Dear World,

If you haven't noticed, things are going pretty badly.  Crime is up in the U.S., terrorism is breaking out all over the world.  I'm writing to you to plead with you.  I'm writing to say we can do better than this.  We have to do better than this.  If we've learned anything from these past eight years, it's that we can't fight terrorism with guns and soldiers.  We can't fight terrorism with strategies or threats.  Terrorism is a tactic and what's defined as "terrorism" is subject to whoever is defining it.  Terrorism comes from hate.  And a lot of the time that hate is understandable.  People have been repressed, abused, and their basic humanity trampled. These injustices breed hate.  And hate leads to violence.  So far our strategy to fight this hate has been more hate.  More violence.  Apparently violence only leads to more violence.  Who knew?

We are very much like animals really.  Dogs bite when they've been abused and they're scared.  We do the same thing. We lash out when we feel this is our only chance to fight back and the world has hurt us enough that we think our cowardly way is justified.

So what I propose is pretty simple and cliche.  I propose peace and I propose love.  I think at our most basic level every human being prefers peace to war, and safety to fear.  We would rather be hugged than punched and we would rather laugh than cry.  Every mother would rather raise her child in a place where he is safe than a war zone where bullets are flying.  We are not such complex creatures really.  

Hate makes us forget what we are, or rather, what others are. Hate makes us forget the humanity in others.  Hate convinces us that they are less human or less deserving of life.  Hate makes us forget that they laugh and cry and have families and memories and souls.  Hate is a powerful, terrible thing.  Hate is the only thing that could convince terrorists to kill at least 125 people in India, or cause such civil unrest in Somalia.  

But we were not born creatures of hate.  Undoubtedly love has been and can continue to be more powerful than hate.  What if we could pause this mess and look each of these gunmen in the eye, ask them what they want, ask why they're doing what they're doing, tell them there's a better way, and that God loves them, and that they don't have to do this.  Maybe they'd keep shooting, maybe not.  I hope that if we could separate these killers from their group mentality they'd come to their senses.  I still believe the humanity in their eyes is the same as that in mine.  

Life isn't so black and white unfortunately.  I can't comprehend what could drive people to kill, but I'm sure there's some twisted logic and a chain of events behind it.  But I'd say any time hate drives us to do anything, it's wrong.  The result of injustice need not always be hate - instead we could strive for justice.  There's a difference between revenge and a longing to make things right.  Revenge is reactionary, forgiveness is revolutionary.

So what I propose is this and it starts with each of us.  What if every time someone pissed us off, cut us off, wronged, hurt, teased, or cheated us - what if we put ourselves in their shoes.  What if we said "Yeah that sucks, but they're just doing this because they've had a bad day or because their mom is in the hospital or they lost their job."  What if we began with forgiveness instead of hate.  What if we really put their predicaments over our own hurt pride?  I think Jesus was the only person who really pulled this off.  What's crazy is that before Jesus there was no forgiveness.  There was no getting something for nothing.  Every wrong had to be righted through penance and sacrifice.  But since he showed up, there's no need for revenge or reciprocation.  He's got it covered.  Now we're free to forgive.  And forgiveness can only come from love.  

So there we have it.  If we forgive and love others we're free to live our lives and work for peace.  All the good things are connected, and so are the bad things.  If we don't forgive then we can hate.  Hate makes us want revenge.  Hate convinces us that others aren't human so violence is ok.  But revenge never rights anything.  It just makes things more wrong.

This isn't really a solution for terrorism now.  I don't know how to stop that.  I don't know how to stop things on a global scale.  All I know is change starts with each of us, and love never fails.  So...what do you think world?  You want to do better?  Because I know I do.  I love you.

-k

Believing in things

When P and I were in Chicago we went to the Jeff Koons exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art.  I definitely liked some of his stuff (see picture).  His statement talked about reintroducing a feeling of childlike wonderment.  These sculptures are huge and the force you to see all the little wrinkles and such as if it was a real balloon.  You also see yourself in the reflection.  The scale makes you feel small again.  The material makes you curious - what is that stuff?  How does it work?  How did he make this?  All of those questions are things kids ask all the time but we informed adults usually glaze over.  

Some of his other stuff was less cool and less effective.  We saw a little group getting lectured by the docent and talked b/tw ourselves about whether the artist intended everything the docent was saying or whether art critics just read into it all, whether post-conceptualization and serendipity and process make the product just as much as the initial concept does.  I said without thinking: "Art is something you have to believe in."  And it is.  It requires faith like believing in God or religion.  You have to make a jump because if you never buy into it then you'll never benefit from it.  

I think love is the same way.  You have to believe in it.  You have to believe it's true or that it can be true.  The world you live in is the one you choose to see.  If you don't believe love can be real then it will never be.  If you don't believe it's worth the investment of time and effort and emotion then it won't be.  

Sometimes I scoff at people with more faith than mine.  They believe in things I once did and I think they're foolish for doing so.  That's pretty arrogant and lame on my part.  I just realized that I also scoff at people in love sometimes.  And that's even worse.  I think they can't possibly be that happy, they're way too young to know what they're doing, or they just don't know what they're in for.  Above all things I want to believe in love.  I mean, I've seen it work and it looks like a good deal: my grandparents were married for 64 years.  That's the most beautiful thing I can think of in the whole world.  And my parents have been married 33 years.  They all got married really young and they made it.  

I think my generation's fears about marriage are permeating my idealistic Christian culture picture.  But if it comes down to believing in something hopefully and being in love idealistically, or fearing something and never believing in it enough to let it happen, I'm gonna go with the former.  It's not a question of believing in a happy lie or facing a sad truth.  The difference is that the belief creates the reality.  If you believe it can be good and special and real it will be, and if you believe it will be crappy and terrible and disappointing it'll be that.  In reality, love is both the good and the bad but the picture one paints determines which side triumphs.

My hungover thoughts on a Saturday "morning".

<3

K

For auld lang syne

The events of the past month were far too varied, extensive, and influential for me to adequately summarize here. Suffice it to say it was a good month. I freaked out for a week in the beginning, lived in an alternate universe for a while, stopped trying to figure things out, saw a lot of movies, slept in, played cards with the parents, traveled to five different states, and somehow ended up in a peaceful, rejuvenated state of mind. Most importantly, I spent time with pretty much all of the people closest to me, and became even closer to most of them. I think I realized which people are the friends I've kept for a long time and will keep forever. Ultimately I feel lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I can't express how refreshing and comforting it was to connect with people who I get and who get me, especially after feeling significantly disconnected over the past semester.

On the plane(s) from Chicago back to Philly I attempted to sleep but I think my subconscious mind was trying to sort out the comprehensive range of emotions I've experienced from the last week in Detroit through this weekend in Chicago. Fatefully I woke up toward the last 20 minutes of the flight and ended up talking to the guy next to me. He was going to Pittsburgh to meet up with some people with whom he works on Harley's. He was one of those outgoing, simple-speaking people who, with little prompting, explained to me his philosophies on life. "You see, the thing about it is...," he said: "...the glass is half full", "...you can't control what happens but you can control your attitude," "...stress doesn't help anything," "...if you've got a lot to do just assess the situation, prioritize what you have to do and do it," and "if you're doing something that you'd be ashamed to tell other people about then you know it's wrong and you shouldn't do it. You should never do anything you're ashamed of." All these tidbits seem like cliches but sometimes the simplest lessons are the ones of which you need to be reminded the most. Twas a lovely, serendipitous, dare-I-say God-influenced encounter.

So now I'm back. I got home late-ish last night after they lost one of my suitcases. Oh well. Upon walking in the door, I was surprised at how good it felt to be back. Even though I'm sometimes lonely here, the converse benefit is that this life feels very much my own -- my apartment and my food and my schedule and my time. I don't have to wait for anyone else to call or make sure I spend adequate time with everyone or let anyone know where and when I'm going. I woke up late today and ate oatmeal before walking around the city, with certain goals in mind but ultimately accomplishing none of them. I had coffee with Clint and Christy and decided to take ballet twice a week. I'll probably go to the gym before I make dinner and go to bed. I didn't do my homework.

It's a new year. It feels like a new year. I feel more certain of who I love and comforted by who loves me. I finally stopped trying to find myself and my beliefs and my God and it seems like they're now finding me -- thanks to some good friends. Life is so much to deal with, too much to really process everything. The moral: I'm privileged to share life with the people I do.

so this is the new year

I suppose a new year calls for reflection. For perhaps the first time, this year feels like a marked departure from the previous one. School, friends, family, relationships between myself and those people, have all changed considerably from last year. I think the biggest change is faith. I believe in God definitely and Jesus also, and I'm into the Bible, but...I just don't buy anything else. I'm not sure what I believe and consequently I'm not sure how to translate that belief into guidelines for my life. Beyond the obvious things like treating others as I'd like to be treated, I don't know how to apply faith to general life, like propriety in relationships for example. I don't know what my faith is, but even if i did, i think i'd reject all the traditions.

so first. i'm over religion (not faith). this shakes my worldview. i'm lost. this isn't new. but the point is...what's the point? the point is we're defined not by our beliefs but by our actions. it doesn't matter what one thinks is true if she doesn't act accordingly. I need to define myself this year. find myself. i think it starts with being decisive. by that i mean i need to own my actions. i need to be proactive in determining my own fate. letting others decide for me or being too afraid to assert my feelings had caused me nothing but strife in the past. whatever befalls me should do so because i chose it. and i'm going to be alright with what i choose. i'll try to choose rightly according to my newfound lack of guiding morals. yes. the year of decision.

second. i feel old. twenty-two sounds kind of young but i feel like an adult. a grownup. i feel like the weight of my future is constantly upon me. like every decision i make is going to be a permanent one. career, city, love, faith. that's scary. i know i can't decide uncertainty away. i know i can't make all the right decisions. i know my decisions don't have be permanent, but they feel it. eww life feels so serious.

third. death. i lost my Grandma Vi around this time last year and now Grandma Betty's in the hospital. This sucks. I don't want them to die. ever. my life is not complete without them. death is permanent and i'm not into that.

i'm tired.

Regarding uncertainty

Dearest friends,

It's been a while, especially since I've posted anything of substance
rather than just rants about school. (Sorry about that, it's kind of
consuming). You'll be glad to know the worst is over. I turned in two
twenty-plus page reports yesterday, and I'm feeling appropriately
euphoric. I may have forgone sleep in order to do it, but it is done,
and I am glad. Just a few things left on the list.

Last night I went with a few friends to the bar and let me tell you,
after working for 27 hours straight on projects (literally) one beer
plus the company of a few friends is the best thing in the entire
world. (I still don't like beer but i figured anything else would make
me die.) It was lovely to converse about the semester and life in
general.

I'm nervous/anxious about going home. A week ago I couldn't wait to get there and now I'm afraid. It might be because I've changed a lot this semester -- not as far as my actions, or who I am, but definitely regarding what I believe. As the title implies, this post is about uncertainty. And as most other posts have implied, I'm pretty uncertain these days.

I guess the biggest thing is faith. I'm not really sure what I think about God anymore. I don't mean this to be some big dramatic statement and I really don't want you all to worry. I'm not saying I don't believe in God...I'm just not sure what that means. Or what Christianity means. I'm full of questions that I've never had before -- not about doctrine or the philosophy behind it all, but about how this religion actually plays out in practice.

My first concern is that I'm just not convinced of Christian traditions or cultural practices at the moment. I've been going to church and meeting all the other people at my church that are my age. They're quite nice people, but the majority of them are those really good kids who've never done anything wrong and grew up in Christian homes. That's fine, and I don't mean to discount them as people or as friends. They're not judgmental or condescending. At other times in my life I would really want to be friends with them and feel guilty that I wasn't as good as they are. At this point in life, I'm over that. I've done what I've done and I'm cool with it. I guess the issue is...here we are, a bunch of Christian kids raised in Christian homes...and what have we ever done about it? Who have we ever helped? Who have I ever told about Jesus? I mean, I've had conversations with plenty of people about my faith but I don't know anyone I've actually I dunno, converted? That sounds weird. Anyway, it's like...what's the point? We live by these rules cuz we think they're what God wants us to do, and we practice these traditions... I'm just starting to see it all in an anthropological/sociological light rather than a faith that I believe in and act out.

The second issue is about guilt. I feel like all I ever feel about faith is guilty. I look back at my life and see all the things I've done wrong and how I'm always falling short and how I keep making the same mistakes and how I'm not really progressing at all. I don't think this religion is about failure, but I think I make it about failure. At the end of every day I count up all the ways I was wrong and I apologize to God and hope he forgives me. And then I go and sin in all the same ways the next day. That sucks. Can I ever actually get better? Isn't believing this stuff supposed to make me better? If God wants me to stop doing the wrong things why doesn't he help more? (I can't believe how heretical this sounds, stream-of-consciousness is dangerous, please forgive me)

The third thing is about certainty. I'm getting skeptical about "God's plan" and "God's will." If God has a plan then there's always a right answer. With job/school/love/life choices there's a right answer. I look back at the times when I've said "this is what God wanted" and I want to think I'm right, but simultaneously doublethink says "I'm saying it's God's will cuz I'm trying to justify the way it played out." You can call anything God's will. Accepting the bad things that happen is a lot easier if it's God's will. What if it's not? If there is a right answer then why the hell do I never feel certain? If God so wants me to follow his plan then why doesn't he make it easier to figure it out?

This planning program is revealing more and more that there's no right answer. Planners deal with "wicked problems" as one article calls them - problems so complex that there's no real solution (like poverty for example). You can try to limit the scope on it and zoom in on one aspect, but no matter what you can't fix the whole thing. It's way too complex to understand its scope, let alone implement some way to solve it. You can't even be certain about little things. There will always be winners and losers. You can't see the future so you can't know the long-term effects. You just have to do the best with the info you have.

I almost had a revelation the other day. I realized that no one is certain, or any more certain than I am. You can't be certain. There is no certainty. All you can do is be satisfied with your choices...You can't change it, so why not just be satisfied?

But that's not good enough for me. I want to know! I want there to be a right answer.

I was telling my friend James last night that I think I'm anxious about going home b/c I don't really know what I think about things anymore. His response was "well you just have to decide what you're passionate about and think about that, because nothing else really matters."

I found this to be wise, however I don't know what I'm passionate about. I think it all comes down to not knowing myself anymore. And not knowing myself keeps reinforcing this ridiculous cycle of doubting what I believe, and doubting what I believe just makes me not know myself more.

Ironically/coincidentially/not so coincidentially, Natalie called me last week. And she's doubting all the same things I am. I thought that was funny/relieving/disconcerting. I was expecting to come home over break and tell her all my crazy doubts and she'd tell me how great God was and I'd remember and everything would be ok. Instead she called me with the same doubts and rather than reassuring each other about faith we reaffirmed each other about doubting. Kind of funny no? Yikes...

In a lot of ways words have stopped meaning a lot to me. Sermons don't really inspire me nor do conversations about God. The only time I really feel him anymore is when I'm listening to the music at church. They've got an amazing organ and usually have people from Philadelphia's symphony playing during the service. Last week a brass ensemble played some amazing arrangement of I don't even remember what and I almost cried. Music is revelatory. As is the city - what I see and hear speak to me of something greater. I know it's there. I'll find it again...

(oh my goodness, seriously, my bad about the drama, I don't mean it, just sorting things out, don't worry)