And the first year comes to an end.

The semester is finally over. It came to a surprisingly triumphant but almost anti-climactic end. The last month has been wrought with things to do - each task awaited by another in an endless line. I honestly can't say I took a day off in the last four weeks. I've definitely never functioned on so little sleep; prob averaging one all-nighter a week, with a max of six hours any night - usually less. I gave my workshop presentation to the client and faculty jury on zero sleep. I finished our 90 page workshop book in three grueling days. And with one essay test for urban econ it was over. Thank God.

I took the last two days off to become a real person again. I explored the city at a leisurely pace. I saw them filming a movie with Owen Wilson and that guy from Grey's Anatomy (McSteamy I think? Jennifer Aniston is in it too but I didn't see her.) I browsed books with James in two bookstores. We found a garden on the top floor of the Kimmel Center. We ran into five other planners in Rittenhouse Square in the course of fifteen minutes. This is truly the smallest big city in the world. I forgot how Center City feels during the daytime. It's so bustling even in the middle of the week. Oh and I found a new favorite restaurant. I've made a point of trying new restaurants in Philly b/c it's a fun break that doesn't take too long. This one is called The Latest Dish and it's the first place that's really knocked my socks off. Other places have been good, quite good, but this was my fav. So come visit me and we'll go back. I went running the last couple days. I'm finding new music and listening to NPR again. I'm catching up on the headlines. I even watched Top Chef last night.

Today I slept in and read The Life of Pi in Rittenhouse. So far so good. Now I'm cleaning my room, getting my life in order, attempting to figure out where I'm going this summer, where I'm moving next fall, when I'll stop home in Detroit and how long I'll be there.

Cleaning out my school folders is deflating. So much work for what? a few pages that I organize into a clear, expandable file folder. I hate when an end result doesn't reflect everything that went into the product. Maybe the process counts. I hope so.

I do feel I've learned a lot this year. I've definitely worked hard. I think my skills show it. But what? This year doesn't feel like any other school year before. It's not a clean break I guess, because next fall is lingering just around the next corner. I'm not sad to leave friends because we all know we'll see each other in a few short months. It's not a momentous change heading into a new grade. It's just Masters Program Part II. Which is ok. I feel older this year - more comfortable in who I am and more familiar with my shortcomings. Maybe that sums it all up. I spent the first semester feeling uncertain. The second semester showed me who I am but no more about who I should be or who God is or what I should do in my life. Hopefully those things will come.

I do want to say thanks to all of you who helped me through this crazy year. Your thoughts, prayers, advice, words of wisdom and encouragement were highly appreciated. I also sincerely apologize for being a sub-par friend in many respects. I def didn't keep up like I should've. Please know it doesn't mean I don't love you, but that I'm bad at time management.

Anyway, I love you all. And wherever I go this summer, I hope you visit me or I can visit you.

<3

-K

Hey friends,

So another school year is coming to an end. It's crunch time, but not crunchy enough that I'm freakin' out yet (hence me writing this blog). In any case, I just realized I'm going to be home in about a month. It's going to be summer again. I simultaneously feel like summer just happened and that summer was a lifetime ago. I feel like I've lived about three lives in the last year: Calvin, summer, and Penn. I'm happy with the one I'm in now. I wouldn't want to go back to anything I've been before. I think I'm on the right track life-wise, even though I never anticipated the way things have shaken out. I never thought I'd doubt the things I've doubted. I never thought I'd decide what I've decided. Maybe the first lent itself to the second. This time around though I've owned my actions. I'm not lying anymore, to myself or anyone else. So word to that.

Who knows what summer holds? Waiting to hear back on an internship opportunity. Don't want to talk about it yet for fear of jinxing it. Trying to keep my hopes down. Sigh. Wherever I end up this summer, I don't know if I can handle any more lifetimes. So much change is overwhelming.

Despite the different lives, some patterns emerge. For example, I have a boy problem. I always thought I just fell into relationships without looking for them because I wasn't assertive enough to know what I wanted/didn't want. While I've become more discerning in my taste, it's no coincidence that I'm always in a relationship. Because I don't know how to be friends with girls I just become friends with guys. It's way easier, it makes more sense to me, I'm more comfortable. And then that always ends up somewhere. It's a strange deficiency. I could probably teach a class on dating but I need a class on making friends.

I'm having a hard time foreseeing my future. I'm failing to connect my present actions with possible future consequences. I'm living in the now. How lame that sounds. I don't even know how to picture a future or where or with whom.

Life goes by pretty fast. I always indulge myself in brief moments of perfection. I wish I was brave enough to look at the big picture.

Until we meet again,

-k

Philadelphia <3 and Refrigerator Space

Walking through Rittenhouse Square today on my way to the coffee shop I came to an important realization: I would rather live in Philadelphia than Chicago. In the long run I mean - even after school is over. Maybe this shouldn't be so groundbreaking but it is for me. I've got so much family in Chicago, it's always felt a bit like home, I love the Cubs and the Bears way more than the Phillies or the Eagles. In Chicago's defense, I've never lived actually lived there. So maybe this is an unfair comparison. But Philadelphia is mine. Perhaps it's a function of my "need to be special" personality type, but I like to be original and I like to be independent. I'm the only person I know (besides the people I've met here) who's ever lived in Philly. It's a well-kept secret and I like being in on it. Chicago has no Rittenhouse Square and no flowery trees in Spring, or at least far fewer trees. Philly is somehow more manageable in size. It's big but not too big. It's small enough to feel my own and run into people I know. It's safe but not too safe. There's still grit on my street, and there are still gritty neighborhoods where poor grad students like myself can afford to live and still be able to walk to the park declared one of the best in the country by Jane Jacobs. No one knows how great it is until they get here. Word to that.

I don't know if I want to live in Philly after school is over. I want to hop around the world before settling down. But I can see myself here in the future. That's an interesting feeling. The future's freaking me out at the moment. I've got no internship for the summer yet and I'm starting to panic. Send out a few prayers for me if you don't mind. I've sent a bunch of applications but haven't heard much back. Yikes. Hopefully it'll all come together.

As per usual I spent last week bustin' my butt on another project. The results were pretty cool. We took a photo of a crappy street, traced it, then Photoshop-ed together a fixed street and traced that. Even though it was tracing, all the finished products were really different. My prof wanted us to trace because a lot of people don't have drawing experience and he didn't want perspectives and such to get warped (although Photoshopping warps things anyway, but whatev.) We hung up our existing photo, the existing conditions drawing, and the fixed drawing, and then people picked their favorites. My prof (who I don't think likes me very much) spent a lot of time talking about both of mine. I was afraid he'd think my drawings "too sketchy" but he actually really liked them (maybe b/c he didn't know whose they were?) In any case, it made me feel more confident about my urban design skills. Check it:
Existing Thompson Street photograph

Existing Thompson Street drawing
Re-Design for Thompson Street
This project kinda pissed me off because I don't think sidewalk cafe's, street trees, and first floor retail are the solution to all city planning problems. But the exercise was to teach us to draw a convincing vision so I think it served its purpose. I learned to draw trees which was fun. I would probably do a bunch of things better/differently but there's only so much time in a day. My prof said the pavement was "expertly done" and the trees were "fresh and original." Sorry, I'm not tryin' to brag but I realize I do put my work on this blog like a refrigerator. My intent is just to show y'all what I'm doing all day rather than calling you (even though I'd surely rather be calling you). I miss you all dearly and hope to see you sometime, somewhere this summer.

<3
K

I win...kind of

Hi blog,

Sorry for neglecting you, my dear readers, for so long. I've said this about a hundred times this year, but it's true once again: I just finished the biggest project of my life. Seriously. It was ridiculous. I worked pretty much nonstop for five days, averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night. It's done. It looks alright. It could be more perfect. I don't have time for perfect these days.

The project was to create three housing typologies (single family detached, single family rowhouse, mixeduse retail and residential) for a proposed new town, based on principals of critical regionalism and sustainability. My town was to be located in the Shenandoah Valley, so in keeping with critical regionalism, the housing styles, colors, and materials used all had to fit in with the architecture and landscaping and materials that are native to Virginia. We had to do site plans showing how each housing type would relate to the street as well as street sections showing sidewalk widths, bike lanes, streetscaping spacing. We had to do two drawings of each building, an axonometric (which is a 3-D side view) and an elevation. You have to use an architectural ruler so everything is to-scale. So if someone saw my drawing and it said 1"=20' they could get out their architectural ruler and measure a window and know that it was supposed to be 6' wide. Pretty neat.

And then we had to write it all up in a fancy report with a vision and ten principles of design like "the town shall be walkable from end to end" and each principle had to have three guidelines like "Pedestrian pathways will connect each residential street to the Town Center," or "pathways will be 4'-6' and be ADA compliant regarding grade and surface texture." And then we had to draw a diagram for each principle.
It was worth doing. It was excessively long. My professor gave the same assignment last year only they didn't have to write principles or draw diagrams. He was giving us shit for being behind - "last year's class was way ahead of you." But the assignment was twice as long. So eff him.

It was a huge ass project. It was a shit show. I did it all by hand. Some people cheated and used Sketch-Up which we weren't supposed to do b/c it distorts axonometric drawings, but whatev. Hopefully it'll be a good portfolio piece.

Anyway, I've finally gotten some sleep. That was lovely. It's spring here in Philly. I spent the last three months anticipating an impending winter that never came. Thank God. After living in Michigan no winter will ever feel terrible again.

I'm so unfamiliar with having nothing due tomorrow that I don't know what to do with myself.

Gotta get jazzed for six hours of class. Wish me luck.

<3
-K


PS I still have lots and lots and lots to say about New Orleans. I'll get to it tomorrow, I promise.

14 Days, 6 Hours, 51 minutes

That's the stuff I have to do.

It doesn't look so bad in list format. Don't be fooled

In this program assignments aren't just "assignments."
In the case of 550 - Planning Theory, my partner and I have to interview both the Philadelphia and Atlanta Planning Commissions, do a literature review on the historic "planning culture" of the city (in both common press and literary journals) and then synthesize it all into a lovely term paper. (Only it's not a term paper, it's just one of three similarly large assignments in combination with two midterms and one final exam.)

In the case of 624 - Quantitative Methods, we have to sift through my professor's ridiculously vague description of an assignment and put into practice what we supposedly learned in the last three labs when we were sifting through similarly obfuscated directions. Sweet!

GIS assignments are similarly open-ended and time consuming.

678 - the graphics class - is easy conceptually - draw shit in various programs, however, it's time consuming. I'll probably come back to that periodically when my brain is too tired to think.

540 - History of Planning - finish damn research paper on "historically important planner" Patrick Geddes, then take exam on non-critical, fluff history of planning. Easy enough since it requires no deeper level analysis of history! My final exam - "Everything planners ever did was good, and even the bad stuff was ok, since they were products of their time." - Excellent, A+. I just spent $7000 in tuition on that class :)

And after finishing all the "deliverables", (a word with which I've become all too familiar this semester) I shall study for exams. Then I shall take exams. And then I shall return home and hibernate for a couple weeks, perhaps re-read Harry Potter books, and/or other highly important, non-planning literature, watch movies, snuggle with Toby, Natalie, and anyone else who'll have me (yay human interaction!), not drink alcohol or eat chocolate (thanks to the ulcer this city planning program so graciously bestowed upon me!) and smile blankly into space until my cognizant mind returns from its retreat.

I can't wait.

Absorbing and Reflecting

Two separate but related thoughts:

One - I am learning a lot at school. This is good. I am learning new skills in the forms of new computer programs and data analysis methods. I am also learning new theories of planning which are quite fascinating and are blowing my mind. The problem is that I have so much stuff to do that I don't have time to internalize the theory. I know it and understand it, but I don't have time to think about it and absorb it into my personal theory of what kind of planner I want to be. I came here so certain of what I wanted to do and now I feel confused and overwhelmed and uncertain about all of the options and realities of what planners actually do.

Two - I missed Grand Rapids for the first time a couple days ago. I realized how much I took it for granted. More specifically, I did not appreciate how lucky I was to have not just one but many close friends to whom I could talk about anything at any time. I missed having people to stay up late with and/or have conversations with while falling asleep.

These two thoughts are cyclically related. First, I realized the problem from part one through a phone conversation with a friend from part two. (Sorry, this is mad cryptic) Essentially, I internalized all of my learning in undergrad because I had good friends to talk to about everything. I also make my best realizations about myself by talking to people who know me well. They don't even have to talk, I can just talk at them, and by talking, all of a sudden, I have a revelation about whatever situation I'm talking about.

The moral of the story: In a previous blog (http://urbananarama.blogspot.com/2007/09/on-love.html) I talked about how love (as in a relationship) makes a person real. I think this extends to friends. Being known and loved by someone, and being able to confide in someone -- the fact that that relationship exists somehow substantiates your existence. Just a conversation with a good friend (even if they're hundreds of miles away) is like looking in a mirror after you haven't seen your reflection in a long time. If you're forgetting yourself or are confused about who or what you are, a friend can remind you without saying anything. Your muddled thoughts bounce off their presence on the other end of a phone line and come back crystal clear. This is a fascinating phenomenon.

On the one hand, I feel like my identity is safely stored in best friends across the country who won't forget who/what I am, even if I'm starting to. That's a reassuring thought. On the other hand, it sucks that those people are all so far away. I know making close friends takes time, but I don't really feel like making new best friends. I have them already. I don't need any more.

Unlike conversations, writing this hasn't clarified much. I guess I want to say thanks to all of you close friends who are far away. I truly appreciate you despite the distance between us and I hope you are all well. Now everyone move to Philadelphia. Just kidding...kind of. Maybe someday we can all live on the same block and be crazy old people together. In the meantime, hearts to you all, and I wish you luck with whatever adventures you're pursuing.

Economic risk assessment

I was just about to post about how lost and alone I felt in the world. And then I opened up my email and someone just dropped me a note to say hi. And now I feel...a little less lost I suppose.

I'm a bit down about school at the moment. Not because I'm performing badly or anything - but because...my school is less revolutionary than I would have hoped. I'm in a class that's about the history of planning, (which I probably shouldn't be taking, because I've already learned most of it in classes at Calvin.) But, when I learned about it at Calvin I learned about the specific ways that institutionalized racism influenced the current state of cities. Race divisions, in my opinion, are among the biggest problems facing planners today. At Penn we haven't even talked about race. My professor described redlining as "economic risk-assessment". (Back in the day banks decided to whom to give mortgages according to maps denoting neighborhoods with different color outlines. Red lines meant don't loan to those neighborhoods, so those people ended up stuck in the cities without loans to upgrade homes, while other people were given loans and moved out of cities.) Redlining, yes in a way, was economic risk assessment, but it was entirely based on race! Black people didn't get loans, white people did. That was redlining. You can find the maps online. It was all about race. Those practices live on today. That is why cities are so segregated. This is HUGELY IMPORTANT!

This class just talks about all these grand plans throughout history without even a concession to their negative externalities - who was displaced? who benefitted and who was hurt? what happened to the poor people and their neighborhoods? When Baron von Haussman bulldozed boulevards through Paris, millions of poor people's homes and neighborhoods were destroyed. A real history of planning class would explore that. I was not expecting to come to one of the best planning schools in the country to listen to regressive, pro-planning cheer leading bullshit. In order to be planners we need to know the whole picture of planning in the past. We need to acknowledge the histories of cities both good and bad - both the prettiness of Paris, and the segregation and grittiness of Detroit.

Anyway...sorry for the brief rant. So...I've gotta pick classes for next semester. I feel like being at school has just confused whatever my previous planning goals were. I'm pretty sure I want to keep concentrating in Urban Design, but should I pursue transportation as a supplement? or should I take a little bit of everything? I don't know. What do I want my career to be? What will be my "great work"? I don't remember. My head is too muddled with planning theory and bullshit planning history. Ugh.

So this weekend should be fun. A Halloween party is happening. I don't have a costume yet and I have a ton of work to do. I'm tempted to recluse this weekend but I know I'll end up going out.

Despite slight sadness and frustration, I'm doing alright. It's good to know someone is thinking of me :) I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving like crazy, although I'm trying to enjoy the present. I keep telling myself there's no point in not enjoying where I'm at right now. In the past I've spent too much time looking to the future. If I always look to the future I'll never live because I'm never enjoying the now.

Sorry for the inarticulateness. I'm in the library. I have much left to do tonight. It's rainy here. Werner Herzog gave a talk today that I didn't get to go to cuz the auditorium was too packed :( Richard Serra is speaking tomorrow. I'm going to get there an hour early.

If you've made it this far, I definitely love you for reading this.

<3
Kristin

Taking Pleasure in work

Dearest friends,

I'm in the computer lab at Meyerson right now, rather than out on Meyerson's patio for Happy Hour. I'm in some pleasureable zone where I'm enjoying all these different design programs. My new favorite is Sketch-up, seen here ---->
You can design cities and buildings all to scale relatively easily. I only know the basics so far but we're going to learn the in-depth stuff to do building features and whatnot next week.

Last week we used Illustrator to redesign a block to include townhouses, trees, parking spaces, and a park. Again, this design is pretty primitive but you get the idea.

In my Planning Theory class we used Illustrator to do more conceptual maps of cities around the world. Each person copied images from Google Earth and pasted them together as the base map in Photoshop. Then we put that map into Illustrator and drew the land uses on top of it. It was pretty time-consuming but also pretty cool. All of the maps used the same color scheme so they're easy to compare and have aesthetic unity. The map primarily shows land uses - urbanized area, water, agriculture and mining, natural land. The red lines are the primary highways.

Anyway, I have more to finish in Sketch-up and on GIS maps tonight. My parents are getting here around 9, so I hope to be done and home by then...probably not going to happen. Which means I'll be swamped on Sunday. But it's ok. It should be a really fun weekend no matter what.

I just wanted to share some of what I'm making with you. It's cool to me, sorry if it's not cool to you. I love you if you're reading this.

<3

Kristin

It's a hideous day and I couldn't be happier

Dearest friends,
It is done. The week of madness has come to an end.

I've learned a few lessons this week, but it seems they were simmering under the surface while my cognitive mind was too busy to synthesize them. First of all, I am capable of working ahead, and I must work ahead even more now than ever before. Second, working on a project with plenty of time can be a pleasureable experience. I can actually enjoy what I'm learning rather than feeling stressed and hurried. Internalizing my work should be my goal, not just completing the assignment as quickly as possible. Third, and this is much to my chagrin, I don't have the time to be a perfectionist. There's seriously too much to be done to do things as perfectly as I'd like to. I'm not used to this. Perhaps my desire for perfection will force me to work more efficiently so I can churn out the best possible products in an allotted time. Fourth, this week feels like a rite of passage. I've gone through the fire, and regardless of the outcomes, I have succeeded at least a little.

Fifth, it is cold and cloudy today and I love it. LOVE IT. Why is this? Just finishing the test didn't cause my happiness. I was content after the test, and then I went to the computer lab and worked on a few things. But I was not ecstatic til on my bike ride home my nose got cold and my fingers got clammy on the handle bars. I was flooded with joy. But why? I think I finally feel settled. All summer long I was partially here and partially at home. I kept relating the warmth and the summer to what I was missing. I think I subconsiously knew summer was ephemeral and that was hanging over me, like uncertainty and change were just around the corner and they were going to take me by surprise. The advent of the cold feels like I'm settled. I'm here. I belong here. Friendships are getting a bit more settled. Patterns are becoming established.

Mmm...yes, that's an important realization of the day. I'm forming habits. I'm learning how to organize time, learning when to socialize with friends, alloting time for relaxation. Habits feel good. Habits make me feel permanent rather than transient. My perceptions of self, time, space, friends, work and their interrelations are all changing. College for me was forming complex relationships with friends and learning about myself in the process. I internalized my school learning through informal conversations with my friends. Grad school for me is forming complex relationships with different kinds of work and in the process adapting myself to the material and the time constraints. I'm learning my limits and challenging my capacities. It feels very individualistic. I don't know how I feel about that.

Wow. Writing certainly helps one to sort thoughts, no? I hope this is somewhat sensical as my brain is kinda fried. In any case, for your prayers, thoughts, and pump-up songs this week, I thank and love you all.

-Kristin

Smiles, hearts and stars

A few things:

1. Thanks to those of you who've given me song suggestions. They've been great! Keep 'em coming if you'd like. I'll post a completed playlist once I get a chance to put it all together.

2. Brian informed me that my blog's settings didn't allow people who weren't on Blogger to post comments. I think I fixed this. Please let me know if it is/ isn't fixed.

3. Smiles, hearts and stars...
For whatever reason I'm in good spirits. I've been working pretty hard this week, I still have a lot to do, but I'm feeling accomplished. I feel like I can do it. It's all good.

I kind of took a break from the library yesterday. I went running and made cookies for a potluck dinner that we had last night. It was at Clint's parents' house (which is absolutely gorgeous.) People brought great food and I had some great conversations. The cookies went over well: they compelled Stacy to nearly propose. (Stacy is a boy by the way.) I used my mom's monster cookie recipe but I veganized it and made some other top-secret changes. If I make some more I'll mail them around the country for you all to try. Stacy's friend Dylan was in town from Luxembourg (although he's actually British), and he was a riot. David's girlfriend, Alicia? was also in town from law school at UVA. She was really cool too. I think it was the kind of break we all needed - low-key with real food and real friends.

After the dinner some of us went to Doobie's bar around the corner. I had some more really lovely conversations there. It's always good to speak passionately about something and have someone else understand you perfectly. After the bar I guided Stacy and Dylan to Bob and Barbara's (bar) before heading home to crash.

I suppose I could've stayed in last night and tried to get more work done, but I think part of any education is getting to know your peers. Talking about planning-type issues in a more theoretical context is so much more meaningful than exchanging frustrated anecdotes about how much homework we have. I hope there will be more nights like tomorrow night and that I don't let myself get entirely consumed by schoolwork.

Apparently we have a lot of work in this program. Alicia was saying that it sounds like way more work than her law program (and UVA is one of the top law programs in the country). Genevieve, who's roommate in med school, says our workload is at least comparable. I suppose the challenging thing about our program is that it's not just reading and absorbing information. We actually have to produce things: maps, papers, stats labs. And we have to think in a lot of different ways - reading, writing, concepts, numbers, graphics. I guess I like hearing that our program is hard. It makes me feel like I'm doing something legitimate. Perhaps cuz my sister and dad are both doctors I have an inferiority complex about the prestigiousness/intellect required for whatever career I chose. So yeah, it's good to think I'm doing something equally as hard.

Anyway, back to the swamp. Wish me luck. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. And if you're reading this I love you.

Treading water

For those of you who've been to college, perhaps you remember the week or two before finals. Every thing is piling up, you have two research papers to write, two final projects for studio classes, one lab project and four exams to study for. Looking over the pile it's easy to become hopeless, it's easy to despair. Yet you have hope. You know you can and will finish it all, because you've succeeded every other semester. You might think to yourself "in two weeks I will be home for Christmas/Summer vacation and I can relax and this will all be behind me."

Now take that pile, add daily readings that you must keep up with, and make all of those aforementioned projects due every two weeks. This is grad school. Not only is the workload bigger, but the stakes are much higher. I'm not learning for a grade anymore, I'm learning for my career. The history and theory of planning, the concentric zone model, Adobe Illustrator, GIS - these are things I will have to know for my life. If I want to fix cities I can't just learn this stuff for a test. I have to internalize it and figure out what kind of planner I want to be. That's intense.

At the moment I'm trying to find my best course of action. Historically, I'm a big fan of the put-everything-off-to -the-last-minute model and finishing everything in marathon-like chunks of time. Obviously this will not work here. I've been figuring out where I work best, and how much studying I can do in a day before ceasing to be productive. My current strategy is that when I'm too brain-dead to actually think (like for my statistics class) I can keep being productive in front of the TV by doing mindless map work in Illustrator. I'm hoping if I'm always doing something I'll keep up.

I'm trying not to let it stress me out or get me down. School is school. Just two years right? In the meantime I'm dreaming of the amazing career I'll pursue when I get out of here. I'm also trying to take advantage of the other academic non-school things going on around here. I went to a lecture about the book "The Omnivore's Dilemma" on Wednesday which was really interesting. Perhaps I'll post about that later.

At the moment back to work. I'm still in my pajamas, doing laundry as I work on analyzing Census Tract 151 in Philadelphia. I'm sure you're fascinated and want to know more about my project. Wish me luck, stamina and productivity. I love you all.

Saturday Routine

I don't know what I want to write about today. Nothing that's going on is culminating in any sort of overarching theme. I'm feeling about a million different things at once, I'm confused about pretty much every relationship I'm in, and I don't know what to make of school. When I was mulling this all over this morning, (as I do typically like to mull in the mornings) I thought I've never felt like this before. Then I read my journal from last fall around this time and realized I am always like this. The more things change the more they stay the same.

First: relationships. Friendships are particularly new for me at the moment. I realized I'm much better at making guy friends than girl friends a long time ago. Usually that's cool, but now I'm afraid to make guy friends cuz it seems like it'd be going for something more than friends? I dunno. So girl friends, I actually want some of those, but it seems like cultivating a meaningful friendship with a girl takes a lot of time. Moreso, I think I believe in soul mates more for relationships with girls than guys. My closest girl friends - Natalie, Carrie, Erica, - we hit it off and I knew there was potential there from the get go. There are a lot of cool girls in this program, so I guess I just hope I hit it off with some of them. Currently, I've got a group I hang out with, but I'm tired of the party scene and definitely want something less superficial. Again, it's only September, we'll see how it all works out.

Relationships - Relationships past. Distance, time, past, present. What's worth investing in? Who's worth keeping in touch with? Conversations are investments. To have one, I must really open myself up and let someone in. Often I'm left emotionally drained. Talking is so taxing. There are some channels I wonder if I want to leave open? On the other hand, relationships present. Opening myself up for the first time, letting someone get to know me. The extra effort that it takes to transcend space inherently says something about the relationship. Am I worth that investment? Am I ready for something that connotes serious interest?

Relationships - family. Why do I miss my family? This feels new to me or newish. I've definitely never missed my parents before. This summer was the first time my mom and I really got to know each other. We had some great conversations and I've learned to appreciate her wisdom in areas I never recognized previously. Now I feel some nostalgia to know who she and her sisters were when they were my age. As my grandma gets older I have a desire to know her and the Wieand girl legacy or something. I miss Julie a lot too. She's probably one of my closest friends. Sisters are sweet, and I really wish I lived closer to her. I miss Rick, maybe I'm used to that by now, but even so, I miss knowing what's going on with him.

School - Am I ever content with school? While I sometimes and usually love to learn, I suck at sitting down and cranking out school work. I am easily distracted (which this blog confirms) by my own swirling self-reflections. What's up with that? I need to turn off that part of my brain sometimes. Anyway, now that I've made this huge investment in this school (not only monetarily but emotionally, relationally, etc.) I'm second-guessing it. I know that's stupid. I do want to do this. But watching Top Chef makes me want to quit everything, go to pastry school, and open a cafe-bakery that's open all night. I currently make desserts for everyone's b'day and I love it. It's therapeutic and so satisfying, b/c what's better than having someone make something delicious for you? I know this is stupid. I know whatever I do I will second guess it and consider/wish I was doing something else. I do want my life's work to be more than dessert. I am enjoying planning and I do have grand dreams for fixing the fabric of our cities. I'm just lazy. And, I have a fear complex when approaching new school work. I'm all afraid I don't/won't know what I'm doing so I don't even want to start an assignment. I'm psyching myself out. I've got to get over that fast.

So that's all. I'm here listening to John Lennon's "Walls and Bridges" album. I'm trying to decide if I should go elsewhere to study. I'm still mulling. I've got a lot to do. I have to figure out how to actually make myself get stuff done. I love you if you're reading this.