I don't know what I want to write about today. Nothing that's going on is culminating in any sort of overarching theme. I'm feeling about a million different things at once, I'm confused about pretty much every relationship I'm in, and I don't know what to make of school. When I was mulling this all over this morning, (as I do typically like to mull in the mornings) I thought I've never felt like this before. Then I read my journal from last fall around this time and realized I am always like this. The more things change the more they stay the same.
First: relationships. Friendships are particularly new for me at the moment. I realized I'm much better at making guy friends than girl friends a long time ago. Usually that's cool, but now I'm afraid to make guy friends cuz it seems like it'd be going for something more than friends? I dunno. So girl friends, I actually want some of those, but it seems like cultivating a meaningful friendship with a girl takes a lot of time. Moreso, I think I believe in soul mates more for relationships with girls than guys. My closest girl friends - Natalie, Carrie, Erica, - we hit it off and I knew there was potential there from the get go. There are a lot of cool girls in this program, so I guess I just hope I hit it off with some of them. Currently, I've got a group I hang out with, but I'm tired of the party scene and definitely want something less superficial. Again, it's only September, we'll see how it all works out.
Relationships - Relationships past. Distance, time, past, present. What's worth investing in? Who's worth keeping in touch with? Conversations are investments. To have one, I must really open myself up and let someone in. Often I'm left emotionally drained. Talking is so taxing. There are some channels I wonder if I want to leave open? On the other hand, relationships present. Opening myself up for the first time, letting someone get to know me. The extra effort that it takes to transcend space inherently says something about the relationship. Am I worth that investment? Am I ready for something that connotes serious interest?
Relationships - family. Why do I miss my family? This feels new to me or newish. I've definitely never missed my parents before. This summer was the first time my mom and I really got to know each other. We had some great conversations and I've learned to appreciate her wisdom in areas I never recognized previously. Now I feel some nostalgia to know who she and her sisters were when they were my age. As my grandma gets older I have a desire to know her and the Wieand girl legacy or something. I miss Julie a lot too. She's probably one of my closest friends. Sisters are sweet, and I really wish I lived closer to her. I miss Rick, maybe I'm used to that by now, but even so, I miss knowing what's going on with him.
School - Am I ever content with school? While I sometimes and usually love to learn, I suck at sitting down and cranking out school work. I am easily distracted (which this blog confirms) by my own swirling self-reflections. What's up with that? I need to turn off that part of my brain sometimes. Anyway, now that I've made this huge investment in this school (not only monetarily but emotionally, relationally, etc.) I'm second-guessing it. I know that's stupid. I do want to do this. But watching Top Chef makes me want to quit everything, go to pastry school, and open a cafe-bakery that's open all night. I currently make desserts for everyone's b'day and I love it. It's therapeutic and so satisfying, b/c what's better than having someone make something delicious for you? I know this is stupid. I know whatever I do I will second guess it and consider/wish I was doing something else. I do want my life's work to be more than dessert. I am enjoying planning and I do have grand dreams for fixing the fabric of our cities. I'm just lazy. And, I have a fear complex when approaching new school work. I'm all afraid I don't/won't know what I'm doing so I don't even want to start an assignment. I'm psyching myself out. I've got to get over that fast.
So that's all. I'm here listening to John Lennon's "Walls and Bridges" album. I'm trying to decide if I should go elsewhere to study. I'm still mulling. I've got a lot to do. I have to figure out how to actually make myself get stuff done. I love you if you're reading this.
1 comment:
I know what you mean about soul mates with the same sex as opposed to the opposite. Ben is still here with me for another week, and I told him that I would not let him leave. I have gotten used to him here for the month, and it will be hard to get used to life alone again.
As far as missing family goes, I just got back from Seattle on a business trip. Driving through the city and going out for dinner with my parents made me feel similar to you. I really missed them and the area, and sometimes I think that I am stupid for taking a job down here and not up there.
Reading your comments about school and making dessert for your friends made me think of the main female character in "Stranger than Fiction." It also reminded me of my Sophomore year birthday at Paul's apartment when you gave me that cake and we made pancakes for everyone.
Kristin, you are not lazy. Trust me. I know some lazy people. I think the coolest thing about what you are doing is that you really believe in it. You believe in it enough to live it by ditching your car and finding other ways to get around. If that is not passion and ambition, then I don't know what is.
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