Here's what I'm thinking:
We all just want to be loved. We're all just floating around in this crazy world pursuing whatever goals and dreams we have. And all any of us really wants is to know someone else, just one other person, gets it. Gets our existence. They don't necessarily have to agree with everything we think. They do have to appreciate it. Once they do, well, then we're not just floating around anymore. Then we're real, because someone realizes (as in makes real) us by realizing (as in understanding) what we're made of, what we stand for, what crazy complexities comprise our personalities.
That's what love is I think. "I get you. I think you're worth something. I may not be just like you, but I like how you think, I like what you do, I admire it, and I'll do everything I can to support it and to support your pursuit of it."
And that's the point of love. Most of us need partners. I mean, I feel entirely complete on my own. It's not an issue of completeness. It's an issue of partnership. Life is tough sometimes. Pursuing our crazy pursuits is tough. We need teammates to help us do it. I don't think that's weakness. I think that's an inherent necessity. If not in a romantic relationship, at least in some sort of relationship with another person.
I'm convinced that practically any two people can make it work. There are definitely some factors which will make it better or worse. Some essentials are shared views on what the world is like: are people good or bad? are social issues important? which is more important to you: money or saving the world? Obviously religious views are huge. But again, two people don't have to have a lot in common to have quite successful relationships. On the other hand, two very similar people can have a really hard time of it. I don't know any common factor to the successful relationship formula besides plain old commitment.
My realization at the moment is this: I don't want to just "make it work." I don't want to just commit. I know I'm capable of it, I've done it plenty. I want more than that. I want something extraordinary. I've made it work enough. I'm definitely seeing differences in how easy or difficult or successful or unsuccessful it can be. The problem is this: Relationships are so much investment. It hurts to put so much into something. I'm tired of investing. This isn't to say there have not been valuable returns in the form of lessons learned, for example. I'm just tired of the guess-and-check method. I want to know how to know if something is worth it before I throw my whole heart and head and life in. Is that too much to ask?
The summary: I need a partner (if not right now, in the long run) I want something better than just workable. Unfortunately, I'm tired of investing myself. So, I dunno what that leaves me with. Just let things roll how they may and see what happens?
3 comments:
What you said about not just wanting to "make it work," but wanting something more makes me think of the old saying that my mom always told me: "don't just find someone you can live with; find someone you can't live without." That is kind of an overstatement, but that is what reminded your thoughts reminded me of. Personally, I think you are wise to wait for something that is more than just a "workable" relationship. I think your parents are quite in love, so it seems like you have an example there.
I'm sure you have probably asked yourself these questions, but have you thought about whether it is possible to semi-commit to someone and find out whether or not it is a good investment without over-committing? I guess the tough part is separating these things.
I liked your paragraph defining love and how a partner should act.
Dearest Bri-tag,
I definitely appreciate your readership and comments. Is it strange that keeping in touch electronically isn't stranger to me? In any case I miss you.
I think you're mom's adage is correct, and so succinct! I feel quite lucky to have a good example in my parents, as I'm sure you feel about yours.
I don't know if I'm capable of semi-commitment? Is there such thing? I think part of the challenge for me is my inability to temper my actions by logical analysis. I don't come to conclusions on what I should do souly on logic, i think it's some combination of head and heart, how i feel, what my emotions tell me, as well as what i think makes sense. I usually end up feeling and thinking all sorts of conflicting things and not coming to any conclusions at all. Thus I float along and let relationships take their course, in some cases when they should've ended long ago. In some cases I've actually logic-ed myself into staying in relationships even though my "gut instinct" or emotions told me otherwise. In other cases I've followed only my emotions and logically regretted things later.I need to figure out how to trust my instincts, but I'm not sure which to trust. Does that make sense? I wish I was a more decisively head or heart person but I think I end up somewhere between.
How are you these days? Do you have a blog for me to check up on or shall I just call sometime?
Miss you too, Kristin. I am really into reading blogs lately, so your chosen form of communication fits my recent interest. In any case, I'm glad I can keep tabs on you here.
As far as the head-heart goes, it seems to me that the heart is more the romantic spark type of an idea that you need for a romantic connection to work. The head, though, is better at grounding you in reality. I feel like both can cause gut reactions in different directions.
I think dating is what semi-commitment is supposed to be about whereas "going steady" is more of the full-blown commitment, if we want to refer back to the good old days.
I have no blog, but you certainly can call me sometime. I am doing alright. Ben just left Socal to start his job after being here a good month. I'm a bit more lonely, but I can deal.
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