Two separate but related thoughts:
One - I am learning a lot at school. This is good. I am learning new skills in the forms of new computer programs and data analysis methods. I am also learning new theories of planning which are quite fascinating and are blowing my mind. The problem is that I have so much stuff to do that I don't have time to internalize the theory. I know it and understand it, but I don't have time to think about it and absorb it into my personal theory of what kind of planner I want to be. I came here so certain of what I wanted to do and now I feel confused and overwhelmed and uncertain about all of the options and realities of what planners actually do.
Two - I missed Grand Rapids for the first time a couple days ago. I realized how much I took it for granted. More specifically, I did not appreciate how lucky I was to have not just one but many close friends to whom I could talk about anything at any time. I missed having people to stay up late with and/or have conversations with while falling asleep.
These two thoughts are cyclically related. First, I realized the problem from part one through a phone conversation with a friend from part two. (Sorry, this is mad cryptic) Essentially, I internalized all of my learning in undergrad because I had good friends to talk to about everything. I also make my best realizations about myself by talking to people who know me well. They don't even have to talk, I can just talk at them, and by talking, all of a sudden, I have a revelation about whatever situation I'm talking about.
The moral of the story: In a previous blog (http://urbananarama.blogspot.com/2007/09/on-love.html) I talked about how love (as in a relationship) makes a person real. I think this extends to friends. Being known and loved by someone, and being able to confide in someone -- the fact that that relationship exists somehow substantiates your existence. Just a conversation with a good friend (even if they're hundreds of miles away) is like looking in a mirror after you haven't seen your reflection in a long time. If you're forgetting yourself or are confused about who or what you are, a friend can remind you without saying anything. Your muddled thoughts bounce off their presence on the other end of a phone line and come back crystal clear. This is a fascinating phenomenon.
On the one hand, I feel like my identity is safely stored in best friends across the country who won't forget who/what I am, even if I'm starting to. That's a reassuring thought. On the other hand, it sucks that those people are all so far away. I know making close friends takes time, but I don't really feel like making new best friends. I have them already. I don't need any more.
Unlike conversations, writing this hasn't clarified much. I guess I want to say thanks to all of you close friends who are far away. I truly appreciate you despite the distance between us and I hope you are all well. Now everyone move to Philadelphia. Just kidding...kind of. Maybe someday we can all live on the same block and be crazy old people together. In the meantime, hearts to you all, and I wish you luck with whatever adventures you're pursuing.
3 comments:
i agree. internalizing what you learn is big. right now i feel like all i've learned in school is gonna dissipate in the wind if not utilized soon.
ps. your blog is great. im glad you have blogger, its the best. did you know i had one too? i dont write as much but still cool.
hug,
-p.
this post made me very sad and want to fly to Philly to hang with you. i totally know what you mean by taking good friends for granted. in college, i sometimes felt like i was in a socially exhausting environment because i could not get away from anyone and have time to myself to do my own stuff. now i am by myself and it is a blessing to have time to do my own stuff, but there are many days where i would sacrifice that to be socially exhausted for a bit again. so you are not the only one.
the weird part is that these feelings come in phases. a lot of the time, i am glad to be here starting fresh, but then like the wind my mood changes and i am missing all of my wonderful college friends who know my soul.
i liked what you said about another person making you substantial or human.
love,
brian
Looks like I'm a bit late at reading this one. But it's all true.
side note: hope the plunging is going well ;)
Carrie and Dean came to visit last weekend, and it was great. The first night they were here we drank and ate pizza and talked about the flaws of the health care system and lots of other bullshit that I never talk about anymore. I remember when we used to have a lot more conversations that didn't mean a thing. Now all I feel is this urgency to make every minute productive etc.
Is that a banana peal on your head Bri?
-V
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