Treading water

For those of you who've been to college, perhaps you remember the week or two before finals. Every thing is piling up, you have two research papers to write, two final projects for studio classes, one lab project and four exams to study for. Looking over the pile it's easy to become hopeless, it's easy to despair. Yet you have hope. You know you can and will finish it all, because you've succeeded every other semester. You might think to yourself "in two weeks I will be home for Christmas/Summer vacation and I can relax and this will all be behind me."

Now take that pile, add daily readings that you must keep up with, and make all of those aforementioned projects due every two weeks. This is grad school. Not only is the workload bigger, but the stakes are much higher. I'm not learning for a grade anymore, I'm learning for my career. The history and theory of planning, the concentric zone model, Adobe Illustrator, GIS - these are things I will have to know for my life. If I want to fix cities I can't just learn this stuff for a test. I have to internalize it and figure out what kind of planner I want to be. That's intense.

At the moment I'm trying to find my best course of action. Historically, I'm a big fan of the put-everything-off-to -the-last-minute model and finishing everything in marathon-like chunks of time. Obviously this will not work here. I've been figuring out where I work best, and how much studying I can do in a day before ceasing to be productive. My current strategy is that when I'm too brain-dead to actually think (like for my statistics class) I can keep being productive in front of the TV by doing mindless map work in Illustrator. I'm hoping if I'm always doing something I'll keep up.

I'm trying not to let it stress me out or get me down. School is school. Just two years right? In the meantime I'm dreaming of the amazing career I'll pursue when I get out of here. I'm also trying to take advantage of the other academic non-school things going on around here. I went to a lecture about the book "The Omnivore's Dilemma" on Wednesday which was really interesting. Perhaps I'll post about that later.

At the moment back to work. I'm still in my pajamas, doing laundry as I work on analyzing Census Tract 151 in Philadelphia. I'm sure you're fascinated and want to know more about my project. Wish me luck, stamina and productivity. I love you all.

On love

Here's what I'm thinking:
We all just want to be loved. We're all just floating around in this crazy world pursuing whatever goals and dreams we have. And all any of us really wants is to know someone else, just one other person, gets it. Gets our existence. They don't necessarily have to agree with everything we think. They do have to appreciate it. Once they do, well, then we're not just floating around anymore. Then we're real, because someone realizes (as in makes real) us by realizing (as in understanding) what we're made of, what we stand for, what crazy complexities comprise our personalities.

That's what love is I think. "I get you. I think you're worth something. I may not be just like you, but I like how you think, I like what you do, I admire it, and I'll do everything I can to support it and to support your pursuit of it."

And that's the point of love. Most of us need partners. I mean, I feel entirely complete on my own. It's not an issue of completeness. It's an issue of partnership. Life is tough sometimes. Pursuing our crazy pursuits is tough. We need teammates to help us do it. I don't think that's weakness. I think that's an inherent necessity. If not in a romantic relationship, at least in some sort of relationship with another person.

I'm convinced that practically any two people can make it work. There are definitely some factors which will make it better or worse. Some essentials are shared views on what the world is like: are people good or bad? are social issues important? which is more important to you: money or saving the world? Obviously religious views are huge. But again, two people don't have to have a lot in common to have quite successful relationships. On the other hand, two very similar people can have a really hard time of it. I don't know any common factor to the successful relationship formula besides plain old commitment.

My realization at the moment is this: I don't want to just "make it work." I don't want to just commit. I know I'm capable of it, I've done it plenty. I want more than that. I want something extraordinary. I've made it work enough. I'm definitely seeing differences in how easy or difficult or successful or unsuccessful it can be. The problem is this: Relationships are so much investment. It hurts to put so much into something. I'm tired of investing. This isn't to say there have not been valuable returns in the form of lessons learned, for example. I'm just tired of the guess-and-check method. I want to know how to know if something is worth it before I throw my whole heart and head and life in. Is that too much to ask?

The summary: I need a partner (if not right now, in the long run) I want something better than just workable. Unfortunately, I'm tired of investing myself. So, I dunno what that leaves me with. Just let things roll how they may and see what happens?

Saturday Routine

I don't know what I want to write about today. Nothing that's going on is culminating in any sort of overarching theme. I'm feeling about a million different things at once, I'm confused about pretty much every relationship I'm in, and I don't know what to make of school. When I was mulling this all over this morning, (as I do typically like to mull in the mornings) I thought I've never felt like this before. Then I read my journal from last fall around this time and realized I am always like this. The more things change the more they stay the same.

First: relationships. Friendships are particularly new for me at the moment. I realized I'm much better at making guy friends than girl friends a long time ago. Usually that's cool, but now I'm afraid to make guy friends cuz it seems like it'd be going for something more than friends? I dunno. So girl friends, I actually want some of those, but it seems like cultivating a meaningful friendship with a girl takes a lot of time. Moreso, I think I believe in soul mates more for relationships with girls than guys. My closest girl friends - Natalie, Carrie, Erica, - we hit it off and I knew there was potential there from the get go. There are a lot of cool girls in this program, so I guess I just hope I hit it off with some of them. Currently, I've got a group I hang out with, but I'm tired of the party scene and definitely want something less superficial. Again, it's only September, we'll see how it all works out.

Relationships - Relationships past. Distance, time, past, present. What's worth investing in? Who's worth keeping in touch with? Conversations are investments. To have one, I must really open myself up and let someone in. Often I'm left emotionally drained. Talking is so taxing. There are some channels I wonder if I want to leave open? On the other hand, relationships present. Opening myself up for the first time, letting someone get to know me. The extra effort that it takes to transcend space inherently says something about the relationship. Am I worth that investment? Am I ready for something that connotes serious interest?

Relationships - family. Why do I miss my family? This feels new to me or newish. I've definitely never missed my parents before. This summer was the first time my mom and I really got to know each other. We had some great conversations and I've learned to appreciate her wisdom in areas I never recognized previously. Now I feel some nostalgia to know who she and her sisters were when they were my age. As my grandma gets older I have a desire to know her and the Wieand girl legacy or something. I miss Julie a lot too. She's probably one of my closest friends. Sisters are sweet, and I really wish I lived closer to her. I miss Rick, maybe I'm used to that by now, but even so, I miss knowing what's going on with him.

School - Am I ever content with school? While I sometimes and usually love to learn, I suck at sitting down and cranking out school work. I am easily distracted (which this blog confirms) by my own swirling self-reflections. What's up with that? I need to turn off that part of my brain sometimes. Anyway, now that I've made this huge investment in this school (not only monetarily but emotionally, relationally, etc.) I'm second-guessing it. I know that's stupid. I do want to do this. But watching Top Chef makes me want to quit everything, go to pastry school, and open a cafe-bakery that's open all night. I currently make desserts for everyone's b'day and I love it. It's therapeutic and so satisfying, b/c what's better than having someone make something delicious for you? I know this is stupid. I know whatever I do I will second guess it and consider/wish I was doing something else. I do want my life's work to be more than dessert. I am enjoying planning and I do have grand dreams for fixing the fabric of our cities. I'm just lazy. And, I have a fear complex when approaching new school work. I'm all afraid I don't/won't know what I'm doing so I don't even want to start an assignment. I'm psyching myself out. I've got to get over that fast.

So that's all. I'm here listening to John Lennon's "Walls and Bridges" album. I'm trying to decide if I should go elsewhere to study. I'm still mulling. I've got a lot to do. I have to figure out how to actually make myself get stuff done. I love you if you're reading this.

Falling

Studying at a café. Today is the first chilly day so far. The air is noticeably crisp, my blue hooded sweatshirt is comfortable, and my flip-flopped toes are cold. I’m trying to figure out why fall’s advent invariably makes me sad. And lonely. Lonely is the best description of it. Everyone else loves it. It scares me to death. Natalie talks about a "sense of impending doom" that she gets from time to time. The first bite of a fall breeze invariably floods me with that feeling.

I'll try to deconstruct my feelings by looking to my past. I think back to high school when fall meant marching band, football games, Tom. All of those things were anxiety-ridden to say the least. Before that I remember starting middle school and not knowing who my friends would be that year or how my classes would be, being scared in sports and scared of teachers. After that, college meant coming back to the stress of the art program and friends and Vijay. Over the summer Grand Rapids looked so comfortable and home-like on the horizon. But upon arrival, I was always thrown off by even the smallest changes in dynamics between me and my friends' relationships, how much time we spent together, where we hung out.

Maybe that's what it boils down to. Fall is change for me. In my cognitive calender Fall feels like the real beginning of the new year. Fall is the transition into whatever I'm beginning. I should become Jewish so I can celebrate Rosh Hashanah. (I wonder if when I’m finally done with school, fall will mean something different?)

I think I'm pretty sensitive to my environment in general - any changes in light, color, temperature, breeze. I notice these things can literally take me from a soaringly good mood to a sad one instantly. Fall varies pretty extremely from Indian summers in September to shivering stick trees and snow storms in November. It also has to do with directionality. I love spring because it's taking me out of winter and into summer. It's a change in a good direction. Fall is taking me away from summer (which I think is my best season) and into winter, which is easily my worst. (What's my problem? Who has seasons? I'm ridiculous.)

Additionally, I want to be in love in fall. It’s chilly and I want to hold hands with someone. I want to huddle under a blanket at a football game or share a steamy cup of coffee in the park. Cities are the most romantic places to me and I want to be in love in this one. And well...the current laws governing speed, time and distance make that a bit impossible at the moment. (Missing people is so pointless. The only benefit is it confirms/reiterates how much you care for someone. But after that it just hurts. The best thing is to not think of it.)

I also miss my family like I never have before. Well, no. I always miss Chicago because it always feels like home. But that feeling is rather intense at the moment. I really can’t wait to see my sister and my grandma and my aunts and cousins. Thanksgiving is an exciting thing on the horizon. I just have to get through all the school between now and then.

In any case I’m ok. I’m consistently running again which feels good. I am enjoying my classes and my friends. I feel a lot of things. But I feel good. I’m excited about life. Excited enough. A bit worried about money. A bit worried about finding a church. But things are ok and I’m ok and I’m going to be ok.

Circuses

Yesterday was our third walking tour of Philadelphia. I was with the TA's this time, which I might've preferred as it seems our tour covered more interesting things in more depth. I now know a slew of fun facts about practically every part of Philly proper so...y'all gotsta come see me. My favorite part was definitely the Wanamaker building (currently Macy's). The building was designed by Daniel Burnham (the guy who planned all of Chicago). The pipe organ is the biggest in the world. The coolest thing is that the building was designed to be Wanamaker's department store. It kind of shows how important downtown, department stores were for cities at the time. It's cool that a private company would put so much funding into creating a beautiful space primarily for public use. The picture obviously doesn't do it justice. I guess during Christmas they still deck out the whole thing and it's a center of activity.

The day concluded at Reading Terminal, which is also amazing. It's an indoor market with tons of booths where you can find almost any kind of food or delicious treat. I bought all my produce there because it's really cheap inexpensive. Some people went to play mini-golf afterward but Christy and I went home b/c Duncan, a guy around the corner, was having a yard sale. It was not just any yard sale. To create ambiance for example, a circus record was playing in the background the entire time. Duncan has rented an Airstream trailer to travel cross country and is selling all of his stuff. A self-admitted pack rat, he had the craziest and most random crap I've ever seen.

Things weren't priced individually; instead you had to make a pile of stuff and make an offer, and he'd accept based on "how many beers I've had, and how many beers you've had." (Beer, Mike's hard lemonade, and Wood Chuck pear cider were provided.) Lots of items were "free with purchase", as in, if you take something you like, you've gotta take something you don't like. Christy and I wanted "Therapy" so we had to take "Careers for girls", and "The Bionic Woman" and "The Six Million Dollar Man" have to go together because they're married. We also made off with a toaster, a really nice floor lamp, kitchen knives, a box of linens with a CD player and speakers in it, mixing bowls...perhaps more, I forget, all for $20. Now our kitchen is officially on its way to being decked out.

Duncan and his friends may have started a theme for the day. I definitely ended up at a gay bar last night which was really really fun because it was just as I had always pictured: Whitney Houston / Britney Spears remixes, pretty boys dancing, disco ball, etc. It was rather fantastic. Unexpected point of interest: a lot of gay guys go into urban planning. At Duncan's place, two of his friends were planners. One of the guys we were out with last night, who no one thought was gay, ended up going home with someone from the club, or so we think. The single girls in the program are lamenting that the list of available straight guys is slowly losing members to the list of straight taken guys and newly discovered gay guys. Alas. At the risk of sounding totally naive, people going home together at the end of the night with people they just met, and people from the program hooking up randomly is all unsettling to me. I know it happens all the time, but I don't have to think it's healthy. My generation does not have clear social norms to guide people's dating practices. It seems like none of us know how to properly relate to people we're interested in and I've seen too many friends get emotionally effed up because of it. This frustrates me.

As fun as the day was...I'm kind of getting sick of the party scene. I'm looking forward to getting settled in and having friends that I can have normal conversations with, rather than only making small talk at bars and then loud drunk talk after bars at the end of the night. I'm wondering if this group of people is just like this, or if grad school is just like this, or if the real world is just like this? Natalie always told me that my friends at Calvin had intellectual orgies. Perhaps that was true and I took it for granted. I don't really miss the pretentiousness of those conversations, but I do miss talking about something real. I'm sure things will get settled in soon and once classes start this may all be a different story. I mean, we're all in city planning for a reason - and it's definitely not money. I'm sure we're standing on some common ideological ground. And as I hear this program's about to kick my ass, I'm thinking there won't be much time left for partying at the end of the day... well at the end of every day at least.

Lesson # 2: the Fisher Library is Phat and Philly is Phit

The Fisher Fine Arts Library is officially my favorite building in the world. I studied up there today and twas great. I felt fancy. Don't know if you can tell from the picture, but the graduate carrels are perched in a narrow cat-walk type space above the main library. I read Jane Jacobs, Allen Jacobs (Great Streets) and Kevin Lynch (Design of cities?). I feel officially on my way to being a planner.

I also biked a lot today. There's a path that runs next to the river which is quite scenic. It goes about 20 miles up to Valley Forge National Park, but I only went about 7, up to Falls Bridge. I did my sketches for class along the way. There are quite a few parks and benches and picnic tables and various other interesting places to stop throughout the ride. It reminded me of biking through Minneapolis with Carrie. It seems like a very effective way to allow city-dwellers to get a breath of fresh air and feel like they're "out of the city" without having to travel too far. So whoever designed it: kudos to you.

Realization of the day: I haven't been in/on any form of motorized transport in five days, which is probably the longest span of time in my life. This blows my mind. Now that I don't have a car, walking and biking and maybe busing or subwaying (not a word, I know) are my only options for getting around. I'm used to it already. Biking is pretty fun. It's a very efficient form of transportation. It's about twice as fast as walking, and for a commute it ranges from 2/3's as fast to just as fast or faster than taking a bus or car depending on traffic/rush hour, etc. Additionally, and this is my favorite part, if you commute by bike (or by foot/rollerblade/etc.) you are incorporating exercise into the fabric of your life. It's not this chore that you have to set aside additional time for. It's how you get around. I think that is the core of why Americans are so much fatter than everyone else. Besides city dwellers, most of us drive EVERYWHERE. Then we rush off to the gym for an hour to get in our cardio. This might sound like madness, but, what if rather than walking on a treadmill or biking on a bike machine, we were doing the same things in real life in order to get somewhere?

I know I wanted to concentrate on transportation in grad school, and I think I still do (although urban design is edging in.) But this crazy idea of biking is bringing new things to my attention. Mass transit (train transit especially) is excellent for bringing people to and from the city. But for getting around the city, mass transit must be treated differently. Most people don't like using buses because they're stuck in the same traffic they'd be stuck in in a car. Trolleys and subways are cool, especially for big cities, but for the average commute within the city, those require quite a bit of infrastructure to move people relatively short distances. I'm thinking bike traffic needs to be better incorporated into plans for city transit.

So, thoughts for the day: bikes are sweet, bike paths that go on for 20 miles are sweet, non-motorized commuting is sweet, the Fine Arts Library is VERY sweet. The only not sweet thing: it's fun to explore all of these things on my own, but...part of the fun of finding sweet things is sharing them. So...if you're reading this you should come visit me so I can impress you with all of the sweetness in my new city.

Lesson #1: Philly is phashionable

I've decided to make a blog about my new life in a new city. I know, it's really original. But, every day is filled with such wonderful new things that I feel I should keep track of them all. (In keeping with the groundbreaking originality of this blog, I'll probably choose some cliche theme or lesson of the day.) And, I am now for the first time living the farthest I ever have from the people I love. I've never been good at keeping in touch, maybe because I never felt the distance was that great, but now I'd really like to. I don't want to be that person who calls all of her friends every day, and I hate the phone anyway, but I do want you all to know about my life. And I do want to know about all of yours. Obviously I realize how egocentric it is to assume that you're all pining to know every detail of my day...so I guess this is really just for Mom and Dad. But anyway, I love you all and I hope you care to check up on me once in a while.

Lesson for today: Philly is phashionable (I know, clever right?)

I find it really hard to not dress up every day that I live in Philadelphia, because everyone around me is dressed up. I don't mean office clothes or night-on-the-town clothes. I mean people are put together. No one crawls out of bed in hoodies and jeans (well it's too hot for that I suppose) or college t-shirts and shorts around here. People look good. They have style. And that's inspiring. Whether or not I want to replicate everything I see, I definitely appreciate how every person on the street spent some time getting fancy before they went out the door. Not only have I gone shopping (not too much) but in bursts of creativity I've altered a bunch of my clothes and come out with some good results.

So I'm on some clothing missions here in Philadelphia. 1. I need some cute sneakers. 2. I need skirts, flowy dresses, and a tube top in order to survive this mad humidity which is a Philly summer, and all of which can transition into fall or winter wear. The problem with shopping missions however is once you have an idea of what you want it's so hard to find it. I'm looking for a Puma-like sneaker - pretty light, sole not too thick, tongue not prominent, $40 or less, kind of Euro...it slips into inexpressible criteria at that point. I've searched high and low and found some things which would be suitable, but I haven't found THE shoe. It's like I'm searching for my soul mate. Perhaps I shall go to the Puma store, pick a style I like, and then see if I can find it on Ebay?

I don't mean to be shallow and waste time talking about clothes. Clothes aren't really what I learned about today - they reflect what I learned. First, cities have energy. People who don't know each other are walking and biking and driving around each other, and even if they don't talk, their visual exchanges of existence have an effect on one another. They are atoms bouncing off each other, exchanging energy, and continuing on altered paths - and it's all subconscious. With personal style people are exchanging ideas subconsciously, promoting certain brands/stores and not others, even displaying subcultures and beliefs. Then, regardless of the individual's style, the fact that everyone has style creates a social norm which holds everyone to a higher fashion standard. That's pretty neat.

The second thing I learned is more about me. I'm in some weird but pleasant state of simultaneous connection and disconnection. A lot of my heart is rooted to true home (Detroit) (and that keeps me from feeling total anomie,) while new parts of me are connecting to my new city, my new classmates, my new apartment, my new home. At the same time I have all this independence - no one to answer to or tell where I'm going. I love times like these because I feel like I have a clean canvas on which to rediscover/invent? what it means to be me. And me, well, I guess I'm a city girl at heart because I feed off the energy of this city. Every city thing I do makes me happy: being surrounded by people I don't know, not needing a car, buying groceries on my bike, getting asked for directions, exploring totally different neighborhoods that are just blocks from one another...I feel like I'm part of something real. Even though it's a big place and I'm somewhat anonymous in it, I feel like I'm now part of this city's life. It's affecting me (for example, my clothes) and I'm leaving subtle imprints on it. This is fascinating and refreshing and exiting.

Part of my personality I suppose is to express my creativity through dress. This past summer I found myself caring about my clothes mostly because I wanted to look nice for somebody. There's definitely nothing wrong with that. (I'm still doing things so I'll look nice for that somebody the next time I see them.) But now, in the absence of that motivation, I find myself dressing as an expression of myself. It's good to remember who I am. It's good to feel inspired. It's good to think that maybe my fashion is a small part contribution to the invisible, unspoken life of the city. It's good to think that I'm an atom in this mix.