Smiles, hearts and stars

A few things:

1. Thanks to those of you who've given me song suggestions. They've been great! Keep 'em coming if you'd like. I'll post a completed playlist once I get a chance to put it all together.

2. Brian informed me that my blog's settings didn't allow people who weren't on Blogger to post comments. I think I fixed this. Please let me know if it is/ isn't fixed.

3. Smiles, hearts and stars...
For whatever reason I'm in good spirits. I've been working pretty hard this week, I still have a lot to do, but I'm feeling accomplished. I feel like I can do it. It's all good.

I kind of took a break from the library yesterday. I went running and made cookies for a potluck dinner that we had last night. It was at Clint's parents' house (which is absolutely gorgeous.) People brought great food and I had some great conversations. The cookies went over well: they compelled Stacy to nearly propose. (Stacy is a boy by the way.) I used my mom's monster cookie recipe but I veganized it and made some other top-secret changes. If I make some more I'll mail them around the country for you all to try. Stacy's friend Dylan was in town from Luxembourg (although he's actually British), and he was a riot. David's girlfriend, Alicia? was also in town from law school at UVA. She was really cool too. I think it was the kind of break we all needed - low-key with real food and real friends.

After the dinner some of us went to Doobie's bar around the corner. I had some more really lovely conversations there. It's always good to speak passionately about something and have someone else understand you perfectly. After the bar I guided Stacy and Dylan to Bob and Barbara's (bar) before heading home to crash.

I suppose I could've stayed in last night and tried to get more work done, but I think part of any education is getting to know your peers. Talking about planning-type issues in a more theoretical context is so much more meaningful than exchanging frustrated anecdotes about how much homework we have. I hope there will be more nights like tomorrow night and that I don't let myself get entirely consumed by schoolwork.

Apparently we have a lot of work in this program. Alicia was saying that it sounds like way more work than her law program (and UVA is one of the top law programs in the country). Genevieve, who's roommate in med school, says our workload is at least comparable. I suppose the challenging thing about our program is that it's not just reading and absorbing information. We actually have to produce things: maps, papers, stats labs. And we have to think in a lot of different ways - reading, writing, concepts, numbers, graphics. I guess I like hearing that our program is hard. It makes me feel like I'm doing something legitimate. Perhaps cuz my sister and dad are both doctors I have an inferiority complex about the prestigiousness/intellect required for whatever career I chose. So yeah, it's good to think I'm doing something equally as hard.

Anyway, back to the swamp. Wish me luck. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. And if you're reading this I love you.

Saturday Routine

I don't know what I want to write about today. Nothing that's going on is culminating in any sort of overarching theme. I'm feeling about a million different things at once, I'm confused about pretty much every relationship I'm in, and I don't know what to make of school. When I was mulling this all over this morning, (as I do typically like to mull in the mornings) I thought I've never felt like this before. Then I read my journal from last fall around this time and realized I am always like this. The more things change the more they stay the same.

First: relationships. Friendships are particularly new for me at the moment. I realized I'm much better at making guy friends than girl friends a long time ago. Usually that's cool, but now I'm afraid to make guy friends cuz it seems like it'd be going for something more than friends? I dunno. So girl friends, I actually want some of those, but it seems like cultivating a meaningful friendship with a girl takes a lot of time. Moreso, I think I believe in soul mates more for relationships with girls than guys. My closest girl friends - Natalie, Carrie, Erica, - we hit it off and I knew there was potential there from the get go. There are a lot of cool girls in this program, so I guess I just hope I hit it off with some of them. Currently, I've got a group I hang out with, but I'm tired of the party scene and definitely want something less superficial. Again, it's only September, we'll see how it all works out.

Relationships - Relationships past. Distance, time, past, present. What's worth investing in? Who's worth keeping in touch with? Conversations are investments. To have one, I must really open myself up and let someone in. Often I'm left emotionally drained. Talking is so taxing. There are some channels I wonder if I want to leave open? On the other hand, relationships present. Opening myself up for the first time, letting someone get to know me. The extra effort that it takes to transcend space inherently says something about the relationship. Am I worth that investment? Am I ready for something that connotes serious interest?

Relationships - family. Why do I miss my family? This feels new to me or newish. I've definitely never missed my parents before. This summer was the first time my mom and I really got to know each other. We had some great conversations and I've learned to appreciate her wisdom in areas I never recognized previously. Now I feel some nostalgia to know who she and her sisters were when they were my age. As my grandma gets older I have a desire to know her and the Wieand girl legacy or something. I miss Julie a lot too. She's probably one of my closest friends. Sisters are sweet, and I really wish I lived closer to her. I miss Rick, maybe I'm used to that by now, but even so, I miss knowing what's going on with him.

School - Am I ever content with school? While I sometimes and usually love to learn, I suck at sitting down and cranking out school work. I am easily distracted (which this blog confirms) by my own swirling self-reflections. What's up with that? I need to turn off that part of my brain sometimes. Anyway, now that I've made this huge investment in this school (not only monetarily but emotionally, relationally, etc.) I'm second-guessing it. I know that's stupid. I do want to do this. But watching Top Chef makes me want to quit everything, go to pastry school, and open a cafe-bakery that's open all night. I currently make desserts for everyone's b'day and I love it. It's therapeutic and so satisfying, b/c what's better than having someone make something delicious for you? I know this is stupid. I know whatever I do I will second guess it and consider/wish I was doing something else. I do want my life's work to be more than dessert. I am enjoying planning and I do have grand dreams for fixing the fabric of our cities. I'm just lazy. And, I have a fear complex when approaching new school work. I'm all afraid I don't/won't know what I'm doing so I don't even want to start an assignment. I'm psyching myself out. I've got to get over that fast.

So that's all. I'm here listening to John Lennon's "Walls and Bridges" album. I'm trying to decide if I should go elsewhere to study. I'm still mulling. I've got a lot to do. I have to figure out how to actually make myself get stuff done. I love you if you're reading this.