran about 6 blocks before we caught a bus to take us to Broad street.  The street was filled.  Packed.  Everyone was chanting and laughing and giving each other five.  Nothing mattered except for a mutual victory.  It wasn't just for a team, but for a city, and for everyone rooting for the Phillies everywhere. 

Now economic planning often shows that building a new stadium isn't worth the city's investment.  I'm inclined to agree.  But I think the value of having a professional sports team runs deeper than mere economic analysis.  Economically speaking, sports bring people into the city and therefore people spend money in the city on dinner and drinks and on transit (where transit exists).  Culturally speaking, sports create a realm of inclusion in which everyone can participate.  They give us something to cheer for together.  

The beauty is this: it doesn't take much to be a sports fan.  Sure, there are people who know everything about every game and every player and every rule; but just by virtue of living in a place you can call yourself a fan of their teams.  My grandmother's first question to my dad after he told her about meeting my mother was "Is she a Cubs fan?"  Grandma Vi didn't know that much about baseball but she knew it was a family value.  You don't have to have money or education to appreciate a walk-off home run or a full count, two outs, bottom of the ninth strike out.  When your team loses you're devasted.  When they lose for a season (or 28 seasons in the Phillies' case, or 100 seasons in the Cubs case) it hurts.  The whole city mourns.  But when you win the whole city rejoices.  A collection of people is united in devotion to a game.  How simple.  How elegant.  The stakes feel so high at the moment, but even if they lose it's not like losing a war.  Sports offer a break from daily life.  They create a melange of sensory experiences - peanut shells underfoot, hot summer day, sitting still, drinking a beer.  They also bridge gaps between generations.  I love that I cheer for the same teams as my father and grandfather.  I love that all I know of baseball I learned from them, incrementally, over the course of 23 years' worth of baseball games.  

I could keep espousing the personal value of sport but I'll let the events speak for themselves.  The Phillies' victory parade on Friday brought over 2 million people to downtown Philadelphia on Friday.  That's about 500,000 more people than the city's official population.  Even if you think sports are trite, the ability of a game to bring so many people together to celebrate a single event is undeniably astonishing.

Precis: Netherlands

Hi friends,

It's been about a month and I don't know where to begin updating you. The most obviously exciting part was my trip to the Netherlands. Our studio project is to make a plan for the Delaware River Basin about how climate change, especially regarding sea level rise, will impact the area. So we went to the Netherlands and met with all sorts of different officials and spatial planners and professors in different cities to ask questions and compare our problem to theirs. What did we learn? Our problem is nothing like theirs. The Netherlands is entirely planned and engineered down to the smallest acre. All of their trees are evenly spaced. There's no truly "natural" land in the country. Interestingly, Hurricane Katrina's effect on New Orleans was an important event for nearly every one we spoke with. I guess it was a wake-up call and a worst-case scenario if the Dutch dykes ever failed. Don't worry tho - they won't. Their levees are built to a 1/10,000 probability of failure. The New Orleans levees are currently being rebuilt to a 1/100 level. The Dutch think this is stupid. I think so too.

But it was definitely interesting to see our country from another perspective. They think that the states should take more control of things like levees. Because their country is so small and water is their only problem, they can master it and apply that everywhere. Our country is large with a multitude of natural threats - hurricanes, earthquakes, forest fires, tornadoes, etc. Here, people in the Midwest don't really care to spend tons of money fixing levees down in the South, because that's not a relatable Midwest problem. We regionalize these things rather than accepting them as national problems.

In general, the Dutch are very kind. They're just as smart as Germans but they have a sense of humor. They were genuine and excellent hosts. Every meeting had frequent coffee breaks - "We Dutch never start a meeting without a cup of coffee." They also were interested in our problem, interested in collaborating, and interested in whether we liked the Netherlands. There was certainly less anti-American sentiment than I've experienced in visiting other countries. In my opinion, Mary is the only Dutch person I've met in America who reminds me of the Dutch in Holland. The rest of the Calvin College Dutch are poor representations of their ethnic motherland (haha, i'm mostly kidding). The difference is being genuine and open versus conservative and closed? I'm grossly generalizing but I hope you get my drift. I suppose that's why those families emigrated from Holland to Holland MI in the first place?

Besides the people, the country itself is rather beautiful. For those of you who've been to PEI, they're pretty similar, except PEI is way more hilly. The weather is cloudy and chilly but very dynamic. The sun frequently peaks out throughout the day although it's rarely static. Canals roll through all of the brick city blocks. And everyone bikes on those old-school granny bikes. Everyone bikes. Bikes everywhere. When you cross the street you cross a bike lane, a pedestrian lane, a car lane, a tramway, and repeat. It's crazy. So many modes! Planner paradise!

One of the most beautiful sites I witnessed was this: around 4:30 in the afternoon, an 18-year old bikes up to a shop. A girl walks out and sits side-saddle on the rack on back and they ride away. That's how you pick up your girlfriend from work in the Netherlands. That's life.

Of course I have more to tell, but writing it down is harder than saying it. So if you've got more questions we'll just talk on the phone. My class definitely bonded and it was nice to get to know some people better. There were some Phila. city officials on the trip with us and they rented bikes one day and then didn't want them. So a friend and I tried our hand at the biking-someone-else-around thing. It was super fun although a bit scary. I'll throw some pictures in here later.

Just wanted to update you, back to the grind.

<3
k

Believing in things

When P and I were in Chicago we went to the Jeff Koons exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art.  I definitely liked some of his stuff (see picture).  His statement talked about reintroducing a feeling of childlike wonderment.  These sculptures are huge and the force you to see all the little wrinkles and such as if it was a real balloon.  You also see yourself in the reflection.  The scale makes you feel small again.  The material makes you curious - what is that stuff?  How does it work?  How did he make this?  All of those questions are things kids ask all the time but we informed adults usually glaze over.  

Some of his other stuff was less cool and less effective.  We saw a little group getting lectured by the docent and talked b/tw ourselves about whether the artist intended everything the docent was saying or whether art critics just read into it all, whether post-conceptualization and serendipity and process make the product just as much as the initial concept does.  I said without thinking: "Art is something you have to believe in."  And it is.  It requires faith like believing in God or religion.  You have to make a jump because if you never buy into it then you'll never benefit from it.  

I think love is the same way.  You have to believe in it.  You have to believe it's true or that it can be true.  The world you live in is the one you choose to see.  If you don't believe love can be real then it will never be.  If you don't believe it's worth the investment of time and effort and emotion then it won't be.  

Sometimes I scoff at people with more faith than mine.  They believe in things I once did and I think they're foolish for doing so.  That's pretty arrogant and lame on my part.  I just realized that I also scoff at people in love sometimes.  And that's even worse.  I think they can't possibly be that happy, they're way too young to know what they're doing, or they just don't know what they're in for.  Above all things I want to believe in love.  I mean, I've seen it work and it looks like a good deal: my grandparents were married for 64 years.  That's the most beautiful thing I can think of in the whole world.  And my parents have been married 33 years.  They all got married really young and they made it.  

I think my generation's fears about marriage are permeating my idealistic Christian culture picture.  But if it comes down to believing in something hopefully and being in love idealistically, or fearing something and never believing in it enough to let it happen, I'm gonna go with the former.  It's not a question of believing in a happy lie or facing a sad truth.  The difference is that the belief creates the reality.  If you believe it can be good and special and real it will be, and if you believe it will be crappy and terrible and disappointing it'll be that.  In reality, love is both the good and the bad but the picture one paints determines which side triumphs.

My hungover thoughts on a Saturday "morning".

<3

K

Back to the city of brotherly love

Hi friends,

It's been awhile. Sorry about that. I kind of took a break from the computer if I wasn't at work. I read a lot of books and watched the Olympics this summer instead of surfing the web. Twas good times.

I'm back from New Orleans safe and sound. I feel bad that the storms hit right when I left. Fay came literally the day of my departure, and Gustav, that bastard, reared his ugly head a week later. I can't say how glad I am that Gustav wasn't as bad as he could've been. It was also good to see that evacuations went smoothly (relatively speaking). Hopefully this whole incident will restore everyone's faith in the city's ability to manage disaster, both New Orleanians and general Americans alike. I've been in contact with some friends but have yet to get a full report about re-populating the city. Hopefully that part goes well.

After a (too)brief jump back to Detroit and a few dreamlike days in Chicago, I'm back in Philly. I must admit I was more than a little anxious to come back. Who knows why? I guess my life feels hyper-compartmentalized sometimes so transitioning between worlds is disconcerting. Despite my fears, it was an easier adjustment than expected.

I've been moving into my new place these last few days, which is amazing. I'm sharing a rowhouse with three boys (scary right?) My room is big and beautiful as is the kitchen. The boys are great. Moving stuff in was a breeze with so many hands. I came downstairs two nights ago to find them sorting through everything in the kitchen, organizing and cleaning. They're clean! It's wonderful. I'm psyched. I whipped up these margarita-inspired sables au citron as my inaugural batch of cookies. They liked them. We're a happy little family.

I also caught up with most of my city planning friends at a party last night. I didn't realize how much I missed this great group of crazy kids. I can't say I'm ready to start school tomorrow (eek!) but I am glad to be back with friends.

I missed some things about this city. I like that I can easily walk everywhere I need to. Groceries, cafes, bars and restaurants are just around the corner. And like New Orleans, my neighbors here are friendly and say hello. I have yet to walkabout and fully reacquaint myself with the city as I've been busy unpacking and all that jazz. Hopefully this afternoon I can go for a long run around town.

School starts tomorrow. Did I mention that? Yikes. I'm definitely doing some class shopping. But I'm also excited for the semester. My studio class is doing a long-term plan for the water levels of the Delaware river, so we're traveling to Holland to interview officials there on how they do what they do so well. After living in New Orleans I think I'll be even more interested in the studio. Hurrah.

Well my loves, I should probably get back to work. I hope all is well and we talk (for real) sometime soon.

If you're reading this, I love you.

-k

Life Mix

Hi friends,

I've just returned from a lovely Fourth of July weekend in Detroit.  This trip convinced me that July 4 is my favorite holiday.  There's no expectation or stress or arguing over when to spend time with whom.  Unlike Christmas break, I don't spend half the break in bed recovering from school and hiding from the cold.  On good old Independence day I needn't plan my menu and send invitations two months in advance.  It's just a lovely day of reflection and relaxation spent in the company of friends and family.  This year my sis and I each invited whoever was free. Our small party took the paddle boat around the lake, ate, and played bocce ball before roasting marshmallows over a bonfire, enduring my mother's tall tales, and watching neighbors light illegal fireworks.  What could be better?

It was great to spend time with my sis while she's starting her first year of residency.  I also played some tennis with my  parents, talked to my bro on the phone about America's impending fiscal doom, went to City Fest downtown and had an impromptu Food in the Hood, and saw Wall-E (which I highly recommend).  I hope your weekend celebrations of the nation's independence were equally as pleasurable and festive.

And now to the point: During my trip, Patrick reminded me of something cool that he and his friends did last summer.  They all made Life Mix CD's and sent them around to each other.  It's a pretty simple concept - create a soundtrack which encompasses your life thus far.  Alas, in light of my attempts today, the Life Mix is a dauntingly complex task.  But I think it'll be really fun.  So I wanted to propose that we all make one this summer.  I know everyone's busy, but it's summer, I mean, how busy can you really be?  I guess some of his friends went as far as making CD jackets and writing descriptions for each song/time period.  I beseech you to be as creative as you please.

Let me know if you're in.

Much love always,

-k

A fortnight and a half

Hello dear friends,

The third week of my New Orleans adventure is coming to a close. I apologize for my infrequent posts - apparently computer chargers die in humidity. Luckily I live across the street from the Loyola library so I've been using the computers here.

A few comments on work and friends (as per Brian's request):

Work
I work at a non-profit organization called NHS which serves a number of functions. First, NHS teaches gives homeownership counseling and teaches financial fitness classes. Second, NHS does construction management and real estate development. Finally, NHS has a Community Building Initiative (CBI). That's the department I'm in.

My supervisor also has a Masters in Planning and he's really cool, as is everyone else at NHS. So far we've done a survey of 1200 housing conditions in the Freret neighborhood. On Monday Eddie Izzard (the comedian) did a benefit concert for NHS. We are also working with a group of architects called Design Corps, who are designing and building a new bus shelter for Freret street. My job involves attending a lot of community meetings and giving a lot of presentations. Tomorrow I'm starting a more independent project. NHS recently bought a building which needs to be renovated. I'm going to do some renderings of the re-designed building for a capital campaign. I'm also creating urban design guidelines for Freret Street.

Friends
One other student from my program is down here this summer - my friend Matt. He is working for NORA - the New Orleans Redevelopment Authority. There are a bunch of interns working for the city who I've met and hung out with once or twice. I've also hung out with the Design Corps kids a few times. They're all in their Masters program too and pretty cool.

Moving to a new city is a fun adventure, but, as I'm sure you all know, it takes a while to really settle in and make good friends. Weekends have been fun so far - bars and bands and good times, but lots of small talk and mingling. This Saturday I'm heading to the beach with Matt and some others. It should be a good time.

Life in General
My average day involves going to work, coming home, eating dinner, running, cold showering and then reading. I've read "The Moviegoer" by Walker Percy and "Old Men at Midnight" by Chaim Potok. I just started "Women in Love" by D.H. Lawrence. It's a quiet life. I like the independence and the free time to think. But, conversely, and necessarily, it's a bit lonely.

I actually went to church last Sunday - First Presbyterian Church of New Orleans. I think I'll go again this Sunday but I'll try a different church. I think I'll dabble in Catholicism since New Orleans is such a Catholic city.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

-k